Okaasan was on patrol to stop any bad behaviour yesterday.
Our bad behaviour!!!
At 7 pm she was telling off her 53 year old son for bring the house into disrepute and causing hatred among the neighbors.
He stood before her - wearing a black lingerie joke apron and a grin - rolling his eyes heavenwards and saying "Haiiiiiiii (Yeeeeeeessss)" helplessly.
Oh yes. BBQ day at our house. Whole bundle of fun.
At 11 am Okaasan left abruptly. Luckily this time we hadn't got a lunch delivery coming, but I was cooking up a delicious salmon and potato soup (a BBQ guest had sent us a whole salmon in advance).
Lunch? Salmon soup? No, don't want that. I'm going out, Amanda hasn't invited me, she doesn't want me here. I am going out.
You get the picture. Dear Son tried to coax her back into the house. They stood in the street talking. I hid in the garden.
But no. Okaasan had decided to leave.
So, we enjoyed our BBQ with luckily a much smaller group of friends this time. Only 10 people. More relaxing for us, I actually had time to chat to people instead of running around with plates and drink requests.
.....
At 4.15 pm we saw Okaasan coming home.
Being BROUGHT home hand in hand by a middle aged woman!
It was the woman who owns the Korean restaurant by the subway station. Bringing Okaasan home. And checking on the bad family who had forced this poor old lady out into the streets on a hot day to eat alone, while they ate and drank with their friends at a BBQ party that didn't include the aforementioned poor old lady.....
Pretty sure THAT was the impression the woman had, from what Okaasan had been telling her!
Apparently Okaasan had gone there for lunch - at 11.30? and stayed and stayed and stayed...chatting and chatting...I can't go home yet, there are people there, can I stay longer, chatting and chatting....over 4 hours!!!
Finally the woman (who maybe wanted to close up the restaurant and have a rest before the evening work ), offered to bring Okaasan home. Only 10 mins walk. But still. Even in amazingly over-kind Japan, this is service beyond service to a customer.
Dear Son (wearing the black lingerie sexy apron) apologised a lot.
I took Okaasan inside and get her settled down with the TV and a drink and some chat.
We shook our heads in disbelief.
............................
At 6.30 pm I was making my rounds in the garden saying "bye, I have to go cook dinner now" to friends.
Okaasan appears on the doorstep and starts telling Mother of Cutest Baby in the World and another guest: I have to be strong and tell Yujiro that this is too late for guests (YOU!) to be here, it is getting dark and this noise is disturbing the neighbors, and my husband always had people to the house and I had to be patient, but eventually I had to tell him - I have to tell Dear Son too. It is TOO LATE! You should all go HOME!
Aghhhh!!!
6.30 pm. Saturday. Summer holidays. BBQ-crazed Hokkaido.
8 people!
Agggggggggghhh.
I aplogised to the guests, got Okaasan inside with lots of reassurances that now it was her dinner time, and everyone was leaving soon, etc etc The neighbors are ok. It isn't that late. Nobody is worried about 6.30 pm on a saturday evening in summer.
This isn't the Fuji Rock Festival. It's 8 people standing at the side of the house in the garden.
etc etc etc
Okaasan went on and on about it. Get stroppy with me in the kitchen.
I got stroppy too. Broke all of those dementia care rules.....
"You've said this 20 times now in 30 minutes, enough already, it IS ok. In Hokkaido this is ok. Maybe 50 years ago in Saitama this was rude to the neighbors. Here in 2013 in Hokkaido, it is only 6.45 pm in school summer holidays on a Saturday. It IS OK! The guests are going soon, don't worry".
Okaasan very stony face at me.
Yujiro came into the kitchen with dirty plates - wearing the apron with lingerie design - and got a dressing down by his mother...
I heated up the soup, made other food, rice and salad and sat her down. Sat down with her to pretend eat stuff opposite her. Chatted on and on sweetly about all sorts of positive stuff - the salmon present - the cute design on a candy box - the flowers - the salmon - the weather - on and on...finally Okaasan was less tense and actually talked normally.
Finally.
I sat with her a bit and then left her with the TV and a cup of tea. Pulled her curtains closed so she couldn't see the furtive BBQ guests huddled in the twilight round the BBQ coals...
agggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
And that was our day.
