Thursday, 10 January 2013

Fighting down baaaaad thoughts....

Ok. Confession time.
This is just between you and me, right?
Well, and the lady on the subway, and the mother of one of my friends in the UK, and Dear Son's old friend in Saitama who I think is reading this blog....and a few just a small group of what....60 plus people?

Confession: I hope Okaasan gets sick or has a medical problem.
There. Said it.

I'd like the respite as a carer. I'd like to eat cheese fondue for dinner. I'd like to really get in and clean her room out.

Bad, aren't I?

This week Okaasan has some kind of pain in her right ribs, she is finding it hard to stand up - and finally was able to stand when I gave her the kitchen chair to push up on.
And me? I thought: "Oh great! I wonder what's wrong...maybe we can get her to a hospital!"

Isn't that bad.

Of course, I'm not going to injure her, or poison her, or force her into dangerous situations - but....if something would be....kind of....good.
Okaasan, being Okaasan - won't let us TAKE her to a hospital while there is still fight left in her body....but I can still dream....

Actually, I don't think this pain in the side is serious. I think she had it before, too much sitting down and laying down on the carpet on one side all the time staring at TV shopping programs for diamonds.
It explains the two toilet accidents this week. She couldn't get up off the carpet and get to the toilet in time.

I'm back at work this week, he is away ski teaching again for a few days - so Okaasan hasn't been out since Sunday. The Oyomesan taxi service has finished. She is sitting a lot.
I suggested to Dear Son that we could maybe get Okaasan some taxi vouchers to use, so that when she gets back to the subway station and the weather is bad - she could just hop in a taxi and come home easily.
Can't give her money, because she'll spend it on mountains of yogurt and rice crackers. But vouchers might  be possible.

And so...onwards.
I found Okaasan's black muffler - tracked it down...not in the subway Lost and Found office, but in Doutor Coffee Shop where she always goes. I'd looked round department stores for an identical replacement, but drawn a blank. Glad I found the original.

It's one more thing to tick off my mental list "Okaasan Needs" - Haircut...New Pants...New Pajamas...Walking Stick?

Back to work - a half schedule of classes this week, no evening classes, which is kind of nice. But two large narration jobs - yesterday a Hakodate tourist guide script for visitors to access on their smart phones...go to a place, touch the screen and MY voice will jump out and tell you the brief history of what is in front of you.
It was 2 and a half hours in the recording studio yesterday.....the microphone was picking up the sound of the heater, so the technicians switched it off...and I sat with a hot water bottle on my knees prattling on and on about Hakodate history.


  1. I think it is normal to want some freedom for yourself. Would be so nice if there was someone to help you take care of her part time.

    It is too bad she is not more adaptable to the plans made for her well being.

    Maybe you should get your own little car?

    You are definitely a saint to care for her like you do. I do hope Yujiro realizes and appreciates your efforts.

    Best wishes for the future. Enjoy yur Blog.

  2. You are only human, for a while there I was thinking you were superwoman! Actually I kind of envy Okasaan, I have a DIL who would not only wish I had an illness but probably engineer one if I ever became dependent on my son.

  3. I understand how you feel and I don´t think you are a bad person - it is a normal, human reaction. Like relief when someone with a painful condition dies.

    However, be very careful with what you wish for because you are forgetting something: if she gets ill, or breaks something she will spend only a couple of days at the hospital, then will be sent home and *you* will have 100% more work in your hands having to deal with the needs of an immobilized Okaasan recovering from a fracture or a surgery.


  4. Oh I know!!!! If something were to happen - specially on my "watch" I'd feel awful...and yes, at the moment she cane do so many things herself...bathtime, eating, dressing, going any change for the worse would be extra work..."would be"...hmm..."will be"...cos for sure those times are coming.

  5. In time I think the dementia will progress and physically she will need more help. Every once in awhile you will get a reassesment from the care manager and she will go up on the 'needs' scale. Then you can have more days of day service. We eventually got 6 days of day service to keep us sane. I don't know what I would have done without it. Probably gone insane and would have required day service myself.

    I understand your bitter feelings. I had them too. Hang in there.

  6. I think what you want is a break not for something to break.

    Any plans for a getaway later in the year?


  7. Living with in-laws is sooo hard. I lived with my mother, father, and grandfather in-law for 9 months in Kanto. It was incredibly difficult especially being an international social girl in my 20's who loves diversity and international cuisine. We moved away though so it is just us now. You will find a balance and it WILL work out and it DOES get better!