Mother's Day

Today is the day to thank your mother. In Japan anyway. In America too? In England, a different date.

We bought the carnations and gave them to Okaasan this morning, with some jokes and laughs.

Actually, yesterday DS was off work - so we did Family Duty.

First, got Okaasan to have a bath.

We discussed about her hair washing: how recently it never looks washed. Has she forgotten how to wash her hair? Is she confused by the shampoo/treatment bottles in the bathroom? Is she only adding conditioner and not washing it out? Her hair looks dirty and matted a lot of the time. Not going to day care now, so not getting it properly washed.

DS says he sometimes opens the bathroom door when she in in there and gives her advice about the hot water level etc. I wonder if I can actually step over that personal line and join Okaasan IN the bathroom to help her?

This time he talked to her about the shampoo and treatment bottles. Maybe it worked, her hair looked a little cleaner. Afterwards I talked her through using the hair dryer and the brush - so the result looked good.

Maybe it is time we should start verbally reminding her about DOING and HOW to do hair washing?

Then we had family trip out to a local curry restaurant. Delicious curry. Okaasan loved it. Looked so happy. When our lassi drinks arrived she told us the tale about cows-behind-my-house-pre-war and how her mother told the kids to drink the warm milk...but she didn't cos mother herself didn't drink the smelly, warm stuff.

And then she told us again. And again. And again. Happily.

And on the wall by the table was an Indian craft hanging of an elephant.

THAT prompted a story about a similar hanging in a restaurant downtown...."Where I go and drink coffee sometimes"....or "where they have milk on sale"....each time she told that story it changed slightly. Mercifully really, so we could look interested eachtime!

So a gentle family-time lunch. She loves the soup curry with all the vegetables and rice. We do too. It's a good thing to go do together.
Afterwards we walked back to the car park via a disabled people's center street stall and Okaasan chatted to the stall holders happily. Then I drove us back via some local flowering cherry trees.
All happiness and smiles.

As a friend with children once told me: it isn't necessary to go out for hours and hours to a place a long distance away. Something local and fun, easy to go and do for everyone.
Just relaxing time. She is very happy and we can do it with minimum stress.

Day care.
The city office/day care center sent last month's bill and formal stuff about Okaasan quitting etc. Information about to start her up again.
And photographs.

Photographs of Okaasan looking pretty happy at day center. Drinking tea, eating lunch, wearing a Christmas hat, hair washed etc Happy pictures, of course.

Some of the other women in the pictures look a bit out-of-it - I wonder if those are the people Okaasan said "there's nobody interesting to talk to"? I do wonder if we sent her to day care a) too early or b) to a small place that didn't have clients with a wide enough range of mental ability.

I wonder. 

DS says he won't show her these pictures now. In case they just bring back negative memories. Maybe in the autumn, when we try to get her interested again. Maybe.

Hmm....I hope....hope...hope....

Back on duty.

Guilt got to me.

Yesterday I saddled up, strapped on my spurs and headed out into the wilderness that is Okaasan's room to clean.

A month left alone and what did I find?

5 plastic bags/screwed up old newspapers containing peed-on underwear, some soiled pajamas and some trousers. About 40 other pairs of underpants in the laundry baskets and around the room ... lurking.
One old lunchbox. 

Not so bad.

I also had lunch AND dinner with Okaasan, as well as sending her off for an afternoon walk and picking her up in the car from the subway station as it started raining.

Meal times were so silent. I tried to lob over some likely topics of conversation (Dementia 101), but apart from a few comments no topic seemed to ignite her interest. We ate in silence and I used laundry and work to prepare as reasons to get away from the table as soon as possible. 
I know mealtime isn't chat time for this generation in Japan, but as the silence deepens and plummets into a dark hole - it is really amazing that she can sit across the table from another human being and say nothing. 
Exhausting saying nothing.

But I am back on duty.

That cleaning rota...

So, that cleaning rota plan?
How'd that work out?

Gyaaaaghhhh. 

Like that. It can't.

I talked to him about it. Cos that's all fair and good-couple style, isn't it? How I was feeling resentment because I'm the one who always cleans Okaasan's room etc How we should agree to share the cleaning.