* We have to go today and take a thankyou gift to the Korean restaurant woman. Apologise and convince her we aren't bad people to this old lady. That it is HER choice to out and stay out, etc.
And I feel sad that my name is being used by Okaasan as the bad person who isn't inviting her to the BBQ. She is putting the bad feeling on me, not Dear Son.
And really - telling our guests that it is time they went home - that was a bit of a shock. Telling us is one thing, but going out and telling guests off, even in a nice way, for still being at a party at 6.30 pm. I'm amazed she did that. Of course our friends know what's up here, and don't mind...but imagine if it was someone we didn't know so well.
I guess the whole focus is on self and self feeling. Appropriate behaviour goes out the window.
;-) Tomorrow is Okaasan's birthday. We are taking her out for sushi tonight, and I have made an appointment for her to have 40 mins of foot care/massage at a place nearby. We'll tell her it is a birthday gift, but I've asked the staff to check Okaasan's feet and see if there are any problems.
aghh.....work starts tomorrow. That will be nice a restful.
Showing posts with label paranoia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label paranoia. Show all posts
Sunday, 4 August 2013
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Sliding into paranoia?
Her. Not me. Although maybe I'm not so far behind....
Last night I had Couch Surfing guests (a Korean mother and daughter with the biggest suitcases in the world), so I was out making them welcome and got home about 9 pm.
I'd met Okaasan at 4 pm when I first got home and she was just heading out for a walk. Grabbed some laundry from her room, found the lunch delivery soup pot that she'd lost (it was in the microwave) and managed to do a bit of cleaning.
I cooked her fave flat fish in soy sauce and tofu soup, left it all out in the kitchen for her. Veggies, rice etc.
Got home at 9 pm and found none of it eaten. Okaasan asleep in her room.
???????? Had she come home and sat down by the TV while the soup was heating, and fallen asleep? Had she eaten while out? Was she sick?
Just now I went in to her room to check.
"Morning Okaasan? How are you? You didn't eat dinner last night, so are you ok?"
"I didn't eat dinner? Me?"
"Yes, when I came home at 9 pm from work (little white lie), the fish and the soup etc was still here in the kitchen. Are you feeling ok?"
"The suspicious person was outside, so I switched off all the lights."
"?????But the lights were on....about dinner...."
"There's that sign outside about Don't Ring the Doorbell. Why is that there?"
"Because last week you said someone rang the doorbell at 10 pm."
"Last night a man was in the street, I could see him. It gave me a bad feeling. I switched out the lights.".
"Well, it's ok....don't worry. We have a big strong front door. As long as you are ok, I was worried about you not eating dinner."
"Dinner? I didn't eat dinner?"
....and at that point at escaped!!!!!!!
Is her paranoia increasing and taking root?
Is this because Yujiro is away and she has an underlying feeling of anxiousness?
Or is there actually someone hanging around because the car is gone from outside the house 2 weeks, and lights are on all night in the house?
Or is the moon made of cheese?
Hmmm.....
Point 1: I must remember to take DOWN the door sign daytime and hide it, so that it doesn't trigger the whole story again. Maybe it is just reinforcing her paranoia. I should put it up just before I go to bed, when she is safely asleep by the TV.
Point 2: It will be very interesting to see if this story continues once Yujiro and the car are back next week. I'm betting it won't.
Mind you - we won't know if that's because the suspicious man has noticed the car and moved on to scare other old ladies, or if Okaasan is feeling safe again and her paranoia has subsided.
I think I need to go and have nice normal conversations with my English class students :-)
Last night I had Couch Surfing guests (a Korean mother and daughter with the biggest suitcases in the world), so I was out making them welcome and got home about 9 pm.
I'd met Okaasan at 4 pm when I first got home and she was just heading out for a walk. Grabbed some laundry from her room, found the lunch delivery soup pot that she'd lost (it was in the microwave) and managed to do a bit of cleaning.
I cooked her fave flat fish in soy sauce and tofu soup, left it all out in the kitchen for her. Veggies, rice etc.
Got home at 9 pm and found none of it eaten. Okaasan asleep in her room.
???????? Had she come home and sat down by the TV while the soup was heating, and fallen asleep? Had she eaten while out? Was she sick?
