Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Vindictive and Petty...and that's just me!


Angry and vindictive and petty. That's me.

Probably most of my students think I am a sweet, funny, kind person - actually I am not.

Yesterday I took out OUR trash. Didn't go near Okaasan's front door to do greetings or collect trash.
He didn't ask me directly if I had gone, so I didn't have to lie.
I went to work feeling a little guilty - in case she was stretched out on the floor of her apartment needing help and wondering where we were. But not so guilty... One missed trash collection isn't a problem.

During the day he and I chatted by phone: the lunchtime fish had been acceptable, but "old". He told me not to be angry and that there is a Japanese proverb: "Don't be angry with kids because you were a kid once, and don't be angry with old people because you will BE old one day".
"She helped me a lot for years when I was a kid, now it's my turn to help her."

Yes. Well. She HAD to help him. He was her baby. He is choosing to help her. His older brother isn't helping. He could have done the same. But he is a good person, so he is choosing to help. If she doesn't understand that: she is a selfish, ridiculous woman.

I can be angry with kids and old people.
I'll feel the anger on his behalf. And probably increase my cancer risk.

I know now (again) why was right not to have kids. I don't have a forgiving nature. If you are rude or stupid I have no patience for you. A few years ago I taught at a high school and hated it: all the stupid, teenage behaviour...the forgotten homework/the little crushes/the not-wanting-to-look-too-smart-in-front-of-peers - AGHHH!!!!! Such a waste of energy.

Anyway. Yesterday, while I stewed in my vindictive juice, Okaasan went out on her own for the first time in 10 days: she went to the Snow Festival in the sunshine and had a great time! That's good. I'm glad she is up and walking and connecting with outside life again.

I didn't have to see her last night at dinner though because I came home at 8 pm.
And this morning I didn't collect her trash again.

Nice? me? no way.

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