Friday, 20 April 2012

Talking the Talk.

Day Care  for Okaasan next winter.

Ahhhhh.......I talked the talk with Yujiro.
Not positive about the feedback, but I am dealing with a Japanese male - so who knows :-)

Since the cat is now home and we can refocus on other things, I thought I'd add "Get Okaasan assessed for daycare" to his To Do List...maybe between Buy Beer and Buy Toilet Rolls.


"What do you want? Tell me?" he said, somewhat aggressively, in English.

"I want her to go at least one day a week to day care next winter, go in a bus from the front door here - go and join an exercise class, have lunch, chat to people - whatever. Have some human contact apart from us. Get OUT."

"And I want YOU to want it too - otherwise this whole process will be harder to persuade her on its merits".

He says he is wanting it too. I'm not sure. He was already throwing up all the problems he'll encounter along the way - that of course Okaasan will resist the whole idea...and I was telling him that I am sure every single family has the same problems - no old person wants to be shipped off to daycare. I am sure.
The city office staff must be skilled in dealing with all of that. We're not special.
One of my students, a super energetic 75-year-old, told me "I don't want to sit in a circle and catch balls", and that of course is the image of daycare....

But Okaasan doesn't need to know at this stage that the  checking visit to the city office/hospital is in connection with daycare - just tell her it is a "free Sapporo city check on all old people"....then later, after she gets accepted as suitable for the service, I hope that some nice, persuasive city office staff person sells Okaasan the idea of how fun it would be to go to day care....just a few times to try it out...

I hate having to be the one pushing for this.
But it will all be so much harder if HE isn't 100% behind the idea.
I know it'll be a struggle...but it IS for the best. Another winter of Okaasan sitting for days in front of the TV, with a deteriorating toilet situation and no conversation  apart from us isn't good, he is a ski teacher gone for a week at a time, I'm a working person...and Japanese is terrible.
She must be a suitable candidate for a once a week day care trip.

But, I hate being the person pushing this. I want to be the light-hearted girlfriend/life partner with jokes and laughter and happy things to share in life. Not the complainer about how-to-care-for-mother...

I will wait and see. I shall try not to mention it for a few weeks and see if he does something about it before he starts the summer bike taxi job....

I hope.....


  1. Sounds like a good first step. I hope it goes well and that you find someone in the city office to support you. Our car manager has been incredibly helpful.
    Our ba-chan resisted going to day service the entire time she went (4 years),but we know that it helped keep her dementia at bay and provided stimulation that she was unable to get at home. Our day service provider came to pick her up and always gently coerced her to go. At the end of the day, she always said that she had a good time and chatted about the things she did there, but when it came to the next time she was scheduled to go, she resisted.. Not much different than a stubborn preschooler.
    Good luck, fingers crossed.

  2. Thankyou!
    I'm hoping...hoping...she will resist for sure (i don't need that, I don't need to go with lots of old, sick people etc) - but what saddens me at the moment is that HE doesn't think it would be nice for her - as long as she is there in the living room watching TV, goes out for a walk, comes to the kitchen table to eat etc - he is happy to just let her be...but in winter the going out is severely limited and that's when she needs the day care trip for sure.

  3. Think you're being entirely reasonable. My grandma-in-law has seemed to benefit a lot from going off with the other oldies. Seems more genki, not so forgetful, and enjoying making things. Yes, good luck!

  4. Hi Oyomesan.

    Have been enjoying reading for a while.

    My first visit to Japan was a home-stay visit in Sapporo so I really like the city because I feel I have family there.

    I feel for you with your situation. I think your partner is really lucky to have you.

    I wonder why he's so resistant to his mother getting some stimulation in a supporting environment outside the home?

    Hope he comes over to your way of thinking soon.

  5. I don't know WHY he is so resistent...or whether it is just is easier for him to just leave her there in her room watching Tv and going out for a walk on her own every late afternoon. I think many Japanese people are like this: not proactive, just letting a situation plod on, it isn't bad as such...Okaasan is okay...but...but...she would be SO much happier and better if she went to daycare in winter. I think he just is happy to let the current situation plod on. And I'm not!