Just now I went in to her room to check.
"Morning Okaasan? How are you? You didn't eat dinner last night, so are you ok?"
"I didn't eat dinner? Me?"
"Yes, when I came home at 9 pm from work (little white lie), the fish and the soup etc was still here in the kitchen. Are you feeling ok?"
"The suspicious person was outside, so I switched off all the lights."
"?????But the lights were on....about dinner...."
"There's that sign outside about Don't Ring the Doorbell. Why is that there?"
"Because last week you said someone rang the doorbell at 10 pm."
"Last night a man was in the street, I could see him. It gave me a bad feeling. I switched out the lights.".
"Well, it's ok....don't worry. We have a big strong front door. As long as you are ok, I was worried about you not eating dinner."
"Dinner? I didn't eat dinner?"
....and at that point at escaped!!!!!!!
Is her paranoia increasing and taking root?
Is this because Yujiro is away and she has an underlying feeling of anxiousness?
Or is there actually someone hanging around because the car is gone from outside the house 2 weeks, and lights are on all night in the house?
Or is the moon made of cheese?
Hmmm.....
Point 1: I must remember to take DOWN the door sign daytime and hide it, so that it doesn't trigger the whole story again. Maybe it is just reinforcing her paranoia. I should put it up just before I go to bed, when she is safely asleep by the TV.
Point 2: It will be very interesting to see if this story continues once Yujiro and the car are back next week. I'm betting it won't.
Mind you - we won't know if that's because the suspicious man has noticed the car and moved on to scare other old ladies, or if Okaasan is feeling safe again and her paranoia has subsided.
I think I need to go and have nice normal conversations with my English class students :-)
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Memory and Emotion
Orchid is a new reader to this blog and she posted a comment on the last posting, it was so interesting I thought I'd move part of her comment up here into the main section so it doesn't get missed!
:-)
Here is what she wrote:
First, Okaasan can't remember so many things, yet she remembers if the piles of laundry and garbage in her room are moved/altered. How is it that something so unremarkable can be remembered and she becomes angry? Surely the composition and height of the piles is something even people who don't suffer from dementia would not remember well. Also, she has been angry with you for long spans of time for cleaning her room, but how is it that she remembers what she is angry about for such a long period of time? Why does she remember her paranoid beliefs that you stole a magazine when she can't keep many other memories at hand for a minute?
Is dementia highly selective in this way? Is she storing new memories with an emotional component (those that make her angry or anxious) differently than those which have a neutral component? If so, can that be used to make sure she remembers things of importance which are positive?
I've studied neurobiology a tiny bit, and I know that memories are stored such that both the details and the emotions are locked in together. It is impossible for one to be elicited without the other, and ironically, when a memory is jogged by external stimuli, sometimes the details of the memory are not brought forth but the feeling is. This is why people have anxiety and don't know why in certain situations. The emotion stored with the memory of a similar experience comes out, but the memory itself doesn't make it. I don't know if this relates to dementia, but if your reading has revealed any answers about this selective memory situation, I'd be very curious to know.
My thoughts....
1. I think she remembers what is important to her - and the "you stole my magazine" 2 years ago was a good example of that. Magazines are important to her. She makes special trips to the shops to buy the latest, she sits and looks at them in detail and copies down recipes from them. That time I probably removed a recently bought magazine...now I am much more careful and I take out magazines from the BOTTOM of the piles....!
I don't think she notices the changes in piles of clothes/newspapers/trash around her room - but if she can't find a particular item of clothing WHEN she is looking for it - then maybe the knowledge that we go into her room when she isn't there comes crashing to the fore.
She appears to remember the real angry times for about 5 days - or at least the emotion continues for about 5 days...and then it is gone again.
I reckon she DOES know we go in and remove clothes for washing and take out trash - but she accepts it basically.
2. Positive or Negative emotions, are they stored differently? I don't know! But I think the positive are easier to retrieve if SHE is basically happy in her days.
So every single time we eat okonomiyaki (savory pancake) it brings to life her happy memories of eating it after school as a child. I guess we ALL bury negative memories...
3. I think dementia sufferers do have selective memory - and for carers it can be disconcerting - you are never quite sure if she has remembered or not.
