Christmases past...

Because there isn't much Okaasan and Me on Christmas 2023.

There she is in the picture above - maybe 7 years ago...in our kitchen at home, opening a present from me as I served her some kind of seasonal meal - and Dear Son was away ski working and partying at a ski teacher's home in the mountains.

And the 2nd picture is maybe 5 years ago in the first care home - we took in a present and some can drinks. Sat in her room and had some chat, pushed the wheelchair up and down the corridor and looked at the city view from the windows.

This year. Okaasan is in a hospital bed about 3 km from here. Tubes attached. Hasn't eaten anything for two years. Can't sit up in bed. Sometimes awake and maybe conscious of who is near her. 

We visited her this week. She was awake - but to be honest, I wish she hadn't been.

At the beginning of our allotted 15 min visit time she looked at Dear Son, then moaned and gurgled loudly...shaking her head violently. Then she shut her eyes. When he stroked her head she basically flinched away. So he stopped.

We sat and talked soothingly. We played White Christmas from YouTube on my smartphone. She kept her eyes closed. Her breathing calmed down.

Then we came home. A bit shocked and silent in the car.

He was sad to his mum this way. Was she happy? Was she angry? The nurse said she often makes those sounds/movements if they do something  - like moving her in the bed, changing the tubes. They don't SOUND like happy sounds.

Hard to know. I tried to reassure him that it could be confusion sounds, kind of raw emotion. Not necessarily anger or unhappiness. But even I don't believe my reassuring attempts.

Oh god. Please don't let the end of my life be like this.

This week a British Tv personality called Esther Rantzen has joined the Swiss assisted dying clinic and says that is her way out if her cancer treatment isn't successful. If I lived in the Uk I would do exactly the same. But the reality of me aging or sickening here in Japan is that I can't see HOW I would make the long flight to Switzerland to die there.

Dear Son and I talked about assisted dying the other day, how neither of us wants to be in a hospital bed for years, attached to tubes and non responsive.

"But Okaasan's situation is harder" he said....meaning that she IS responsive. She knows when somebody is there bedside, she maybe knows it is him (and me)...

We are both pretty certain Okaasan herself would never have wanted to be like this. But there is no other choice. When she stopped eating the doctors inserted tubes, and that went on from a week or two, into a month...and then into a year...now two.

And at that time 2020 she was fully conscious, able to understand the world around her. If assisted dying was possible in Japan, is THAT the point she would have chosen it? Is that the point I would chose to die? 

Would I value my life and want to continue doing it in a hospital bed, with tubes. Watching the TV, listening to music/podcasts and having visitors. I guess that is doable. At what point would I decide it wasn't?

However, the dementia makes all of that less and less certain. If she didn't have dementia, I guess now we would visit and have a few short conversations with her. Tell her about our lives, chat about the pretty flower arrangement and Bing Crosby songs. Maybe she would watch TV from her bed. Maybe she would laugh with the chatty nurse. 

ALL of that would be a life. Some kind of life.

But, what she has now is bed. Sleep. The sound of TVs nearby. Apparent stress when people do things to her. Memories? I hope she has happy memories, at least.

If we could visit more and longer, we could try to make things better for her. Play her music, massage her hands, chat brightly. Bugger COVID and the ongoing restrictions at this hospital. 15 mins a month is an impossible situation to make any meaningful difference.

Oh bugger. Pretty depressing.

 

Memories ...November 2015...

There we are, the three of us in Kawagoe, Okaasan's beloved home town. This was the trip we made to meet up with family members - while Okaasan could still enjoy the experience and one of her ailing brothers was still alive.

I can't remember exactly, but I think Okaasan and I went to Tokyo separately from Dear Son (he was already there visiting friends) and then he and I went to an Elton John concert in Yokohama and left Okaasan alone a few hours in a hotel room, with TV and green tea?

It was a successful trip of laughs and memory reliving. Also stressful, because 10 mins before leaving the house she still wasn't packed...and I have a memory that she fell inside a locked toilet cubical at a bus terminal and Dear Son had to climb into the cubical to free her? I should check back on the Blog for clarification. :-)

Anyway. 8 years ago.

Now Okaasan is in an elderly care home hospital in Sapporo. Living in a bed, her body hooked up to tubes which put nutrition in and take out waste. Not speaking anymore. Not eating. Understanding? Maybe....the immediate environment and hopefully happy memories like this.

We visited yesterday - still only allowed 15 mins a month.

AND>>>>> she was "asleep" again.

I say that in "" marks, because I think this time it was less actual sleep, and more drug induced closed-eyes resting. I noticed that one of the tubes had a tag with the words "Dopamine" on it - and reading a little on Google tells me this is commonly used to aid the elderly bed-ridden in swallowing, and to prevent pneumonia onset. I guess it also makes you "sleepy".

So, for our allotted 15 minutes of visit time, again, we sat bedside and talked and stroked her face. She lay there with closed eyes and occasion involuntary arm and face movements. Her eyelids moved more than before, so maybe it wasn't exactly sleep. But she looked peaceful enough.

And, to be honest, this kind of visit is easiest for us. We don't have to fill in the time with bright, friendly chat. We don't have to suffer her angry or sad expressions - and feel guilty. We just sit there and offer gentle comfort.

And then go home and get on with our lives for another month.

But still. 8 years ago Okaasan was chatty and active, enjoying a visit to her old haunts. Eating everything we put within reach and enjoying life.

I'm so glad we did that trip. A few years can make a whole difference in an elderly person's abilities and cognition. If you have elderly in your life - make real plans right now to go do that thing that'll make them happy!

 

  Hey there - here's a lovely photo of a small rock on a lake near me - covered in grass and moss. Just a little world of its own...

Waiting for autumn here - the summer sun is going on and on, but we know that Japan is about to explode with all those gorgeous autumn colors.

So. Okaasan. 

You may have noticed that I didn't post anything in September...and the reason is our Okaasan visit was cancelled at the last minute! One hour before we were due to go, the hospital called and said they were fighting an outbreak of itchy bugs and having to restrict family visits. Okaasan herself was fine, but our visit was culled.

But it meant we got priority a week later and  got an early visit date for October.

So off we went.

And. She was sleeping! The whole 15 minute visit. We sat at her bedside and chatted to eachother. And then the kitchen timer went off, and we left. Next time: November.

She looked fine, in fact peaceful and happy. A few frowns as dreams chased across her mind. But she was good. We didn't want to wake her and disturb that peace. So we let her sleep on, and we just sat there!

Strange visit. But kind of nice. She looked calm.

A little, calm rock on its own in a lake...peaceful.

You see what I just did there :-)

See ya in November!

15 Minutes of Visit

 More time this month.

Okaasan awake, too.

Slightly better feeling? Maybe. She looked at us, then sometimes made groaning sounds, scratched at her arm with one hand and rocked her head violently.

How is that somehow "better"? I'm not sure.

Dear Son had the bright idea to take in a photo of her husband and the older son. So we showed her those pictures and talked about them. She focused on the photo of her son in particular.

The crazy summer heat continues here. It has been 30 C plus for days and days...tomorrow will be 35 C!!

The hospital had the curtains closed, and fans to move air around. Of course they have air con.

We came away feeling slightly more comforted than last time. But not much. I guess I am glad that her dementia must be so advanced that she has no awareness of the time. Just the moment. The bed. The table beside the bed. The woman in the next bed. Nurses coming and going.

Not the days, weeks, months...years of this slow death.