Signs of the future

It says "Toilet". It's on the kitchen door. And there are two others: on the door from Okaasan's room to the kitchen, and on the toilet door.

We hope that helps her. Helps her to FIND the toilet, helps her to remember that is why she stood up, helps her to remember that maybe she should go to the toilet.

All of that.

Our new norm.

I hope she will leave the signs in place. A year or two ago we tried to put  signs on her clothes drawers to help her find things, but she ripped them all down within 24 hours.

This week we did a family trip to the local city office to get our My Number ID cards. Japan has introduced these cards, which has everyone in the country befuddled as to their usage. So, everytime Okaasanb asked us: "Why am I here? What should I do?" we were as in the dark as she. Just waited for the counter staff to call us and exchange bits of paper for other bits of paper and card.

Day Service also started. Two hours on a Friday. Dear Son and I went out to dinner together to leave the care worker alone with Okaasan. Apparently she went out willingly.

He started ski work today. Next week more. I am about  to have crazy December of end of year parties and Christmas/New Year preparations....into winter HERE WE GO!

The excuse.......

Why didn't Okaasan want to go out last Wednesday with the day helper?

She says: I didn't need any shopping, I didn't realize it was a walking chance. I thought it was a shopping trip.

Ladies and Gentlemen in the blogging gallery! What do we think of that excuse?
Does it sound possible? Does it sound credible? Does it cut the mustard?

Hmmm....
Dear Son buys it. Maybe because he'd rather that story be the reason than accepting the depressing possibility that we're going to have to struggle with Okaasan over these day care visits. Again.

I don't buy it. Cos I'm a suspicious, nasty woman.

Okaasan has never turned down the chance to go out shopping. She adores shopping. Supermarkets and department stores are her playland.

But ok. We'll accept it for now and play along. All smiles. Stop the headbanging. 
DS says he'll write a note for Okaasan reminding her that Wednesdays are walking/exercising trips out and that she should go for the sake of her health.

And now he's left again for a other week of ski work.

** Last night I had a restless night with hungry cats demanding breakfast at 4.20 am. Got back to sleep and dreamt: Dear Son and the care helper were in the kitchen (this is cos he and I were talking about it all last night in the kitchen).
Suddenly I looked up and realised the helper was my old boss from a few years ago. A woman who buggered me around over a business chance and I escaped her craziness by quitting my job...two days later my best mate in the office also quit her job and we spent Xmas holidays commiserating with alcohol all over town.

Anyway - THAT woman was working as the day helper! And in my dream I am pleading with DS:"Nooooo!!! I can't accept HER in my home as the helper!!! Nooooo. We have to talk!!"

:-)
Today is Saturday.
Time to saddle up for Oyomesan Duty and take Okaasan out for a walk....and a bit of shopping. And lunch.
She hasn't walked for 7 days. Sat on the carpet and watched TV for 7 days. I can't let her walk alone somewhere, I'll have to be with her and make sure she is safe.

Off to work.

Mother's Day

Today is the day to thank your mother. In Japan anyway. In America too? In England, a different date.

We bought the carnations and gave them to Okaasan this morning, with some jokes and laughs.

Actually, yesterday DS was off work - so we did Family Duty.

First, got Okaasan to have a bath.

We discussed about her hair washing: how recently it never looks washed. Has she forgotten how to wash her hair? Is she confused by the shampoo/treatment bottles in the bathroom? Is she only adding conditioner and not washing it out? Her hair looks dirty and matted a lot of the time. Not going to day care now, so not getting it properly washed.

DS says he sometimes opens the bathroom door when she in in there and gives her advice about the hot water level etc. I wonder if I can actually step over that personal line and join Okaasan IN the bathroom to help her?

This time he talked to her about the shampoo and treatment bottles. Maybe it worked, her hair looked a little cleaner. Afterwards I talked her through using the hair dryer and the brush - so the result looked good.

Maybe it is time we should start verbally reminding her about DOING and HOW to do hair washing?

Then we had family trip out to a local curry restaurant. Delicious curry. Okaasan loved it. Looked so happy. When our lassi drinks arrived she told us the tale about cows-behind-my-house-pre-war and how her mother told the kids to drink the warm milk...but she didn't cos mother herself didn't drink the smelly, warm stuff.

And then she told us again. And again. And again. Happily.

