Sunday, 13 December 2009

Talking and Waiting

No change: I am living at my English classroom and Yujiro and Okaasan are at home.
Last night he came here to talk.
He rather over-dramatically came in a SUIT ("to show I am serious") and brought all the alcohol from the house. He put it all on the table here and told me he wasn't drinking any of it. I don't think that will last long...

Anyway. We talked. A calm, reasonable conversation. We have always been good at talking/listening to eachother over problems.

I said:
  • Not coming home until Okaasan sees a doctor and the city care workers are activated about us as a family in crisis.
  • You are not a monster, but I think you would hit her again and that is no answer to any problems.
  •  This is only the start with her, this paranoia about stuff on her will grow and we have to deal with it calmly.
He said:
  •  Okaasan remembers the hitting and I have apologised many times,
  •  She is confused about why you are not at home, I told her it is my fault.
  •  She knows the forgets things and seems to accept that maybe a trip to the doctor is a good idea.
  •  I hit her because although the original accusation was a general "someone's been taking my stuff", when we were standing at the cooker it became "ask Amanda, Amanda knows" and that made me more angry.
  • When I was a child I never saw my father hit my mother, but my father hit me -and I hit him.
  • I don't  think there will be much public help for us, because Okaasan is able at the moment and we are there to care for her.
So that's how things stand at the moment.
Tomorrow he will try to take her to the hospital and I hope they will do a good interview and brain scans etc. I hope he will be honest about this situation, so the doctor realizes that this family needs outside help.
I have classes and a end-of-year-lunch - so he can use the car.

I'm doing ok. Staying at my English classroom is fine. It's warm and has enough bedding, hot water, a shower, xmas music, decorations. It's near the shops. I have this new laptop.
I am going back to the house this afternoon to get clothes for the coming week of work and to prepare lessons on the home computer and printer. I feel calm about it all.
Last night after The Talk I went to the bookshop and bought a Japanese book about dementia for him (being Japanese it has loads of cute cartoons about sufferers and carers!! This country can Cutify any topic), then I had dinner and went to the late show of the new Brad Pitt movie.
So I am ok.

It's hard to put on the happy face with students and NOT talk about this situation. I know some of the Monday and TUesday students read this, so some of them will know. I feel I can't talk about this in a class.

Strange that a family death is an easy thing to share publically. Domestic violence is not. I expect that is why it is one of those hidden crimes. Hard to share and hard to admit. Even I feel some kind of responsibility for this: I chose to love this man, now am I making excuses for what he did (family background/culture/frustration). Am I letting him off lightly by saying I will likely go back if he gets outside help?

Is there a different attitude to it in Japan? A few years ago a Japanese diplomat hit his wife in Vancouver, and told Canadian police: It's a private, family matter - this is the Japanese way.
And turn on any Japanese TV so-called comedy show and there are always people play-hitting eachother over the head, something which sits uneasily with many non-Japanese viewers.

Yujiro told me about he and his father hitting eachother with a SMILE on his face.  It was a funny memory to him. That was shocking. Just one of those things that happens, a man hitting his teenage son, the son hitting back.

I was beaten as a child for doing wrong. My step-dad and mum beat me about 3 times. I was put over step-dad's knee and hit on the backside as punishment. But nobody hit anybody in anger.
I have been violent myself: to cats. If I was very angry I smacked the cat strongly. Felt terrible immediatly afterwards.
I've always thought that is maybe one pyschological reason I have never wanted kids: the base fear that I am pretty sure I would/could hit a child.

Domestic violence. I never ever thought I would witness it or be concerned with the aftermath.

But here I am.

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