Okaasan Birthday week. And this pic is memories of much MUCH happier times.
2016 we took her to dinner at the fish market in Sapporo and she had a bowl of crab and rice - and maybe we managed to control the sake intake :-)
2024...and a Pandemic later....Okaasan is curled up in a hospital bed, with tubes bringing nutrition to her body and removing waste. Unable to talk, and that smile is gone.
We had the monthly, 10-min visit this week and it was grim. I KNOW that visiting elderly/sick people often gives you just a snippet of their time and probably an unbalanced image of their health and happiness, but this was a sad visit.
We went in with lots of positivity. Took a funny card and a tiny bunch of silk flowers in a brightly colored display bag.
She was sleeping.
In a 10 mins visit the first 2-3 mins were her sleeping. She looked kind of peaceful.
Then, in response to our gentle voices, she did wake up and we showed her the card and flowers. Talked about 93 birthday and congratulations.
Okaasan did not seem content at all. She made terrible groaning sounds and appeared to shake or rock her head from side to side. It was a bit scary. Was she angry? Was the frustrated? Was she sad?
The nurse said this was fairly common and was her form of communication - since she hardly speaks now. It looked very stressed and unhappy communication. We tried to be soothing and loving.
And then the 10 mins were done and we had to leave.
We drove home in silence. Back to our lives of work, beer festivals, friends, gardening and summer heat. Leaving Okaasan in that bed.
Why do we do this to people? We help animals we care for die. We ease THEIR suffering. We help.
But humans we care for. We keep them alive. Make them unhappy.
I'm 100% sure Okaasan would not choose this end to her life. But in 2024 in Japan there is no other way. She never signed up with a clinic in Switzerland...or Oregon? She has to go thru this. If her doctor or family do any more we can be arrested.
I hope humans can progress to a better way - and hopefully in the next 20-30 years when it comes my time to die.
Dear Okaasan, I'm sorry.
Hi Amanda. I am so sorry this visit was so worrying. You are absolutely right that easing suffering should be so much easier. My mother in law died last year after six years of "belligerent dementia" which was just as fun as it sounds. But she did not physically fail badly until just before the end. Okaasan has had little quality of life for so long; it is unbelievable she has survived six years in care AND a pandemic.
ReplyDeleteYou may wish to add New Zealand's "End of Life Choice Act" to your reading list- it doesnt mean it's easy (in fact the most recent news referring to it is about 90+ year olds who are not considered terminal and therefore dont qualify) but I am still glad we have it. It went to a referendum in 2020 and 65% of voters voted yes.
Sending you thoughts that no doubt match your own...
Hi there Jen, Oh interesting! I will check out the New Zealand situation. Here in Japan there IS an Death with Dignity group - which helps members write an End of Life choice document about use of drugs and medical technology. But the basic line in Japan is that doctors must NOT do anything which hastens the end of life. In fact I think one of the famous cases about this was in Sapporo (my home city here) a few years ago. When even animal doctors refuse/caution against end of life choice...you can understand that considering the question for human life is way WAY in the future!
DeleteYes, the doc told us last year that Okaasan's body is all pretty healthy...so I think, sadly, she could remain trapped in it for some years to come...
2024? have you jumped ahead a year in Sapporo?
ReplyDeleteyes! It's the only way of getting ahead...
DeleteI'm so sorry to hear of MIL's health decline. I know it must be very difficult for you and her son. I wonder if
ReplyDeleteit would have helped if you could have visited regularly and often? Know I'm thinking of you.
Laura
I think if there hadn't been the Pandemic - the decline would have been slower. Before Covid, when we did go once or twice a week she would talk a sentence or two and enjoy the karaoke events in the care home, clapping along. But then the eating stop...and then general decline...and then Covid and hospital moves....so of course the interaction with another human has declined a lot.
DeleteIf she knew her son and you even for a second of your visit, I am sure she was comforted for that brief moment in time. If she did not, perhaps it was okay. Either way at this point it is also about how that visit makes you and your partner feel. I just came back from a visit overseas with my mother who lives alone, is 88 and in poor health. She is ready for end of life but the doctors keep fixing her up and getting her to go just that bit further. Through my visit she kept telling me now, it was about how the people who survive her will feel; that it was our mental health is important. She says she had a mostly happy and active life and now she has no more wishes left and so is okay if the end is near. Philosophically I believe she is right but after I came back home to my active life and family, emotionally I was a mess. I need to start letting go as much as my mother has. But the damn doctors just keep going on and on,
ReplyDeleteOh, that's tough!! T have to leave her in another country and come back to your life far away. Yes. I hope our visit gives her a little happiness for that moment. I think she does know us. Yesterday Dear Son was doing the funny head rocking gesture, and I think her eyes were following that movement with recognition. But the groaning in place of words is tough to hear...doctors are just doing their job...prolonging the life. I wish there was a better way. But most society isn't ready for that yet.
Delete