And on the wall by the table was an Indian craft hanging of an elephant.

THAT prompted a story about a similar hanging in a restaurant downtown...."Where I go and drink coffee sometimes"....or "where they have milk on sale"....each time she told that story it changed slightly. Mercifully really, so we could look interested eachtime!

So a gentle family-time lunch. She loves the soup curry with all the vegetables and rice. We do too. It's a good thing to go do together.
Afterwards we walked back to the car park via a disabled people's center street stall and Okaasan chatted to the stall holders happily. Then I drove us back via some local flowering cherry trees.
All happiness and smiles.

As a friend with children once told me: it isn't necessary to go out for hours and hours to a place a long distance away. Something local and fun, easy to go and do for everyone.
Just relaxing time. She is very happy and we can do it with minimum stress.

Day care.
The city office/day care center sent last month's bill and formal stuff about Okaasan quitting etc. Information about to start her up again.
And photographs.

Photographs of Okaasan looking pretty happy at day center. Drinking tea, eating lunch, wearing a Christmas hat, hair washed etc Happy pictures, of course.

Some of the other women in the pictures look a bit out-of-it - I wonder if those are the people Okaasan said "there's nobody interesting to talk to"? I do wonder if we sent her to day care a) too early or b) to a small place that didn't have clients with a wide enough range of mental ability.

I wonder. 

DS says he won't show her these pictures now. In case they just bring back negative memories. Maybe in the autumn, when we try to get her interested again. Maybe.

Hmm....I hope....hope...hope....

Accepting Defeat.Ungraciously.

Nadda.
Niet.
Nein.
Non.

All of the above and more.
Okaasan won't go to day care. This summer. Ever?

God help us.

Dear Son tried this morning. He really did.
But Okaasan came back at him with clear-headed logical and debate.
It's summer.  I can go walking for exercise. The people at that place are not intelligent. There is nobody to talk to. I don't like going there. There is nothing wrong with my brain - just normal aging. It can't be helped. Stop fussing.

The day care driver and manager came. DS took them out on the front door step to talk it over. Okaasan peered thru her curtains at the car in the street, I  tried to listen from an open window upstairs. They talked and talked.
They went away. He came inside in tears......"they are good people...". He hugged me and said "thankyou for what you are trying to do....".

And so Okaasan stops day care for now.

We'll try again in autumn. Try to find a different place maybe?
Or, if she won't go - arrange a care worker to come into the house twice a week in winter and take Okaasan out by car or taxi for a walk and a chat.
Something. Anything. As long as she goes somewhere and meets someone apart from me in those long winter months when DS is away.

The rest we'll just accept the defeat for now. She's ok. We'll shop for and feed her. She won't die. Just have less mental stimulation.

I am disappointed. But also losing interest. We try to help this woman. If she doesn't want the help...just let her slip more and more into dementia. It's ok. She is 84 years old. Had a good life. There's only so much helping you can try to do. Just let her be.
I want to focus on my work and life and friends. On my Japanese studies. On my cats and garden. On kayaking. On going to Brazil in July. On going to see Queen and Adam Lambert at a mammoth rock festival in Tokyo in August.
On life.

I feel pissed off at Okaasan. And I don't do defeat graciously.
I can't express that directly.
So I have stopped cleaning, tidying, washing, TV channel changing.
Can't be bothered.
Let her stew in it all.

I know this is a really immature reaction. 
But it's the way of righting my emotions.
After a while the guilt and inbuilt do-goodyness will come out again and I'll be back collecting her underpants for washing, removing rotting food, washing trousers, arranging hair salon appointments and generally helping.

But for now I'm not.

Just let her be. She has almost daily conversation with us at dinner time. We do some family activity outing about once a week. Just let her brain surf thru until the next dementia check in October.
For two years the day care people really helped, and Okaasan mostly enjoyed it.
They were great.

Originally, I wanted Okaasan to go to day care for winter care. I thought once a week. I was surprised when they offered twice a week. 

Just hope she'll go back next winter into something.

Bugger her.

Day care - refusenik

Want to quit day care.
Don't need to go.
It's spring now, I can walking myself every day to exercise. So I don't need to go to that place twice a week.
And : I don't like one of the noisy, rude people there.
And : last week one of the kitchen staff was carrying her BABY on her back. It's unhygienic.

So. I don't want to go.

