Can't be great all the time.
Tuesday night? I was pretty mean to Okaasan. Felt guilty afterwards. But also just let myself do it.
Sometimes carers are tired and don't give a ****.
End of a long day. Wanted to eat food and watch Tv and go to bed.
Had to paint on the friendly manner and smile for a bit at dinner. Failed.
I made the mistake (for both of us) of telling Okaasan that daycare helper was coming on Wednesday. She got all grumpy about "I don't need that". I got all grumpy about "Yes, you do, otherwise you will sit in front of that TV from Monday to Friday. It's helping you and us"...and it went downhill from there....
Next I criticized how she was gulping down the alcohol I'd give her...just a bit...but drunk in under 1 minute.
She told me: "I've been drinking alcohol since I was a child. Are you really telling me how to drink?"
And I did.
So. Rest of dinner in silence and I left the table soon after.
Not great caring.
Sometimes all the resentment and meanness comes out.
Wednesday Okaasan went with the helper on this winter's first taxi ride to the supermarket etc. All apparently well.
I am just spiraling on in the usual end of year chaos. Just about keeping it all on track.
I bought three Xmas presents. Ate one of them myself.
Haven't sent any cards. Have bought the Japanese New Year card bases, but haven't designed on written them yet. I have four work parties in the next 8 days, one teachers' party and a friend's dinner.
Kind of feel not in control much.
I want to escape it all and go skiing.