Christmases past...

Because there isn't much Okaasan and Me on Christmas 2023.

There she is in the picture above - maybe 7 years ago...in our kitchen at home, opening a present from me as I served her some kind of seasonal meal - and Dear Son was away ski working and partying at a ski teacher's home in the mountains.

And the 2nd picture is maybe 5 years ago in the first care home - we took in a present and some can drinks. Sat in her room and had some chat, pushed the wheelchair up and down the corridor and looked at the city view from the windows.

This year. Okaasan is in a hospital bed about 3 km from here. Tubes attached. Hasn't eaten anything for two years. Can't sit up in bed. Sometimes awake and maybe conscious of who is near her. 

We visited her this week. She was awake - but to be honest, I wish she hadn't been.

At the beginning of our allotted 15 min visit time she looked at Dear Son, then moaned and gurgled loudly...shaking her head violently. Then she shut her eyes. When he stroked her head she basically flinched away. So he stopped.

We sat and talked soothingly. We played White Christmas from YouTube on my smartphone. She kept her eyes closed. Her breathing calmed down.

Then we came home. A bit shocked and silent in the car.

He was sad to his mum this way. Was she happy? Was she angry? The nurse said she often makes those sounds/movements if they do something  - like moving her in the bed, changing the tubes. They don't SOUND like happy sounds.

Hard to know. I tried to reassure him that it could be confusion sounds, kind of raw emotion. Not necessarily anger or unhappiness. But even I don't believe my reassuring attempts.

Oh god. Please don't let the end of my life be like this.

This week a British Tv personality called Esther Rantzen has joined the Swiss assisted dying clinic and says that is her way out if her cancer treatment isn't successful. If I lived in the Uk I would do exactly the same. But the reality of me aging or sickening here in Japan is that I can't see HOW I would make the long flight to Switzerland to die there.

Dear Son and I talked about assisted dying the other day, how neither of us wants to be in a hospital bed for years, attached to tubes and non responsive.

"But Okaasan's situation is harder" he said....meaning that she IS responsive. She knows when somebody is there bedside, she maybe knows it is him (and me)...

We are both pretty certain Okaasan herself would never have wanted to be like this. But there is no other choice. When she stopped eating the doctors inserted tubes, and that went on from a week or two, into a month...and then into a year...now two.

And at that time 2020 she was fully conscious, able to understand the world around her. If assisted dying was possible in Japan, is THAT the point she would have chosen it? Is that the point I would chose to die? 

Would I value my life and want to continue doing it in a hospital bed, with tubes. Watching the TV, listening to music/podcasts and having visitors. I guess that is doable. At what point would I decide it wasn't?

However, the dementia makes all of that less and less certain. If she didn't have dementia, I guess now we would visit and have a few short conversations with her. Tell her about our lives, chat about the pretty flower arrangement and Bing Crosby songs. Maybe she would watch TV from her bed. Maybe she would laugh with the chatty nurse. 

ALL of that would be a life. Some kind of life.

But, what she has now is bed. Sleep. The sound of TVs nearby. Apparent stress when people do things to her. Memories? I hope she has happy memories, at least.

If we could visit more and longer, we could try to make things better for her. Play her music, massage her hands, chat brightly. Bugger COVID and the ongoing restrictions at this hospital. 15 mins a month is an impossible situation to make any meaningful difference.

Oh bugger. Pretty depressing.

 

Memories ...November 2015...

There we are, the three of us in Kawagoe, Okaasan's beloved home town. This was the trip we made to meet up with family members - while Okaasan could still enjoy the experience and one of her ailing brothers was still alive.

I can't remember exactly, but I think Okaasan and I went to Tokyo separately from Dear Son (he was already there visiting friends) and then he and I went to an Elton John concert in Yokohama and left Okaasan alone a few hours in a hotel room, with TV and green tea?

It was a successful trip of laughs and memory reliving. Also stressful, because 10 mins before leaving the house she still wasn't packed...and I have a memory that she fell inside a locked toilet cubical at a bus terminal and Dear Son had to climb into the cubical to free her? I should check back on the Blog for clarification. :-)

Anyway. 8 years ago.

Now Okaasan is in an elderly care home hospital in Sapporo. Living in a bed, her body hooked up to tubes which put nutrition in and take out waste. Not speaking anymore. Not eating. Understanding? Maybe....the immediate environment and hopefully happy memories like this.

We visited yesterday - still only allowed 15 mins a month.

AND>>>>> she was "asleep" again.

I say that in "" marks, because I think this time it was less actual sleep, and more drug induced closed-eyes resting. I noticed that one of the tubes had a tag with the words "Dopamine" on it - and reading a little on Google tells me this is commonly used to aid the elderly bed-ridden in swallowing, and to prevent pneumonia onset. I guess it also makes you "sleepy".