Cue small family crisis.
Just when you (and I) thought this blog was gonna curl up and die of boredom.

Aghhhhhh.

And even worse: Dear Son agrees with her and thinks she can quit for spring and summer and go again next winter.
Can she? I don't know. I worry she won't want to go and we'll have the whole getting-Okaasan-to-daycare saga again.

If you are new to this blog, or just need reminding - check out the September to December 2012 postings. Oh, the agony of me pushing him to push her into the mental health assessment and the day care search.
When Okaasan first came to live with us she joined several different Hawaiian dance classes at community centers. But they were all geared towards practicing for performance days and, while she is actually quite good at hula dance, she can't of course learn and remember new dance routines. So she was getting stressed and three? four? dance classes asked us to get her to leave the class because she couldn't keep up. She thought she was being bullied in the classes...
Which is when we realized she needed to move from community dance classes to gentler, same-every-week classes with teachers who didn't pressure.....and that classes at day care would be ideal.
Gentle, fun exercise AND the whole bathtime/care/mental stimulation of going somewhere and meeting people.

But now. No go.

I'm gutted, to be honest.
With her thinking AND his. I have no hope to fight against that.

I accept that Okaasan probably doesn't need day care so much in summer. She lives with family and gets daily interaction with us. She can and does go walking round the local shops and downtown on the subway. She can chat to random shop staff and occasionally the "friend" who she meets in the coffee shop by chance.

Physically it's enough. Mentally it is enough. Really. She has some kind of interaction with people every day. It's great too that she could clearly remember why she doesn't like the current day care place, and could tell her son her opinion and needs.

But I do worry that she'll get out of the routine of going. And that in October we'll have a big fight again about getting her to agree to go again.

Dear Son says she often asks :"Do I go in summer too?" and that this shows she enjoys it, and will go happily in winter. 

For me there is a huge reassurance that someone beyond him and me are involved in the care of Okaasan. That professionals are meeting her regularly and checking that she is doing ok. Having fought hard to get us into the system of support, I don't want to slip out of it.
In winter it is absolutely essential that she goes. He is away for weeks at a time working, and for days and days on end she sits and watches TV and has only me for company for a dinner time 3 times a week.

So. Bad day.
Dear Son will have to meet with the city office day manager for sure, and I guess the day center manager with have to explain why one of her kitchen staff had a baby at work....obviously bad...but..but...
Dear Son thinks she doesn't need it. He wants her to be happy. And she wants to stop going. So, it's a done deal.

I just have to go along with it. 
A little evil voice inside me is saying: maybe her dementia will worsen after a few months of day center absence and THEN he'll see the value of her going. But, in reality I don't think it will. Unless we have a crisis with her legs or teeth again and then it's only he and I struggling to get Okaasan to do stuff.

Anyway. Such is my day.

Oh. And the cat is sick. Vomiting for 72 hours. Spent all day at the vets. Had a barium shot. Poor little bugger. He is home again now. We've had a hard time....the vet isn't really sure why he is throwing up so much. Once - Popo was on top of the book case and was spectacularly sick from a great height.
But this morning - luckily - he felt well enough to go outside and sit in the sunshine.

Spring fever.     Both of them. 　 Cat and Okaasan.

Amazing! A pro carer at work.

THAT's how to do it!
Patient, gentle voice, little laughs, listening, caring, firm, encouraging....

I've read the books. I know. But I (recently) have been failing on this caring carer style.

Today the day care center staff came and managed Okaasan brilliantly.
But still - in the end - failed.

When they heard on the morning call that she didn't want to go, they offered to come round and talk to her. Great - let them have a go. I tried to bring them up to date with all the non-activity of late...but of course didn't say that tensions in this family have been running kind of...high.

I was getting ready for work and hanging over the second floor stairwell in various states of undress - trying to hear how the professional tackled Okaasan.
Truly amazing.
First she went into Okaasan's room and chatted to her all sympathetically, getting her to describe her pain and what she'd done in the past etc, how much she had studied health etc...
Then she started gently suggesting little bits of activity; why don't you show me your leg/sit on the sofa here/stand up a little/walk into the kitchen etc

So professional. THIS is why I knew we had to get ourselves all taken in by social services and carers. Better for all of us.

I left for work and could here the carer talking about "just come to the center with me for lunch and a bath...now where is your towel".....

