Locked out.

Okaasan got locked out of the house in a snow storm tonight..
But luckily, went to the 90 year old neighbor and hunkered down in her living room to discuss shopping bags and bad families that abandon old ladies.

Morning was like spring. Sapporo filled with the sound of dripping as meters of snow got a brush of sunshine and the big melt started. Of course this meant that all sorts of roof tops became danger-zones.

Neighbor's garage gets a "little off the top" before collapsing.

Anyway, nice day. I had no classes and because I am my own (bad) boss, I gave myself the day off. Went to the gym, we had family lunch. Nice day, so we sent Okaasan off for a walk.
Then he and I went to see a movie.

Came out around 6.15 pm, checked some sports clothes shops...checked his phone on our way to the car - and found SIX messages from Okaasan.

She's gone out without her key.."Please come home, I'm waiting". An hour before.

We got back - now the spring melt had reverted to the usual snow storm - and found Okaasan in the neighbor's home. No key. And no coat again - wearing a thick cardigan and a muffler...
Brought her in for dinner etc. She seemed ok....we all just ate and got on into our respective evenings by the TVs.

But, but....haaa....we should have checked. We were here in the house when she left, we should have checked she had cell phone and house key in her handbag. And was wearing a coat.
When she leaves the house and we are not home - she has to have a key to lock the front door - but when we are here somewhere she just trots out without having to look in her bag.

Old lady care. Have to think all the time. :-(

 

Ongoing sweetness..

I. Am. Gooooooood.........

 

Thanks to the supermarket and some pumpkin soup I had in the freezer - I managed to create a happy Doll's Festival dinner for Okaasan. And even risked sharing a small bottle of sparkling wine with her :-()

She loved the cherry blossom motive plastic box with rice and fish bits, she loved the soup, she loved the bean paste Prince and Princess sweets - loved it all and prattled on and on happily all thru dinner about them.

Dear Son didn't get home from skiing until almost 10 pm - so Okaasan and Me enjoyed our girls' festival dinner together.

 

A busman's holiday...

What does an Oyomesan do on a Saturday night off?

Go see a documentary film about dementia...毎日がアルツハイマー (Everyday is Alzheimer's) is a Japanese film by dierctor Yuka Sekiguchi about living with her mother and the big A - Alzheimer's.

I went to see it for several reasons: a) to compare Okaasan to this lady, b) to try and see how I and Dear Son could be doing better and c) to see what our future might hold.
Excellent movie. Really recommend it. Hate the phrase heart-warming, but it was. And depressing. And funny. And a bit scary.

Sekiguchi returned to Japan after 29 years away in Australia - so virtually a stranger to her mother - and moved into mum's home  to care for mum amid a house stuffed-full of STUFF.

Lots of familiar things: the food hoarding, the mess, the compulsive buying (toilet rolls), the repeating conversations, the stony face, the worried face, the giggles and simple laughter, the negativity, daytime sleeping and nighttime activity.
All there and so familiar.

The movie spans about two years, and mum's face changes - as her eyes show more confusion and sadness and her personal care gets worse and worse. In one shocking scene the daycare workers get mum's socks off and everyone realises she hasn't cut her toe nails in ages...and they are knarled and yellow and animal-like.
There are two interviews with a doctor - the old "What day is today and can you remember three things I told you a few minutes ago?" tests, and brain MRI, and interiews  with experts. And many, many scene of life at home.

The audience in the movie theater was mainly middle aged women - I bet all of us carers to demented family members. All of taking a night off at the movie theater with a film about our daily lives!

Comparing Okaasan? I think her conversation powers are not as strong as Sekiguchi's mum, and her determination NOT to do something (hula/social/buy a coat) is very strong. But she goes out a lot and wants to engage with the world more. That's good.

