Hey! hey! Hey! Baaaaack!

On the 12th Day of Silence my blogger gave to me....

ONE uncleaned room.......

...and a partridge in a ko-tatsu. Maybe.....

Can you see it? Probably choking on old-lady smell if there's one in there somewhere...

So. Yes - I haven't blogged in a while, and I haven't much entered Okaasan's room for about 12 days...maybe only to give her a hair-dryer, or haul out a cat.

Passive-aggressive/Benign Neglect/Can't Give a Fuck.

Call it what you will. I decided to give myself a break from the day to day hassle of Okaasan and her world. Gave myself a break in MY world: English teaching, watching TV, cats, looking for cherry blossom and screening a wonderful documentary called HAFU for a total audience of over 100 people on two different screening days at the weekend!

Look! That's me in the green blouse, giving a truely baaad speech in Japanese on the first screening. Nerves got to me totally. Lost it. The carefully crafted, polite phrases (produced with the help of my Japanese teacher) danced in front of my eyes and I couldn't find my place. 2nd day was much better. I even smiled. I think. And remembered to say the same thing in English and Japanese - introductions to the film, encouragement to others to hold community screenings etc.

47 people on Saturday and 63 people on Sunday. Amazing.

Here are details of the film and how to arrange your own screening. I promise you: a wonderful film about identity and community. Who are we? What our passport shows? What our parents were? What others see?

HAFU - the movie

So. Back in my real life. How has it been with my....shall we call it: H.O.O. Approach.

Hands Off Okaasan Approach.

(better than the C. G. F. Approach. see above)

Hands off doing anything really - I just worked and came home and ate dinner. Made a bit of polite chat. Went about my life. Like a Japanese husband calling in on family life really. Without the buddy drinking after work and pachinko-habit.

Dear Son was on his final seasonal-break before starting the summer job of bike taxi driver. So he was home every day and doing all the shopping, cooking and stuff. He's a great little wife.

Okaasan didn't go to day care now for two weeks. DS told her to go and have a bath twice or so a week. He gave her lunch and dinner. Nobody went into her room to clean.

"She's happier, seems more relaxed!" Dear Son says. I can't dispute it, since I have hardly seen her really. 

The weather has been much better, and Okaasan has gone out for a walk almost every day. Sometimes downtown alone, but usually round the local shops.

Is she happier not going to day care? Or is it just the season change and the chance to go out more? Don't know.

She seems fine - looks disheveled, hair all over the place - we think she's stopped managing to actually wash her own hair clean...and she kept declining offers to go to a hair salon (too cold now!! but more on THAT topic later).

And me?

My break has been great. I've chilled out and enjoyed a minimal-Okaasan contact time. I'm an over-manager I think. Every single time she left the building I jumped into action and went into her room to clean and to wash clothes, fold papers, put away clothes.

I haven't done it.

She is ok. The room is a mess. I hate to think what is inside some of the plastic bags and the smell is bad. 

Finally today Okaasan washed a few pairs of pants on her own accord. She has folded up newspapers a little. But I know there is nasty-stuff lurking in there.

I'm going to suggest to Dear Son that we take it in turns to go into her room on Saturdays and clean up. (and I'll give him the 1st Saturday so he can get an idea of why we have to go in there :-))

So. I'm baaaack. :-)

I think I need to chill out. Enjoy my life a bit more and not try to make everything SO perfect for Okaasan. She has a basically safe environment with us. Food, shelter, daily chat and almost daily walks. It's much MUCH more than many elderly get. My anger at her 2 weeks ago was all to do with her quitting day care - and really I felt it best for her and for me to create some distance.

Now I feel calmer about her. 

More later on: hair salon.

Officially out.

The city office care manager came yesterday and had the official meeting to agree that Okaasan can stop attending day center until winter.
Well, he and DS agreed that. I wonder how much Okaasan agreed to it.
He left DS some brochures for two more places to check out.
And come autumn we'll stir up the whole subject again and hope she is in  a positive mind about it.
Hope.

A part of me feels guilty for putting Okaasan into this.
When she says the place is boring and there is nobody to talk to. I kind of worry that it is maybe true. Is she in a living room of gaga old ladies, who don't have any conversations at all?
The staff reports talked about Okaasan joking around with X-san and enjoying card games and singing - how much was true? Or just writing a nice report for the money paying family?
Okaasan is good and bright with conversation and strangers, when someone leads the way. She isn't gaga yet - although in winter she is starts to decline in conversation ability.
Was it too early to send her twice a week to this kind of facility? The fact that in winter our family becomes on-foreigner-plus-old-lady - did that get us more points in the system? Plus my students' husband's introduction to the mental health clinic and assessment.