Amazing.
I'd already put a small lunch for Okaasan on the kitchen table, but it all sounded very positive. So I left.

At work I had one of those Good carer/Bad carer debates in my head.
Good: "If she has gone to day care today, it means I can get into her room mid-afternoon and clean up."
Bad: "I'm so tired of this whole thing, she can just sit with all her trash around her until she finally gets taken off to hospital on a stretcher..."

Came home later and found: Okaasan on the carpet under the table heater...watching TV, the lunch flasks opened and contents eaten, and damp...kind of clean underpants on the table, dirty trousers on the carpet......

aghhh......day center lady failed to get Okaasan out then.
Nice try. Wonderful try.
But not.
Probably couldn't get her to walk down the front door steps.
Hopefully this will spur on the situation for the carers to push Dear Son more on getting help for Okaasan.

And me?
I can't face another dinner with her. I just can't.
All day I was thinking......and now my evening student has cancelled. I could go home now.
But I can't do it. I don't want the stress.
So - when I went home mid-afternoon, I put MORE food on the kitchen table, gave Okaasan a fresh cup of water, left food for the cats - and came away to my working life.
Dear Son is probably working until 8.30 or 9 pm. Okaasan may just sleep and not eat. But she may want to come to the table and eat dinner.
And I don't want to eat with her. I am going to the gym and then having a quiet dinner alone near my classroom. I will slip home later.

Bad, bad Oyomesan (daughter-in-law).
Bad.

Found this story in the news today...it kind of jumped out at me....for some reason...
http://www.japantoday.com/category/health/view/rising-alzheimers-creates-strain-on-caregivers

Yes, you will....

Here  is Okaasan - forced out into the snow and dragged away by an overly-kind day service driver to a horrible, warm, bright building where she was threatend into dancing and eating and drinking tea.

It's old lady abuse.

And? She...kinda liked it.

It was a "ma-ma, so neh" in Japanese at the end of the day when her scheming son videoed her on his cell phone as he cross-examined her about the day and whether she'd enjoyed it.
!!!!!!
"ma-ma, so neh" means "Hmm, well, it was okay, I guess" in Japanese. It's probably as enthusiastic as she is going to get. And now Dear Son has it taped so he can show her anytime and prove that at 5 pm on Tuesday January 15th she kind-of-enjoyed-herself-at-that-place.

Yesterday was his day to activate Okaasan and wow - he did. I leaned over the upstairs balcony and listened in as he told her/cajoled her/explained to her/told her/strictly/jokily/kindly/ etc that YES - TODAY YOU ARE GOING FOR THE SECOND TIME TO A PLACE YOU LIKED BEFORE.

I felt bad for Okaasan. Kept waiting for her to fight back and stand her ground...but she didn't. She bowed to his power and let herself be guided into it. I couldn't have done it. My language skills just aren't up to it. Neither is my relationship with her.
He did it.

And next week? We'll see what happens then.

Reality...talks.

So, how are you today Oyomesan? (as Facebook is now cheerfully demanding of us...)

Me? Oh I'm FINE.< is there a sarcasm smilie? :-()

Gave out huge doses of reality today.
Let the cat out of the bag and whirled it round my head madly.
Walked the elephant right thru the room.

And other bad plays on language.

I told Okaasan she has dementia.
And I hung up the phone on Dear Son and told him to stuff it.

And then I happily babysat for 3 hours. ANYTHING is better than this bloody family.

Hah. Got a LOT of agro to get out here.


Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

Taking a break from doing my taxes, I wander thru the kitchen mid-morning and Okaasan asks if Dear Son is home.
No, back tomorrow night. Anything I can help you with?

Cue: 20 minutes of VERY angry Okaasan telling me exactly why she does NOT want to go to that place in Sumikawa with the hula dance, and the lunch and the hairwashing.
What IS that place? Who are those people? Why is Dear Son spending money to send me there? That teacher is no good. The students just sit around. It is much better that I go and walk myself downtown to exercise. Those two men came here last week and we signed a contract. Why? I don't want to go there!

SO much fury. She was almost shouting. She almost pushed the table to one side in fury. Slammed her hands down.

But you know what. She was clear-headed.

It wasn't the dementia talking.
It was Kazuko, clear and loud, telling me what she wants. Or, rather  - doesn't want.
Clearly.

