Friday, 11 December 2009

The End?

This is hard to write.
But in the interests of a record of sudden life with an elderly Japanese in-law....I'll try to be honest.

Last night there was a fight.
Yujiro lost his temper badly and hit Okaasan.
I walked out of the house in disgust.
Now I am sleeping at my English classroom and friends'.
I've given Yujiro an ultimatum: Get Okaasan's dementia assessed by a doctor and get outside help for this situation. Only then will I talk about our future as a couple.

It was awful.
I've never seen anyone hit someone. No man in my family would hit a woman. I strongly believe that if a man hits a woman once...then he'll do it again. And I know this is at least the second time for Yujiro.

It all blew up over dinner.
I got home to find him cooking cheese fondue, which we are pretty sure Okaasan won't like because she has the idea that she doesn't like cheese - although she eats pizza.
So although she reluctantly tried a piece of bread dipped in the sauce, she said: No thanks.
We hurriedly cooked her pizza, soup, Japanese pickles, salad instead.
But she ate it all silently and wouldn't make eye contact with us at all. She looked SO depressed and inside herself. Recently she hasn't had  haircut...because my hair-dresser is no she looks pretty wild....We tried to chat about stuff and get her on a topic. Nothing.

Finally Yujiro asked her directly: Are you ok? Are you tired?
And she said: someone's been in my room and moving stuff on my table. It's all outside the front door.......
Again the paranoia.
Of course we did clean WITH her on Sunday. But we didn't touch the table stuff. Mostly old newspapers, rotting trash and dirty underwear long forgotten in bags and boxes.
The recycled newspaper is sitting all tied up on the doorstep.

I started to laugh a little and shake my head. Here we go again.
But Yujiro just exploded.
He stood up. Grabbed Okaasan's collar and pushed her against the cooker and shouted at her.
I jumped up and told him to stop.
Then he suddenly hit her! On the face.

She wasn't injured. But shocked.
Me too. I pulled him back and shouted at him.
Then I got my car keys and bag and walked out.
He came to the door behind me. Luckily not with a Mrs Tiger Woods golf club. And I shouted at him and drove away.

I drove to a friend's house. She wasn't on her phone. I drove around the city. I bought nightwear and work clothes at a late night store. I finally went back to my classroom and slept. I had a 7-hour teaching day today and needed sleep.

This is really bad. I will NOT live with a man who hits women. No excuses.
He has got to get outside help with this old lady and HE has got to talk to mental health advisors about his feelings and how to deal with her.

I feel ashamed that I am in this situation.
He has never hit me. But he did tell me last year that he "hit" Okaasan when he was trying to move her from Saitama here. At the time I thought...hoped?... he meant "pushed strongly"...but now I am sure he meant hit.
And that is disgusting.

I know many of my students read this blog and I feel ashamed that this is happening in my life and they will know about it.
I am a strong, outgoing person. I am not a wallflower.
I like Yujiro because he is a confident, opinionated person. But violence is violence.

He needs help. Okaasan definately needs help.


  1. What a terrible situation to find yourself in. You're right - he and Okaasan both need help. Dementia is such a terrible illness, not just for the sufferer. His terrible frustration and anger are understandable - but his actions are inexcusable. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. I hope all works out well for you all. Thinking of you. xxx

  2. I was very, very shocked to read this post, NOT what I would have expected from reading this blog and all your comments about Yujiro....

    I agree with you that to hit is utterly unacceptable. But at the same time I just felt so sorry for him that he felt so backed into a corner that he exploded....

    And yes, the sorriest for Obaachan who has no idea what caused it and must be very frightened and confused right now...

    And you too. You have had too much to deal with this year.

    I'm glad that you have friends to go to right now.

    If you need somewhere else to stay for whatever reason then do please email me. You have my mail, don't you? Please don't sleep in your school, it's cold and too lonely. We are only about 40 minutes drive from you.

  3. Thankyou for thoughts and support...I spent last night at a friend's house and talked it out.

    Y said in an e mail to me that he has checked at the hospital and will take Okaasan there on Monday and then get the ward office assessment system activated.

    He is coming to see me tonight after a finish work. But what is there to talk about? He'll apologise of course and say it'll never happen again - but all abusers say that don't they?

    I have to go to the house this weekend to get clohtes for work and to prepare 2 lots of lesson materials on the house computer.

    ahhhh. Why?