15 Minutes of Visit

 More time this month.

Okaasan awake, too.

Slightly better feeling? Maybe. She looked at us, then sometimes made groaning sounds, scratched at her arm with one hand and rocked her head violently.

How is that somehow "better"? I'm not sure.

Dear Son had the bright idea to take in a photo of her husband and the older son. So we showed her those pictures and talked about them. She focused on the photo of her son in particular.

The crazy summer heat continues here. It has been 30 C plus for days and days...tomorrow will be 35 C!!

The hospital had the curtains closed, and fans to move air around. Of course they have air con.

We came away feeling slightly more comforted than last time. But not much. I guess I am glad that her dementia must be so advanced that she has no awareness of the time. Just the moment. The bed. The table beside the bed. The woman in the next bed. Nurses coming and going.

Not the days, weeks, months...years of this slow death.

 Okaasan Birthday week. And this pic is memories of much MUCH happier times.

2016 we took her to dinner at the fish market in Sapporo and she had a bowl of crab and rice - and maybe we managed to control the sake intake :-)

2024...and a Pandemic later....Okaasan is curled up in a hospital bed, with tubes bringing nutrition to her body and removing waste. Unable to talk, and that smile is gone.

We had the monthly, 10-min visit this week and it was grim. I KNOW that visiting elderly/sick people often gives you just a snippet of their time and probably an unbalanced image of their health and happiness, but this was a sad visit.

We went in with lots of positivity. Took a funny card and a tiny bunch of silk flowers in a brightly colored display bag.

She was sleeping.

In a 10 mins visit the first 2-3 mins were her sleeping. She looked kind of peaceful.

Then, in response to our gentle voices, she did wake up and we showed her the card and flowers. Talked about 93 birthday and congratulations.

Okaasan did not seem content at all. She made terrible groaning sounds and appeared to shake or rock her head from side to side. It was a bit scary. Was she angry? Was the frustrated? Was she sad?

The nurse said this was fairly common and was her form of communication - since she hardly speaks now. It looked very stressed and unhappy communication. We tried to be soothing and loving.

And then the 10 mins were done and we had to leave.

We drove home in silence. Back to our lives of work, beer festivals, friends, gardening and summer heat. Leaving Okaasan in that bed.

Why do we do this to people? We help animals we care for die. We ease THEIR suffering. We help.

But humans we care for. We keep them alive. Make them unhappy.

I'm 100% sure Okaasan would not choose this end to her life. But in 2024 in Japan there is no other way. She never signed up with a clinic in Switzerland...or Oregon? She has to go thru this. If her doctor or family do any more we can be arrested.

I hope humans can progress to a better way - and hopefully in the next 20-30 years when it comes my time to die.

Dear Okaasan, I'm sorry.