But it won't work out.
Because: in summer he works 6 days a week and his day off is usually Saturday. That's the day we do stuff together - either him and me - or as a Happy Threesome Family. 
We can only clean Okaasan's mess when she isn't sleeping/watching TV in the middle of it.
In summer he is never here when she is out.
He doesn't work on rainy days. But she doesn't go out on rainy days.
On Saturdays we do stuff with her. So there is never a She's out/He's in time.

Meanwhile me? I'm here on Sundays. I'm here now in Golden Week. I am often here late afternoon, before evening work. I often remind Okaasan to get up and go out.

So I am designated cleaner ;-(

To be fair, he did say he would try to go into her room and clean if he comes back from work and finds her still out. But that'll be patchy. He'll be tired etc.

So. It's back to me for the summer.
He does do a lot for her, and for me. He was in full housewife mode a few weeks ago - shopping, cooking etc Not cleaning. Nobody has cleaned the room for about a month now.
I just feel bowed down by it. Full of negativity. But, have to do it cos otherwise she will run out of any clothes to wear and a TV crew will arrive to do an expose on Foreign Wives Who Abuse The Elderly in Japan.

I don't want to. But I will. Occasionally.
Take out the smelly/rotting food, wash some clothes, remove any important-looking mail she is keeping...

Bugger it.
Funny how small things like this can become a source of resentment. I guess that overall I'd just like to be shot of this role - living with and caring for Okaasan - and the room cleaning is my area of frustration venting.

"I promise to Love, Honor and Clean your mother's room"...a wedding couple pose in a city center park.

Meanwhile....Golden Week holidays here and this year the cherry blossom arrived right on time for the holidays. Just gorgeous here.

I am spending my holiday doing a bit of gardening, seeing films, eating out, watching TV, playing with cats, checking out the blossoms...and spending as little time as decently possible with Okaasan.

DS is working full time as a bike taxi driver. Regular customers and holiday time. Busy.

Should I take Okaasan out to see the blossoms? Oh...no...I guess I should. We keep telling her that now is the time to go and see, but she just walks to the local shops and has a coffee in MacDonalds. Agh....I know I should...don't want to...aghh..will my guilt win? I'm not a good person at the moment.

GW I am mainly slumping around happily off duty.

Have some more cherry blossoms - let's lighten the mood. Cos they ARE wonderful.

Our morning walk is thru the graveyard - which is full of beauty.

Japanese people really do come to the park with friends or family and sit out under the trees with a picnic.

Change...again.

Hair salon time.

Okaasan been brushing off suggestions about getting a hair cut for weeks now. Too cold for a cut.

Yesterday, she finally agreed.

"But I don't want to go to that place downtown. They have men stylists, it's ok, but it's not so relaxing to talk to them. I want to change - THIS place is new, it's near here! I will get good service because they are a new business! I want to go here!"

We went round that topic a few times. Me saying - but you've been to the downtown salon for 2 years now, apparently happily. The male stylist was just last time, usually it's the middle aged woman manager etc Why change? 
And Okaasan adamant that the new salon advertise on a flyer in the newspaper was better.

It's hard to talk about things like this with her. She becomes VERY fixed in her opinion, and gets more and more excited as she talks.
So, I just agreed.

Then there was a whole thing of would Okaasan actually go on her own. Would I go with her? Would they be open on a public holiday? Would they want customers? Wouldn't the staff prefer to be with their family? etc etc (My logical answer was: If the salon is open on a holiday they expect/hope for customers - but she didn't think so).
I actually gave her the money for the hair cut, then took it back when she appeared to be chickening out of going.

Later I called the new salon myself and made an appointment for yesterday morning.

Getting Okaasan all ready to go. Still in pajamas 10 mins before announced departure time. Suddenly deciding she wanted to drink a coffee, so taking the coffee cup along with her in the car...sloshing, sloshing, sloshing as I attempted to drive quickly but smoothly for the 10 am appointment.

All the old hassles.
And then - I had given her enough money for the salon and dropped her off outside with reminders to "go home on your own, won't you!".....two hours later Okaasan is calling me to be picked up, and then as I rush off to a Japanese class I can see her hovering in the streets near the salon.....still confused about what to do.
She actually took the subway downtown and walked all over! One strong lady, for sure.

Hard though to balance her determination to be independent with her sudden needs for information and instruction.

The new hair salon was ANOTHER male stylist. But Okaasan seemed happy with the result and experience. Maybe.
Maybe in 6 weeks time she won't be, an I'll try to tempt her back to the downtown salon...or yet another salon.