So, for our allotted 15 minutes of visit time, again, we sat bedside and talked and stroked her face. She lay there with closed eyes and occasion involuntary arm and face movements. Her eyelids moved more than before, so maybe it wasn't exactly sleep. But she looked peaceful enough.

And, to be honest, this kind of visit is easiest for us. We don't have to fill in the time with bright, friendly chat. We don't have to suffer her angry or sad expressions - and feel guilty. We just sit there and offer gentle comfort.

And then go home and get on with our lives for another month.

But still. 8 years ago Okaasan was chatty and active, enjoying a visit to her old haunts. Eating everything we put within reach and enjoying life.

I'm so glad we did that trip. A few years can make a whole difference in an elderly person's abilities and cognition. If you have elderly in your life - make real plans right now to go do that thing that'll make them happy!

 

  Hey there - here's a lovely photo of a small rock on a lake near me - covered in grass and moss. Just a little world of its own...

Waiting for autumn here - the summer sun is going on and on, but we know that Japan is about to explode with all those gorgeous autumn colors.

So. Okaasan. 

You may have noticed that I didn't post anything in September...and the reason is our Okaasan visit was cancelled at the last minute! One hour before we were due to go, the hospital called and said they were fighting an outbreak of itchy bugs and having to restrict family visits. Okaasan herself was fine, but our visit was culled.

But it meant we got priority a week later and  got an early visit date for October.

So off we went.

And. She was sleeping! The whole 15 minute visit. We sat at her bedside and chatted to eachother. And then the kitchen timer went off, and we left. Next time: November.

She looked fine, in fact peaceful and happy. A few frowns as dreams chased across her mind. But she was good. We didn't want to wake her and disturb that peace. So we let her sleep on, and we just sat there!

Strange visit. But kind of nice. She looked calm.

A little, calm rock on its own in a lake...peaceful.

You see what I just did there :-)

See ya in November!

15 Minutes of Visit

 More time this month.

Okaasan awake, too.

Slightly better feeling? Maybe. She looked at us, then sometimes made groaning sounds, scratched at her arm with one hand and rocked her head violently.

How is that somehow "better"? I'm not sure.

Dear Son had the bright idea to take in a photo of her husband and the older son. So we showed her those pictures and talked about them. She focused on the photo of her son in particular.

The crazy summer heat continues here. It has been 30 C plus for days and days...tomorrow will be 35 C!!

The hospital had the curtains closed, and fans to move air around. Of course they have air con.

We came away feeling slightly more comforted than last time. But not much. I guess I am glad that her dementia must be so advanced that she has no awareness of the time. Just the moment. The bed. The table beside the bed. The woman in the next bed. Nurses coming and going.

Not the days, weeks, months...years of this slow death.

 Okaasan Birthday week. And this pic is memories of much MUCH happier times.

2016 we took her to dinner at the fish market in Sapporo and she had a bowl of crab and rice - and maybe we managed to control the sake intake :-)

2024...and a Pandemic later....Okaasan is curled up in a hospital bed, with tubes bringing nutrition to her body and removing waste. Unable to talk, and that smile is gone.

We had the monthly, 10-min visit this week and it was grim. I KNOW that visiting elderly/sick people often gives you just a snippet of their time and probably an unbalanced image of their health and happiness, but this was a sad visit.

We went in with lots of positivity. Took a funny card and a tiny bunch of silk flowers in a brightly colored display bag.

She was sleeping.

In a 10 mins visit the first 2-3 mins were her sleeping. She looked kind of peaceful.

Then, in response to our gentle voices, she did wake up and we showed her the card and flowers. Talked about 93 birthday and congratulations.

Okaasan did not seem content at all. She made terrible groaning sounds and appeared to shake or rock her head from side to side. It was a bit scary. Was she angry? Was the frustrated? Was she sad?

The nurse said this was fairly common and was her form of communication - since she hardly speaks now. It looked very stressed and unhappy communication. We tried to be soothing and loving.

And then the 10 mins were done and we had to leave.

We drove home in silence. Back to our lives of work, beer festivals, friends, gardening and summer heat. Leaving Okaasan in that bed.

Why do we do this to people? We help animals we care for die. We ease THEIR suffering. We help.

But humans we care for. We keep them alive. Make them unhappy.

I'm 100% sure Okaasan would not choose this end to her life. But in 2024 in Japan there is no other way. She never signed up with a clinic in Switzerland...or Oregon? She has to go thru this. If her doctor or family do any more we can be arrested.

I hope humans can progress to a better way - and hopefully in the next 20-30 years when it comes my time to die.

Dear Okaasan, I'm sorry.

