Noticing the small changes

Yujiro's home for a few days and he is noticing the changes/decline in Okaasan.
Isn't it always the way? If you are regular, daily contact with someone you don't notice so much. But if you come back into their life after a break, the small things ring clearer.
Kids become young adults...adults become older...

He took Okaasan out for a mother/son walk to a local noodle restaurant and noticed how weak and slow her walking is. She held his hand most of the way and had problems with the snow and ice.
He is worried about her walking, and understands why she seems to be getting more nervous about going out. Spring can't come quick enough for her.

And he has notices that her ability with machines is getting worse because in the past few weeks the house toilet seems to be on Automatic Flush mode several times week.

You know these technological marvels: The Japanese Toilet?
All buttons and writing and icons. Do everything, but make tea.
I'd wondered why it was leaping into flush mode as soon as my bum left the seat, wondered if the cats were playing with a hidden switch. Wondered if the goldfish on the backshelf was entertaining himself.

Yujiro realized, the "Automatic Flush" button...Okaasan has been hitting it, strangely ignoring the much larger "Flush" button above it. Something she has done for almost 2 years without any problem...now she is patchy in her use of it.

We've both noticed that her understanding of the electric cooker, the microwave, the washing machine, the electric kettle sem to be slipping. Not all the time, but enough for us to notice.

Meanwhile, I noticed that some of Okaasan's usual Favorite Conversation Trigger Topics just get no response.
Last night we were talking about  air travel - how far it is to Europe etc from Japan. I tried to give Okaasan an opening into the conversation by mentioning "You went to South Africa didn't you? via Hong Kong? That's a long way!"...and nothing. She just smiled at me and vaguely nodded.
90% of the time that gets her onto her usual South African memory stories. But not this time.


And so.

End of a friendship era: my friend Heather, aka Uni Spagetti on her blog, left Sapporo and returned to the Uk where she will be a science star at Newcastle University.
The last few days in Sapporo she stayed at my classroom. On the last night we went for a quiet few hours at a local hot spring hotel and dinner.
And then it was the dawn journey to the airport, chat about everything-but-what-was-coming...and then final teary hugs and forced cheerfulness.
And she was gone.
I got back into town and it was just like a love affair - all those memories of buildings we'd been in, karaoke bars, shops and bars...

Of course the contact goes on with SKYPE and Facebook and...my gosh...those old fashioned things called "letters". But the day-to-day/weekends contact is gone.
Heather was such a huge support to me in the past 2 years of horrible life events - particularly a lot of the stresses over living with Okaasan. A very sympathetic ear. Are we all so selfish in loving the friends who let us tearfully and angrily dump our problematic life all over them? I guess so.

Another blogger recently wondered whether other foreign women in Japan think of their Japanese friends in the same terms as a fellow-foreigner. I wonder that too. I have Japanese women friends - my old roommates are my closefriends. But our closeness is more to do with the fact that we lived together once, I have rarely found that kind of closeness with a let's go to a movie/dinner/hike - Japanese girlfriend.

This ex-pat life is full of such friendship exits. As fellow-foreigners and Japanese friends with dreams of a wider life leave the country. Lynn - now a mum and photo studio boss in the US; Loretta - now a wife and teacher in Melbourne, Sheryl - now an artist in Vancouver Island; Ikuko - now a mum and translator in the UK; Lisa - now mum and organic wine merchant in the US....and so they go.

And I stay here.

O woe is me!!!!! Anyway, enough of that - MY life, my WHOLE life, is arriving on Sunday in boxes etc from England. Tokyo Port customs people have decided my teddy bears and photo albums pose no threat to Japan and released it all.

Sunday morning...I am clearing the entrance hall in preparation for it all.

Teaching your Okaasan to boil eggs.

Nope.
Okaasan didn't make it out yesterday either. The third hula class she's missed now.
She tried (wet floor and about facing boots in the entrance hall) - but she came back again quickly.


I got home from last classes of 2010 at 4 pm to find her in the kitchen.
There was water in the bath - maybe she'd had one?
There were wet towels, pants and trousers on the bathroom floor and kitchen counter.
There were food packages, orange peel, dirty bowls, chopsticks, supermarket flyers etc around the kitchen.


And amid it all: Okaasan trying to boil an egg.
"I'm hungry! I didn't eat lunch. Did I?"


Yes, yes...you did...here ... look...you ate half the chilli tofu in this pan, and here is the rice bowl and here is the soup bowl...I left you food here this morning...you ate it...


She was standing in front of the electric cooker with the hob light flashing, but not actually ON. We bought this cooker because it cuts out if overheating or left unattended too long - but the switch ON button and the hub start dials pretty confound Okaasan. About 50% of the time she doesn't get it ON at all, and the other 50% of the time she has it ON too high and burns the pan.


So, as I chatted about icy roads and hula class and bad luck etc I sneaked in a hand and turned the hob on so the egg in the pan would start cooking...and I wondered how long she'd been standing in front of the cooker waiting for the water to heat and boil.
Quite often I've come home and found bits of boiled egg and egg shell floating in water in a pan...and I think Okaasan often fails to cook the boiled egg. Often she starts peeling the shell and discovers uncooked egg inside!
(Must talk to Yujiro about making a cooker operating sign for Okaasan).


I took my work bags upstairs - last classes of 2010!!! Free until January 6th!!!


Came down 10 minutes later.
Okaasan was standing in an almost dark kitchen, with a packet of salt on the table.
In one hand she was clutching the peeled, boiled egg - and the other hand was dipping into the bag of salt and smearing it on the egg. And eating it.
A very strange sight really. Like a child doing secret eating. Not at all like a respectable 80 year old Japanese lady. Standing eating and dipping a finger in a salt bag. I just put on the kitchen light and trotted on to the bathroom....thinking about dementia books and their comments about "return to childishness"....


So. Three hours later dinner and lots of lovely chat. Got Okaasan all laughing and chatty again.
She was fine again...like a clock that needs rewinding to get the hands going round again.


And.
I'm gonna do it.
Take her out shopping for New Year food ingredients!!!
THIS is my good deed to end 2010.


I chatted to Okaasan about osechi (New Year food), and asked her advice about it all. And then asked if she would be so kind as to escort me to the supermarket today to help me buy the best/correct food. She jumped at the chance. Poor woman hasn't been out since last Friday.


I'll take her to the up-scale supermarket two subway stops south of here, where comfortably-off suburban housewives shop, it must have good quality vegetables and stuff. Okaasan has very high standards. Then we'll do lunch on the way home.
Should be a good outing for her. Some exercise round a big supermarket and the mental stimulation of choosing foods, people, lights...action.


To be honest: I haven't done many Okaasan and Me alone outings in the 2 years she's lived with us.
Partially because I've been all wrapped up/exhausted/stressed with my own life problems and on my non-working time I have no more energy or will to do extra with her.
And also I always have a bit of a fear about too much time alone with Okaasan. Like - what will I actually TALK about? Is my Japanese language ability up to a concentrated time alone with her?


But now. I think I can. I know I should. And I think I have the energy/patience/determination to try.


Let's see how it goes: Okaasan and Me go for Shopping and Lunch.