I've even seen her lose the memory of one of her own favorite stories...she is telling it as usual, and then the next piece of information isn't there. The following day - same story and the missing bit reappears! Once or twice I've supplied the forgotten details - but that confuses her because of course there is no reason why I should know HER story (except I've heard it a million times already).
It's all very strange....and interesting...funny...and frustrating....
:-)
Here is what she wrote:
First, Okaasan can't remember so many things, yet she remembers if the piles of laundry and garbage in her room are moved/altered. How is it that something so unremarkable can be remembered and she becomes angry? Surely the composition and height of the piles is something even people who don't suffer from dementia would not remember well. Also, she has been angry with you for long spans of time for cleaning her room, but how is it that she remembers what she is angry about for such a long period of time? Why does she remember her paranoid beliefs that you stole a magazine when she can't keep many other memories at hand for a minute?
Is dementia highly selective in this way? Is she storing new memories with an emotional component (those that make her angry or anxious) differently than those which have a neutral component? If so, can that be used to make sure she remembers things of importance which are positive?
I've studied neurobiology a tiny bit, and I know that memories are stored such that both the details and the emotions are locked in together. It is impossible for one to be elicited without the other, and ironically, when a memory is jogged by external stimuli, sometimes the details of the memory are not brought forth but the feeling is. This is why people have anxiety and don't know why in certain situations. The emotion stored with the memory of a similar experience comes out, but the memory itself doesn't make it. I don't know if this relates to dementia, but if your reading has revealed any answers about this selective memory situation, I'd be very curious to know.
My thoughts....
1. I think she remembers what is important to her - and the "you stole my magazine" 2 years ago was a good example of that. Magazines are important to her. She makes special trips to the shops to buy the latest, she sits and looks at them in detail and copies down recipes from them. That time I probably removed a recently bought magazine...now I am much more careful and I take out magazines from the BOTTOM of the piles....!
I don't think she notices the changes in piles of clothes/newspapers/trash around her room - but if she can't find a particular item of clothing WHEN she is looking for it - then maybe the knowledge that we go into her room when she isn't there comes crashing to the fore.
She appears to remember the real angry times for about 5 days - or at least the emotion continues for about 5 days...and then it is gone again.
I reckon she DOES know we go in and remove clothes for washing and take out trash - but she accepts it basically.
2. Positive or Negative emotions, are they stored differently? I don't know! But I think the positive are easier to retrieve if SHE is basically happy in her days.
So every single time we eat okonomiyaki (savory pancake) it brings to life her happy memories of eating it after school as a child. I guess we ALL bury negative memories...
3. I think dementia sufferers do have selective memory - and for carers it can be disconcerting - you are never quite sure if she has remembered or not.
I've even seen her lose the memory of one of her own favorite stories...she is telling it as usual, and then the next piece of information isn't there. The following day - same story and the missing bit reappears! Once or twice I've supplied the forgotten details - but that confuses her because of course there is no reason why I should know HER story (except I've heard it a million times already).
It's all very strange....and interesting...funny...and frustrating....
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Gloves, gloves, gloves...GLOVES!!!!
"I need to buy new gloves. A woman on the subway stole my gloves..."
Okaasan was fretting from dawn about the Stolen Gloves.
Sitting in her room constantly looking in her purse.
Yujiro was ridiculously stupid about her Stolen Gloves story and kept trying to correct her: no, no, I expect you LOST the gloves, women on the subway don't STEAL gloves, you LOST them etc etc.
I get so annoyed with him when he does this. It doesn't matter eitherway to us, but in Okaasan's worldview the STOLEN story is her reassuring story that she isn't going senile, that the outside world-woman-on-the-train did something to her. Paranoia doesn't accept Logic. Why not just nod and say a few comforting words, vageuly accept her version of events and leave it? Why challenge her version? It just winds her up and gets the whole thing more and more stressy???
Maybe I am better at doing this because I am not a precise, logical person - the world can be this...or maybe that...whichever. He needs precision, things must be THIS way, or not at all. And also maybe...I am a language teacher and spend my days faking interest in students' stories about their lives....most of the time it IS interesting, but there are times when I just fake it and smile and nod and say: "Oh really? You bought a pen for $200? How wonderful!",
Anyway. Back to gloves.
