Saturday, 10 June 2017

Home. And not happy.

Coming home.
Just that phrase conjures up such a nice, happy feeling.

Okaasan coming home from hospital wasn't.

She is alternatively silent/angry/whiney...very few moments of lighter mood.
She is totally focused on Dear Son. I am beyond the pale.
She hardly moves her body. Sits or slumps. Doesn't ease back pain herself by shifting weight. Just exists inside her body, until DS suggests a different position.

Her walking and standing is better. But shaky. I don't think DS would leave her alone on Monday or Tuesday. It doesn't look that strong.

But, more than the physical - is the mental situation. 
Incapable, dependent unhappiness....
Watches Tv a bit, without any sign that it is giving her pleasure.
Lots of lying down with eyes closed and crying out with real or imagined pains and complaints about too dark! too bright! too cold! too hot!

Dear Son is a saint. He is endlessly trying to respond to every passing request.

Coming out of hospital was ok. A silent drive home.

Then lunch.

We tried to time lunch so she would be in the kitchen sitting when the Day Care Manager and the rent-a-bed people arrived.
She was. But the timing made her angry:
"Who are you? Why are you here? This is very rude! In Japan you don't go to someone's house during mealtime? Why are you here?!!!" all said with real venom...

It was a big performance. Moving the sofa, cleaning the opened up space, building the bed. THREE bed charity people, plus Day care Manager and was, inevitably, a big noisy confusing time. Okaasan sat in the kitchen watching it all with anger...while the day care lady tried to calm her down with chitchat.
Trying to arrange the bed, with blankets, cushions etc....TV view.....

There was also an hour or two of endless fuss about the windows and curtains, wind and sunshine...Okaasan shouting at us and waving a back scratcher. Refusing MY help and screaming for her son.....finally he helped her stand up and walked her to the windows so she could see up close that what she wanted was structurally impossible with this house and these windows. It was the best way to calm her.

Me. The English woman.....
She has told him several times that my messy, dirty kitchen is bad and that I am trying to kill her.

Pretty ironic from a woman who hasn't cleaned anything in years, who is in a room I spent 2 weeks cleaning....

That's a joke. I know it's her dementia and paranoia.

But I also wonder....DOES she have some memory of the kitchen fall a month ago? Some memory or understanding that maybe it was the car mats left on the carpet that MAYBE tripped her up?

It is my guilt. We don't know how she fell. But the only thing I could see in the kitchen that evening was the car mats I'd left near the kitchen door. I wondered if she had tripped over them. Dear Son has told me endlessly not to dwell on that - because he says he knew about the mats too, and maybe it wasn't the mats etc
But still. It is unnerving now to have her talking about MY dirty kitchen. And blaming me for her fall....and pain and unhappiness.

My kitchen IS dirty. I know. I kind of don't care. And luckily DS doesn't either. We aren't spic and span types.

Anyway. We've agreed to stop talking about falling down/back bones/hospital stay - just respond to her talk of pain as a pain of old age.....and not keep reminding her of a fall and much hated hospital.

And so. Here we are. Another weekend of rain and stress at home.

Dear Son slept on the floor of Okaasan's room. Got up 3 times in the night.
We are taking turns to sit in the kitchen and watch her and respond to her complaints and needs.

There is painkiller medicine. There is calming down medicine.

The day care manager saw the whole situation very well when she was here for the bed installation. She has recommended that Okaasan gets a new mental assessment, that she is put on medication for the dementia etc - that if we can't cope here at home she will activate the Move to a Care Home will all take time....

And so. We try to get thru this weekend. And see if Okaasan calms down, gets more independent in her environment.






  1. That sounds so stressful for everyone. Hang in there!

  2. So so sorry to hear about your difficulties. I hope you can figure something out! Would old time Japanese music from the 40s and 50s help her to calm down, or maybe children's songs. (but I think you said that she wasn't a big music person). I hope that she can readjust.. Sincerely, Nancy in Tokyo

  3. Oh my, things are not looking too good. Please DO NOT feel guilty. It's the dementia talking. I know it's very hard to stay positive. My granddad tried to cook and almost burnt our house down. That's when my Dad told Mom, granddad needs more than we can give. Please take care of yourself. Go to work and try to enjoy!!! Sending good karma. Laura