Anyway. We'll see how she goes thru the summer.

This morning on TV NHK had a report about people with dementia going missing. Happening more and more. One man went out for his morning walk and vanished. A week later he was found sleeping on a park bench 10 km from his home, hungry and tired.
A doctor said families should look out for the signs of dementia: repeated stories, lack of housework/personal care/cooking; buying the same things repeatedly; wandering; uneven sleep patterns. Yup. Check most of those!
Okaasan is still ok going out and coming home again. Mainly. Or asking for help from a friendly stranger/police officer.

After watching the report on TV I went downstairs to the kitchen. Okaasan was was watching the same program. It is bizarre: I guess she watches it like me, as an outside observer on that issue, with no awareness that SHE has most of those problems? I guess so.
I worry about when we go to Brazil for a week and day care worker will come in and cook and chat. I worry that Okaasan will wander somewhere - just the fact of the longer change in routine will shift her into a different phase. So far we've left her for 2 nights with once a day care.
A week will be very different.

Anyway. Onwards. Spring!

Accepting Defeat.Ungraciously.

Nadda.
Niet.
Nein.
Non.

All of the above and more.
Okaasan won't go to day care. This summer. Ever?

God help us.

Dear Son tried this morning. He really did.
But Okaasan came back at him with clear-headed logical and debate.
It's summer.  I can go walking for exercise. The people at that place are not intelligent. There is nobody to talk to. I don't like going there. There is nothing wrong with my brain - just normal aging. It can't be helped. Stop fussing.

The day care driver and manager came. DS took them out on the front door step to talk it over. Okaasan peered thru her curtains at the car in the street, I  tried to listen from an open window upstairs. They talked and talked.
They went away. He came inside in tears......"they are good people...". He hugged me and said "thankyou for what you are trying to do....".

And so Okaasan stops day care for now.

We'll try again in autumn. Try to find a different place maybe?
Or, if she won't go - arrange a care worker to come into the house twice a week in winter and take Okaasan out by car or taxi for a walk and a chat.
Something. Anything. As long as she goes somewhere and meets someone apart from me in those long winter months when DS is away.

The rest we'll just accept the defeat for now. She's ok. We'll shop for and feed her. She won't die. Just have less mental stimulation.

I am disappointed. But also losing interest. We try to help this woman. If she doesn't want the help...just let her slip more and more into dementia. It's ok. She is 84 years old. Had a good life. There's only so much helping you can try to do. Just let her be.
I want to focus on my work and life and friends. On my Japanese studies. On my cats and garden. On kayaking. On going to Brazil in July. On going to see Queen and Adam Lambert at a mammoth rock festival in Tokyo in August.
On life.

I feel pissed off at Okaasan. And I don't do defeat graciously.
I can't express that directly.
So I have stopped cleaning, tidying, washing, TV channel changing.
Can't be bothered.
Let her stew in it all.

I know this is a really immature reaction. 
But it's the way of righting my emotions.
After a while the guilt and inbuilt do-goodyness will come out again and I'll be back collecting her underpants for washing, removing rotting food, washing trousers, arranging hair salon appointments and generally helping.

But for now I'm not.

Just let her be. She has almost daily conversation with us at dinner time. We do some family activity outing about once a week. Just let her brain surf thru until the next dementia check in October.
For two years the day care people really helped, and Okaasan mostly enjoyed it.
They were great.

Originally, I wanted Okaasan to go to day care for winter care. I thought once a week. I was surprised when they offered twice a week. 

Just hope she'll go back next winter into something.

Bugger her.

Home weekend

Spring kind of came to Sapporo.

March 29th the garden looked like this....

April 13th it looked like this.

And I found this.

And Popo celebrated almost full, noisy health by doing this.

Spent the weekend close to home doing stuff that needed doing.

Okaasan looked a bit rough and sad this weekend. Ate lunch silently on Saturday. Then was getting ready to go for a walk, but had a toilet accident and PUT the soiled pants down the toilet bowl :-((  Ignored the trash box near the toilet.

By the time she'd had a bath to clean up etc the walking chance had gone. 

Sunday she didn't want to eat lunch with us. Ate about an hour later. She didn't really know why.

Went for a walk locally late afternoon.

Had dinner with us in the evening. But pretty quiet.

I haven't been into her room for almost a week now....