So. I talked to her. I sat down on the carpet and talked for 20 minutes.
Ok. So that "culture school" is not interesting. But exercise is important in winter, because your body and mind condition declines - so why don't we spend the money on booking a taxi to take you to the subway station regularly? Then you can go and walk downtown, meet your friend in the coffee shop etc.
How about that?
And she agreed. Much better.

I don't want to end up like that old woman across the road, she is senile - she forgot that she asked me to get a bag for her. Exercise is important for brains.

Yes, well that woman does her own garden herself in summer, but in winter she stays home all the time. You too - it's bad for you. You forget many things, you repeat stories many times - Dear Son is worried about you. That's why he thought "culture school" was a good idea.

After 20 minutes I brought her down to calmness.

But instead I had her fury inside me... I booked a taxi to come and get her after lunch. I came over all heavy with a friend on Facebook about her health decisions (SORRY V!!!)... I emailed Dear Son and told him to cancel the Tuesday day care and accept ski work for Tuesday. Let's just accept that now isn't the time for Okaasan to go to Day Care. Later it will be time - we don't want this negativity stopping her when she REALLY has to go etc etc. Just accept for now that the money should go to taxi rides in winter....we all tried, but maybe we have to accept that she isn't ready for it....etc etc etc.

I had lunch with Okaasan. She told me the same I went to healthy cooking school - film star house nearby -  husband came to look- story 8 times.
I had too much emotion boiling inside me.
So.

I TOLD her she'd just told me the same story 8 times.
She asked me: Did I? What, today?
Me: No, now, in the past 15 minutes while you've been eating that food. THIS is why we are worried about you. Your body is healthy, but you memory now is very bad and if you don't exercise it will get worse. It's not just old age, it is worse than that. It's very hard for us to have these repetitive conversations.

Broke every rule in the Dementia Rule Book didn't I?

You are not meant to tell the sufferer they are suffering? Right?
I've done it a few times in exasperation: kind of like when a child is whinening for sweeties at the supermarket check-out and mum says: ok, ok, I hear you, I hear you!!!
But I've never said it to Okaasan as part of a calm, almost-logical conversation.
She was surprised. But agreed that exercise was important to preserve memory ability, and so going to the subway in a taxi is good idea etc. It was actually all very calm and accepting.

Cats and elephants out in the open.

I read blogs of people in America who know they have dementia, I read blogs of carers whose loved-ones know they have it - doing this whole charade thing is exhausting.
Yes, you have a problem. It's ok, we will help you. You are interested in health matters - and you know that walking and eating correctly are important. We agree.
Surely that is right to do?
I don't know. But it's what I did today. And she was surprised, but not bowled over. Is openness better?


Finished lunch.

Then Dear Son phoned Okaasan and told her: you are going to "culture school" next week.

Then Dear Son telephoned and hassled me for getting into this topic with Okaasan.
Told me he will be home tomorrow to make sure she goes to Day Care. No, she is confusing day care places. She MUST go.

Me: NO, I am the person that pushed us all to do this. I am telling you now - I made a mistake. We should accept she doesn't want to go. Taxi is a better use of money. Etc etc etc.
Yes.
No.
Yes,
Noo.

 I put the phone down on him. And switched it off.

Sent Okaasan off in her taxi.
Finished my tax data on the computer and met my Friend with Baby to go downtown.
Surprised her with a ticket to see Le Miserables and kidnapped Cutest Baby in the World for 3 hours of babysitting at the nearby community center.
Sitting with him was SO theraputic. All my anger and stress disappeared. Feeding him yogurt and fruit, exploring the community center from a 1 year old's viewpoint (ooooo!!! locker doors with keys! ooooo!!!! whiteboards with wheeled feet!!) - so relaxing. He's cute. I love him. 3 hours of cuteness. Soothed.

Dear Son calls to apologise. BUT he will try day care again on Tuesday.
Pick up happy Friend from the movie theater and we head home...
Okaasan calls me from the subway station. I tell her to wait. Okaasan and I  ride home together in a taxi.
I cook dinner.
Okaasan and I chat about all sorts of stuff.....she is almost coherent.

It's been a fuck of a day.

Facebook. There isn't enough space in that status update space.
That's why I rant into a blog.

