Saturday, 27 December 2008

So. Snow and stress.

It started snowing Xmas night...and next morning there was 50 cm outside to be shoveled.

We went to the hospital to get the results of his MRI scan. Bad news. Not the worst news: he will ski again etc. But for the next 3 weeks - don't bend the knee. Keep the leg brace on. Uses crutches.

It was a shock. I cried a bit in the hospital car park.

We stopped off at Macdonalds to get some hamburgers for lunch and the staff were being a bit dense about my order, I lost it a bit and started crying in Macdonalds. We came home in grim silence and once home I let all the anger/stress out and shouted a lot. It needed to come out. There is nothing he can do to make it all better and it isn't his fault the leg is damaged again, ski accidents will happen. But it doesn't make the next 3 weeks any easier for me.

In the afternoon I went off to work. My final classes this year. Tired.
There is so much snow in town. I cleared snow at home, then cleared snow at work.

Came home about 6.30 om and we ate chicken soup from the xmas chicken. We moved the furniture so he could sit with the leg easier. Also easier for okaasan to sit. Dinner was ok. He chatted away and got her down memory lane, so that was ok.

But it was a stressful day.

I feel as if I'm in the center of a vortex: around me is Work/Home/Sick Cat/Boyfriend/Byfrnd leg/Byfrnd mother...and far away is the Family in England...and "me" is lost somewhere among all these pulling forces.

Today I monitored bathtime for okaasan. I brought in her laundry for washing. I stole her important post for him to check. I threw away trash from her kitchen. Then I had to take some borrowed bedding to my classroom. Then loaded him and okaasan and the crutches into the car. We went to a shopping mall for lunch, then he sat while I walked okaasan round the shops for an hour.

We came home and I had another cry.

He says: don't try so hard, you are doing so much better than I thought or expected. But don't try so hard, because you'll get stress and then you won't be able to continue.

I know. I don't come from a regular family. So maybe I try too hard to "make" a family. My parents both worked, they were older, professional people. We didn't do family outings as such. I always slightly envied schoolfriends who had a stay-at-home mum and a working dad. So I try too hard because it's what I do.

Anyway. Now we are home for a few hours. I'm having a beer. Doing e mails.

Good news is that my family in England seem better than Xmas day. I called last night. But I couldn't tell them about Yujiro's latest injury. They already think I did/do too much...if they hear he's injured again they will just have negative feelings about him. It really isn't his fault. But I can only deal with MY negative feelings at the moment!

And so it goes. Okaasan seems to be buying all sorts of snacky things for New Year, maybe I can escape cooking altogether when Japanese New Year comes around.

I'm off to get another beer.

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