...just mean.
Me.
Can't be great all the time.
Tuesday night? I was pretty mean to Okaasan. Felt guilty afterwards. But also just let myself do it.
Sometimes carers are tired and don't give a ****.
End of a long day. Wanted to eat food and watch Tv and go to bed.
Had to paint on the friendly manner and smile for a bit at dinner. Failed.
I made the mistake (for both of us) of telling Okaasan that daycare helper was coming on Wednesday. She got all grumpy about "I don't need that". I got all grumpy about "Yes, you do, otherwise you will sit in front of that TV from Monday to Friday. It's helping you and us"...and it went downhill from there....
Next I criticized how she was gulping down the alcohol I'd give her...just a bit...but drunk in under 1 minute.
She told me: "I've been drinking alcohol since I was a child. Are you really telling me how to drink?"
And I did.
So. Rest of dinner in silence and I left the table soon after.
Not great caring.
Sometimes all the resentment and meanness comes out.
And so.
Wednesday Okaasan went with the helper on this winter's first taxi ride to the supermarket etc. All apparently well.
I am just spiraling on in the usual end of year chaos. Just about keeping it all on track.
I bought three Xmas presents. Ate one of them myself.
Haven't sent any cards. Have bought the Japanese New Year card bases, but haven't designed on written them yet. I have four work parties in the next 8 days, one teachers' party and a friend's dinner.
Kind of feel not in control much.
I want to escape it all and go skiing.
Not long to go to the holidays. Hope these some holiday time in there for you.
ReplyDeleteThankyou '-( There will be holidays. Just got to get thru this and next week. I feel bad to complain because who can complain about parties with great people??¬!! But all within 10 days. Too much. I&m a Grouch. Grinch. Whatever. Ski time IS coming!!!!
DeleteGotta have bad days or the good one's wouldn't seem so good. You are doing a great job. I remember when mum was dongy in the head, about a year before she died, and dad told her to go easy on the wine. LOL. Yeah right. Go tell a MacDonald woman to go easy on the wine. Good luck for the hustle and bustle of December. xx
ReplyDeleteYup....in the law of percentages of caring good/bad...I have higher percent of good...butI can always see how easy it would be to completely abuse this old lady. She is totally at the mercy of the people she lives with. Everytime I see elder abuse stories on TV, I am shocked, but I also kind of understand from the abuser&s point of view....luckily I just hit the bottle.
Delete*hugs* caregiving is tough, thankless work, and the end of year obligations are stressful. Don't be too hard on yourself, ok?
ReplyDeleteThankyou....I won&t. TRying to be all balanced and calm. Friday now.....going to get to Friday night at 6.30 pm very very very soon.
DeleteForgive yourself! -I am currently trying hard to forgive myself for not being the mother I wanted to be tonight at bedtime for my older children after my 1 year old cried for an hour (teething?) i find that SO stressful..but tomorrow is another day! -Okaasan is so very lucky to have you.. don't be so hard on yourself!
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