Taking matters into my own hands

Exhausted.
The Day Care Manager has just left the house.
After an hour of sitting in the kitchen trying to get Okaasan to give Day Service one-more-go - but not hula.....

aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

The Manager tried. He really tried. But I think he failed. I don't think she will go next Monday.
He will come again to sit in the kitchen when Dear Son is home late next week...and to talk all over it again.

So. I did it. Thanks to all your comments - specially Francesca who told me to take control of the chain of communications. And my Friday morning students who said too: "it's the Day Service Manager's job to help you and Yujiro persuade Okaasan to go, you shouldn't have to do the stressful Monday morning..."

Their class finished at 12.
I bought sandwiches from 7-11 and after a couple of gulps for energy. I mashalled my Japanese skills and called the Manager man.
He - they - were wonderful. Instantly understood what I was saying. Were obviously concerned that Dear Son hadn't told them the whole picture about the hula class....and asked if they could come round and talk to Okaasan right away!

I cancelled my last class of the day and went home by taxi at 3 pm to clear the snow for the manager's car and to alert Okaasan to the imminent arrival of the "culture center staff who want to know how you enjoyed your first visit this week...."

She got all active:" should I tell them the truth about the hula class????" She bustled around getting dressed and looking for tea to serve.

A nice young man in a suit arrived. The three of us sat in the kitchen. I was actually sitting at my first social services, public assistance meeting in Japan...

The manager asked polite gentle questions. Okaasan said the hula wasn't interesting and she  didn't want to go again. He gently - ever so gently - suggested other classes...and she whirled away on each gentle push ...into her own stories of a culture school in Saitama she used to go to, to the cooking school in Tokyo, to her husband who wouldn't let her work, to Korean restaurants, to New York, to Ishihara Yujiro's house near the cooking school in Tokyo, to Nishi-guru and his exercises, to...to...to...round and round and round it went.
He...we...couldn't get her interested enough in another class: flower arranging? - NOT the right form, stained class making - NO, bag making - NO? singing...NO...on and on.

It was actually fascinating to see a professional at work with dementia. He let her talk on and on in her stories. And then when she reached a  natural stop, he waited a few seconds, leaned forward and brought her back to - so how about trying one more time next week, but not hula?"....
And Okaasan would alternately stare at the day service pictures with teeth sucking, or go off again on a complete tangent - the phrase "I know,I know.....my husband told me I shouldn't work when we got married, so I went to all these kind of classes, he wouldn't let me work...". She didn't actually say directly: I don't want to go. But the avoidance was there on every single try.

It was hopeless. God. I couldn't do that job!
I live with it. But I can escape upstairs. This poor guy has to sit there for an hour and listen to it all - the same stories round and round. And then try and push again.

I sat there most of the time. Letting Okaasan and Manager man talk. I escaped to fake "phone call from work" a few times. I stood listening outside the kitchen door. I listened to the poor guy trying. Bet he was thinking of his Friday night beer. I know I was!

Finally after an hour he left it that: well, I'll come again next week when your son is here and we'll talk again.
"Talk again? " Okaasan was surprised....she can't understand why there is so much interest in her, I guess.

And we saw him off at the door. And came inside. Okaasan busied about with a pot of yogurt and talk about the cats still outside and snow....and then went back to watching TV.


And I?
Now I have to tell my partner that I disobeyed his instructions regarding his mother. That I took it into my own hands to bring in the outsiders into his mother's situation. And that it probably failed.

So, THAT'S gonna be a bundle of couple trust laughs. On the telephone. Both in our second languages.
If he goes out tonight in the ski resort and drinks himself into the bed of a sexy young ski Japanese ski instructor I couldn't blame him.

I will be sitting here eating dinner with his mother and listening to all the same old stories again and again and again.

Tried and failed.

And that really is the last thing I am going to do about this.
She won't go. We'll have to order taxies to come and take her out twice a week, take her to the subway station so she can get downtown and exercise.

And wait until the dementia is more advanced and she isn't so fiesty. Wait another year or two until she doesn't know where she is and who these nice people are. Wait.

Oh. Tired.

Day service debut.............

The day arrived. Day service for Okaasan.
After all the long waiting and trying to arrange and pressuring and couple tantrums and fixing.

The bus was due to come at 9.20 or 9.30 am - which is just after the time I should really be leaving for work.