"Hello...again!"

 

A rose of Okaasan.

Hello, again! Remember us?

Dear Son...and that troublesome woman!

Yup. We are back to chat in your direction and disturb you.

Finally got into the hospital and upstairs and into Okaasan's room this week. First time to see her since November 2021.

We had to fill out a lot of paper work at the hospital reception desk. Temperature checks. Vaccination Status. Promise to contact if we have any sickness in the next 10 days. etc etc.

And then - given Visitor Tags and sent upstairs, the nurse gave us a kitchen timer set at 10 minutes, pressed to "On" switch and we were away on this month's visit!!!

Okaasan was in a shared room of 4 people, in a bed by the window. View over the rooftops. But she doesn't sit UP to see the view, or use a wheelchair. Life is spent lying down on the bed. She had tubes up her nose, but her hands were free.

I think she knew us. There was a glimmer of a smile, and her eyes went from the rose to our faces. We were not allowed to leave a live flower at her bedside, so it came home with us in a drinks bottle in the car. But at least she could see it.

We chatted on to eachother/her...about roses and weather, and our grey hair, and summer. Usual stuff to fill the no response "conversation". She looked well enough. Tired. But ok.

The Visitor Info Paper had asked us to keep a 1 meter distance, but as no nurse was actually watching I stroked Okaasan's hair.

And then the kitchen timer alarm went off. The nurse came to collect us. Okaasan looked confused by our sudden movement and "bye byes"...and we were gone....until next month. 

It was a looong time coming. But there we were.

This weekend we are having our annual big bbq bash. The one Okaasan used to hate. But I'm thankful I don't have to sober up at afternoon end to make her dinner, and placate her about all the people in the garden. All of that time has gone. Now I can just enjoy a bbq in my own home.

Onwards to next month. Another 10 mins on the timer?

Face to face meeting!!!!

 BAD blogger!!

I actually have something to blog about. And I forget to do it...for two months. Until a plaintive little message from a reader reminds me to come back here.

So, you can all thank "Kentucky Lady" for forcing me to get here.

And yes - in two weeks we will have a real face to face meeting with Okaasan. Finally!

The care home relaxed rules to allow family visits, once a month for 10 mins - probably swathed in no-contact masks/helmets/gloves and gowns like extras in a alien-invasion movie. But we will be there.

Wondering if this will be in her bedroom, or they will wheel her in the bed or a chair to another room? Whether we can hold hands etc. Don't know yet.

But finally. 18 months we haven't seen her. It's a breakthru.

Because life in Japan IS getting back to normal. We've just had the Yosakoi Dance Festival weekend - thousands of amateur dance teams letting it all hang out and flow in the streets of Sapporo. The festival food was back and only a few people wore masks in the crowds. It was wonderful to be out in the sun and enjoying life again.

We had some YouTubers as guests. A British couple who are driving around the world in their old camping car. I found them online and invited them for the festival and free parking in our neighbor's empty parking spot. It's often hard for overnight parking in a city area.

And we got to see their old van and chat about their life on the road. When I finally retire, Dear Son and I are planning to live like this all over Japan - so we picked up lots of ideas for them. From the practical (aircon and toilet types) to the personal (where do you go after a couple spat?).

So life is back in normal ways: we got beer festival tickets. Our huge BBQ party is planned. I saved the hollyhocks from the city grass cutters.

And we'll see Okaasan without a screen in between us. "Kanpai!"

Another month. Another online meet and greet.

 

Here we are.

Another cherry blossom season.

And still we are not allowed to meet Okaasan...

This week we had another 10 mins of shout and wave time. Okaasan's face a bit puffy. On its side in a hospital bed. In a room we've never entered. With staff we've never met.

15 months ago we delivered her to the entrance hall of that hospital/care home. Said our goodbyes as she lay on a stretcher near the elevator doors. Then she was whisked away upstairs.

And since then. Online meetings once a month.

Bloody COVID.

Japan IS getting back to normal. The non-mask wearers are increasing, and this summer's slate of events looks almost normal - beer festivals, flower events, concerts. My god, Dear Son and I may even rouse the neighborhood by holding our overflowing BBQ party again.

I hear from students and friends how they get into care homes and hospitals to meet elderly or sick relatives. It is happening. Some restrictions, like 10 mins in the lobby, or plastic screens. But also I'm happy to hear some nursing staff are ignoring the rules and letting families hold hands. We just have to wait....and probably wait some more.

Next week is Golden Week in Japan. Several public holidays together. A time to travel and relax. Traffic jams and crowded places. A time for us to hang out quietly at home. I might tidy the garden. Read some books.