As I trudged home in the blizzard - Sapporo got hit by a huuuuge

storm yesterday - I felt that the main take-home message of the film was the importance of human interaction, the chats, the little laughs, the breaking up of a day, light, activity, routines, more laughs.
Scenes in the film between mum and grand-daughter were pretty awesome, the simple communication, and then the final scene - where mum watches a video of grandson in Australia playing piano - and her eyes soften as she enjoys the music and applauds. My old, stony heart was warmed.


So, back at the local station I popped into the supermarket to buy cat food. And then bought some sprigs of plum blossom for Okaasan.
Today is Doll's Festival in Japan, a day for families with girl children to display dolls and eat foods colored pink.

While I was out at the film, Okaasan was home with a tabletop cooker pot of food....which she somehow managed to burn. I think I'll be scrubbing that into reuse...

But, for a moment I put THAT to one side, and like a little ray of sunshine I trotted into Okaasan's room just now and asked her advice about arranging the plum blossom. Then together we cleaned the Japanese room display area and set out blossom, dolls, snacks and sweets.
(while she was kneeling I checked her toenails.....all ok there, she is still doing that herself!)
Okaasan happy. Chatting about how she had a big 7-step display of dolls when she was a child. But then all the younger children were boys, until the final girl. And then there was the war....and then her childhood was over.
Happy and chatty. Positioning the dolls, dusting the alcove.
A little bit of happiness in life.

I think I do a good job with Okaasan generally. But I'm not a chatty, big personality person at home (THAT all goes into work as a language teacher), and I envied Sekiguchi her ability to chat along, roar with laughter and generally be a force of energy in her mum's life...and her ability to hold a camera and think of camera-angles while doing domestic stuff.
But I can try to do the little bits of lighthearted things. The chats, the playing cats entertainment, the seasonal/traditional things. I can do that.

A day to be good to my Okaasan and lighten her world.

 

* P.S. "busman's holiday" is British? slang for a holiday that isn't really a holiday, cos it is doing a familiar thing. Bus drivers who go on a bus tour for their holidays aren't really escaping their everyday working lives.

Made it so far. FRiday.

Got to Friday.
Seems like a loooong week. I'm hanging in there.
Okaasan hasn't been any trouble, no aggression, no terrible crazies.
She went walking a few days (hat and gloves...but no coat, just cardigan), she even washed a few dishes, she didn't try cooking and she bored me stupid with dinner time chat about movie star homes, flower arranging and climbing Ayres Rock in Australia.
Those subjects in themselves are not boring - well flower arranging is a pretty anal topic - but if you take each story and repeat it endlessly, in 1 to 2 minute loops.

GWAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I did escape one night. Left food for her, and after an evening class I went to my fave curry restaurant and had beer, seafood and spinach curry and a large plate of nan bread drowning in melted cheese. Read the newspaper, sipped beer. Relaxed.
Trouble was - all of that meant I didn't sleep so well, so then lack-of-sleep was added into the end of week mix.

She asked about Dear Son a few times, but is never too bothered to hear he is working and will come home at the weekend. She feels relaxed with her Oyomesan.
The cooking has been okay. Just. Thankgoodness for supermarket pre-cooked stuff and the freezer. And delivery lunches.

But, this week I heard a sad story from a student - that just puts all my stuff into perspective.
My student's sister-in-law killed herself a week ago today. Took lots of pills and jumped from her apartment roof. A year ago she tried and failed and has been seeing doctors and taking meds ever since.
And about 10 years ago.....her brother killed himself too.
Left behind are a 16 year old daughter, about to do lots of end of year tests at school, and her husband with a oneman business to run.
I remember last Friday - I was busy after the trips - classes and prood reading, thinking about Okaasan and dinner - a bit hassled in life.
But somewhere here in Sapporo this poor woman was beyond that. Far beyond.

Suicide is so awful for the families. So many people seem to be determined to kill themselves, whatever the situation of their lives. If they failed once, they will almost certainly try again.

And this family I heard about this week: what about the next generation? The 16 year old has lost her mother and uncle to suicide. How will she grow up....?

As I say, it puts things into perspective.

And so I plod on.