But I knew Okaasan would need help in getting ready. The day service manager had left a note with instructions - but still she would need help to get the hula skirt, socks, T-shirt, change of underwear etc into bags.

At 8.55 am she was still her pajamas......

We had 30 mins of ever increasing panic. Sooooo hard to keep my cool in this. But Okaasan couldn't remember what she'd already chosen and put in a bag, so she tried to gather more clothes and put them in another bag.
She fussed terribly about what blouse to wear, what socks to wear, whether to wear a coat etc etc etc She and I circled around her room and the kitchen and the hallway - fussing, fussing, fussing. Was there money in the purse? Was the front door key in the purse (FOUND the 2 weeks ago lost key in yet another little bag!!!) and on and on and on.

I really had to leave by 9.25 and I imagine the bus came shortly after.

All day I wondered about her. Like a mother with a child at school for the first day...what was she doing now? Was she happy? Was it confusing?

I rushed home mid-afternoon to get there before she arrived back: because I hadn't been able to get into her room for more than a week - since she didn't go out - and I knew there was dirty underwear lurking.
She'd had a toilet accident last Friday after the day service people came, and sure enough - I found several soiled underpants all wrapped up in newspaper in one of the laundry baskets....:-(( And about 25 more needing laundry.

At 4.20 pm the bus pulled up outside. I ran out and the driver threw open the doors and put down the special steps...and Okaasan was helped out. A few other old people peered out at this unusual Oyomesan.
Okaasan seemed animated and happy - a bit tired - but happy enough. Her hair looked newly washed and brushed. I made her a cup of cocoa and she said it had been "fun", and lunch was "okay". The hula dance was "easy". Hmmm...

I prepped dinner. Went back to my classroom for the 6 pm class. Then took a taxi home to get dinner on the table....
Okaasan and I ate and chatted about this and that...I mentioned the day service place lunch....and the hula....
"That place the hula is low level, I can do better than that. I don't need that. I won't go again. Those people have just started haven't they? I won't go again. It costs money to go doesn't it.....I won't go....it was boring....I can exercise myself, every morning I do my exercises here, I don't need to go there......".

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
GGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I tried to do the voice of reason: but your room exercises are not enough, because last winter your legs got weak and you fell over many times. Yujiro is worried about you. You should go, just once a week in winter and exercise and enjoy it. Just once a week, it's easy in the bus.
etc
etc
etc

And then I stood up, put my dinner plates away, swept the cats off chairs and left the kitchen before I got too angry and frustrated.

No..................................;-(

This mixture of pride and false sense of abilty, mixed with the dementia is SO bloody hard.

Just talked to Dear Son on the phone and he advises leaving the topic alone. Hoping she will forget the negative feeling. And then getting her ready again next week...next Monday morning the whole Getting Ready thing again...or what? Refusal to go?
I can't actually do that at the start of MY working day. I was 5 minutes late for class this morning anyway, can't be late again next week.

I wonder if we should get the day service manager to come in and talk to Okaasan again - persuade her to try again, or try a different exercises class?

Aghhhhh..... bloody hell.

I knew it of course. No matter how much we all strived to set it up and get her there - the real task is getting her to continue going...

Disappointed.

Talking the Talk.

Day Care  for Okaasan next winter.


Ahhhhh.......I talked the talk with Yujiro.
Not positive about the feedback, but I am dealing with a Japanese male - so who knows :-)


Since the cat is now home and we can refocus on other things, I thought I'd add "Get Okaasan assessed for daycare" to his To Do List...maybe between Buy Beer and Buy Toilet Rolls.


Hmm.


"What do you want? Tell me?" he said, somewhat aggressively, in English.


"I want her to go at least one day a week to day care next winter, go in a bus from the front door here - go and join an exercise class, have lunch, chat to people - whatever. Have some human contact apart from us. Get OUT."


"And I want YOU to want it too - otherwise this whole process will be harder to persuade her on its merits".


He says he is wanting it too. I'm not sure. He was already throwing up all the problems he'll encounter along the way - that of course Okaasan will resist the whole idea...and I was telling him that I am sure every single family has the same problems - no old person wants to be shipped off to daycare. I am sure.
The city office staff must be skilled in dealing with all of that. We're not special.
One of my students, a super energetic 75-year-old, told me "I don't want to sit in a circle and catch balls", and that of course is the image of daycare....