Recently just getting into my new work routines. Thankfully I picked up more work this year, which will make the bank account a little healthier (JUST in time for the UK spending credit card bills!!). Dear Remaining Cat is getting his mojo back, heading outside more to catch mice, and learning how in the bed/on the sofa/under the blanket are ALL his space now. 

We paid a lot of money to give him a total heath check. And were so relieved that it came back: All Good. For a 13 year old, kind of overweight feline - he is doing okay. Needs some special food to keep his kidneys healthy. Needs supplements to help his joints up/down stairs. But not likely to plunge us into a health crises in the immediate months ahead.

We can't do that again right now. I still dream of his brother. Dream of two cats running around the home. Still walk into the living room and pat the little ceramic jar that holds the slightly smashed up bones of my sweet furboy. I still can't believe he is gone for ever. He often sat here with me at the computer. Heavy against my left arm, forcing me to reply to Facebook stuff with one hand typing in all lower case.

Rambling here. 

We are fine.

Okaasan is fine.

There are cherry blossoms in north Japan.

Good bye little furball

 We've lost a furry family member. One of our dear cats has died.

It seems strange to report it here, on a very...VERY occasional blog about shared life of a Japanese lady and a foreign daughter-in-law. 

But the puss cat was one of our family. I know some old friends and old students read this blog, so it's a way to share the news.

Yesterday afternoon our cancer kitty lost the fight with the disease that was first diagnosed only in December. Just 4 months ago he was a fat, over-eating ball of cat joyfulness, when I first took him to the vets a little concerned about yet more fat "lumps" in his neck.

Chemo treatments, CT scans, radiotherapy...visits to our vets...the university teaching animal hospital...even another vet that offered slightly alternative Vitamin C serum shots...for him and for us it's been an increasingly sad winter - all the ups and downs of this disease.

Towards the end Dear Son and I were slightly at odds about how "the end" was going to be. I was ready to accept the end and ask the vet to ease the suffering about a week ago. Dear Son wanted to try the Vitamin C treatment he'd read about online. I agreed, grudgingly. But understanding he needed one-more-try.

That failed to have any impact. By midweek I was sleeping on the living room floor. Furball had stopped eating.

Our own vet wasn't keen to step in and put Furball to sleep earlier this week - when he was still able to stagger to the water bowl and into my futon. It was a bit frustrating for me, but not a surprise - many vets in Japan are not supportive of pet euthanizing until there is clear suffering.

But when he'd stopped reaching the water bowl himself, they set us up with subcutaneous injection shot kit. We did this for our old cat and his failing kidneys - years ago back at the start of this blog - so it was doable.

Toilet accidents. No food. Shots of water to ease dehydration, then the real physical signs of "end". Yesterday we took him to the vet and let him pass on to the great grassy field of cat heaven.

Very hard. Our home is full of memories of him. His brother has seen the body twice - looked, sniffed and turned away. He is a bit needy and clingy. We are exhausted and sad. Tonight a mobile cremation service will come and do the cremation in our parking space. And we'll keep Furball's ashes to scatter when the snows have melted and the house is surrounded by the wild grassy areas he loved.

5 days now to comfort eachother. 5 days for me to get my head ready for a trip to England. I haven't travelled outside Japan for 5 years? With all of this I haven't time to think of it. But now I must.

Thankyou Furball for the love of 13 years. He often sat in my arms here at the computer.

Everywhere there are memories of you.

Hoping for a downgrade

 Another month.

Another year.

Another 10 mins waving at Okaasan thru a computer screen.

She was on her side, face slightly swollen, the tubes in place, blinking at the screen. When the nurse moved her face tubes Okaasan moaned...a cheerful doctor told us all is well...as well as it can be.

The Japanese government is getting detailed about downgrading Covid to seasonal flu level this April or May, and along with that (we hope!) many things in life could change. Mask wearing outside should become more the norm, events will be at full capacity, more hospitals can treat Covid-like symptoms.

And care homes and hospitals? Will they open up for family visits?

It will, of course, be totally up to the facility management and my guess is that they won't. They'll leave current systems in place thru May and June...and IF things look ok they may consider relaxing visiting rules in the summer? Will we get to see Okaasan this summer?

If I was betting. I'd say no.

In other news: I am going to the UK for the first time in 5 or 6 years. End of March I'm flying for hours and hours to avoid Russia, and will blow a lot of my savings on air tickets and care rental. But it will be good to eat carrot cake, cheese, roast meat...and see friends again.

The cat is still fighting the lymph cancer. 5 lots of chemo now. He's lost weight and is subdued. But we try to make his days happy, somehow. It's been a crazy cold winter - minus 12 here in the city at night and electricity bills have gone up by 30%. But the cancer kitty must be warm and comfortable. More savings gone.

onwards.....