But Okaasan doesn't need to know at this stage that the  checking visit to the city office/hospital is in connection with daycare - just tell her it is a "free Sapporo city check on all old people"....then later, after she gets accepted as suitable for the service, I hope that some nice, persuasive city office staff person sells Okaasan the idea of how fun it would be to go to day care....just a few times to try it out...


I hate having to be the one pushing for this.
But it will all be so much harder if HE isn't 100% behind the idea.
I know it'll be a struggle...but it IS for the best. Another winter of Okaasan sitting for days in front of the TV, with a deteriorating toilet situation and no conversation  apart from us isn't good, he is a ski teacher gone for a week at a time, I'm a working person...and hell...my Japanese is terrible.
She must be a suitable candidate for a once a week day care trip.


But, I hate being the person pushing this. I want to be the light-hearted girlfriend/life partner with jokes and laughter and happy things to share in life. Not the complainer about how-to-care-for-mother...


I will wait and see. I shall try not to mention it for a few weeks and see if he does something about it before he starts the summer bike taxi job....

I hope.....

Getting in some help.

Gonna have a lunch box delivery service next week, and maybe beyond, to give me a  chance to breath.


So happy about that. A big part of my brain is jumping up and down making whooping sounds. ;-))


We did it before - 2 years ago? - and now we decided to bring it in again.


He came home last night with his ski teaching schedule into February ....day after day after day of being away basically. A night or two passing through home. But basically away till February 4.


I said I couldn't. Needed help.
No big drama. I just suggested the hot lunch delivery service and he agreed.


Making lunch for Okaasan ISN'T hard. It's troublesome, and in a busy working week it is One More Thing To Do. The past week we haven't had heavy snowfall, if we do, then clearing snow outside the front door will ALSO have to be factored into the morning duties.


Usually, sometime between a shower/getting dressed/packing my work bag/settling the cats/finding my house keys....somewhere in there I am usually in the kitchen heating up something/quickly cooking something to put in Okaasan's lunch flask, heating up the rice, cutting up some pickles, putting some kind of vegetable out, putting the instant soup packs in a bowl etc


Then, when I come home, I usually wash all the dirty plates because she doesn't. She thinks she will "after a bit of TV and a sit", but she doesn't.
And in between work I am thinking about the shopping for this: what kind of sloppy food I can make to put in the flasks.
The other day I risked giving her a half cooked flat fish, showed her the fish and explained she just had to heat it. Left her to it. Came home 6 hours later wondering if I'd find a burned pan...or worse. But she HAD managed to do it with minimal burn.


Okaasaan really can't cook. Just about heat something up. Put an egg in a pan of soup. Can't really use the microwave. She wouldn't starve. But she wouldn't eat well, and the kitchen would look like chimpanzee cooking day at the zoo....because she doesn't wash or put away stuff. And last summer we were getting to the 3 burned pans a week stage...which added a whole other task into the late afternoon...scrubbing the pans usable again.


So. Hot lunch delivery service commeth. Okaasan had it before and it was ok. But after a while she said she got bored with the food and wanted to go out for lunch. Was that winter? I don't remember.


So happy about this. 
Yes, I CAN do it. But day after day on my own - not to mention the whole dinner duties too and what-to-talk-about - it is just grim. When he is here we take turns with it all, and it doesn't seem so bad. If he is away for a week and more - I think I might go pop.
Of course I could make more time in my morning - get up earlier, stop wasting away time playing Wordscraper games on Facebook etc...stop going to the gym in the late afternoon and shop and go home and pre-cook stuff.


But why should I?


I have a life. This isn't my mother. This family isn't poor. Paying for a hot lunch to be delivered to this old lady would be a BIG help.


I'll take it.


One of my students was so excited to hear about this today, she said it could be a first step in Yujiro accepting that we need outside help etc - and once again I got the Day Care Centers Are So Wonderful speech from a concerned, kind person.
I don't think this is going to lead direct to day care. Yujiro doesn't want to face THAT hurdle yet. Doesn't want to initiate the inevitable fight with Okaasan on that topic. Doesn't want to admit to himself maybe that we can't do it all.....
He is happy to let it all drift along - with he and I taking turns to make it all go smoothly. And generally it does.


But when he is away for more than a few days the balancing act becomes a lot harder and I'm reaching out for the support now.


Still have to do dinners though :-(