She asked Yujiro for the money to buy gloves. We debated this at breakfast time: if we gave her the money would she actually BUY gloves, or instead forget that and come home with 10 pots of aloe yogurt and pack of expensive seaweed?
It seems so stupid to be having this kind of conversation - is the child able to go shopping alone? Okaasan isn't a child, but we have a pretty clear idea of what she'll probably do or not do in a situation.
Does she need help to buy gloves? Can she do it herself?
Decided it was probably best for Yujiro to go with her and buy the gloves - maybe on Monday.
Hmmm...still not happy. I need gloves, gloves, gloves...stolen...gloves...
When Okaasan has something she wants to do, patience isn't foremost on her mind. It must be done NOW! Today! Now!
Mid-morning she remembered?/invented the tale? that she had in fact already BOUGHT and asked the shop to hold the gloves at the department store downtown and had to go RIGHT NOW and pay for them.
Sighing, he gave her the money and she got dressed and ready to go out in 15 minutes flat - and went. No mid-morning breakfast. No thankyou. Gloves, Department Store. Now. Amazing. Usually takes her an hour to get it together for going out.
When there is something on her mind that needs doing - 15 minutes.
Anyway, it left us a whole day to enjoy ourselves. We left her lunch in the new flasks on the kitchen table and set off for a noodle and tempura lunch at a restaurant I was know and then a hot spring...where we found we could book one of the private rooms for 90 minutes!!!! Couple time for Y3,000. Goooooooooood.
The autumn leaves are going, going, gone around Sapporo now, amazing to think that in 7 weeks from now it will all be snow covered. I hope I can ski more this year...I NEED to ski more this year!
Nice couple time out. He is off next week for his annual autumn trip to the Tokyo area to see old friends and drink the city dry. So it is good to have some time to ourselves for now - gives me good memories to hang onto when I am stuck at the kitchen table with Okaasan having dinner next week...
And we came home and Lo! and Behold! Gloves! She had bought them. Excellent. We over-worried about it. Easy to do this - to think she can't do something, when maybe...maybe she can. I think Carers do this a lot. It is hard to get the balance of how much supervision/care/life management Okaasan needs.
All ok now. New gloves bought.
Until these get stolen of course....
* And...look what I have bought....New Year lunch/dinner! I ordered it at the supermarket, for delivery on December 31st. A box of all the traditional stuff I am NOT GOING TO COOK WITH OKAASAN. NOT. COOKING. NOT. Learned that lesson last year after a 5 hour shopping/cooking biathlon. Ordering it is far, far better.
Okaasan was fretting from dawn about the Stolen Gloves.
Sitting in her room constantly looking in her purse.
Yujiro was ridiculously stupid about her Stolen Gloves story and kept trying to correct her: no, no, I expect you LOST the gloves, women on the subway don't STEAL gloves, you LOST them etc etc.
I get so annoyed with him when he does this. It doesn't matter eitherway to us, but in Okaasan's worldview the STOLEN story is her reassuring story that she isn't going senile, that the outside world-woman-on-the-train did something to her. Paranoia doesn't accept Logic. Why not just nod and say a few comforting words, vageuly accept her version of events and leave it? Why challenge her version? It just winds her up and gets the whole thing more and more stressy???
Maybe I am better at doing this because I am not a precise, logical person - the world can be this...or maybe that...whichever. He needs precision, things must be THIS way, or not at all. And also maybe...I am a language teacher and spend my days faking interest in students' stories about their lives....most of the time it IS interesting, but there are times when I just fake it and smile and nod and say: "Oh really? You bought a pen for $200? How wonderful!",
Anyway. Back to gloves.
She asked Yujiro for the money to buy gloves. We debated this at breakfast time: if we gave her the money would she actually BUY gloves, or instead forget that and come home with 10 pots of aloe yogurt and pack of expensive seaweed?
It seems so stupid to be having this kind of conversation - is the child able to go shopping alone? Okaasan isn't a child, but we have a pretty clear idea of what she'll probably do or not do in a situation.
Does she need help to buy gloves? Can she do it herself?
Decided it was probably best for Yujiro to go with her and buy the gloves - maybe on Monday.
Hmmm...still not happy. I need gloves, gloves, gloves...stolen...gloves...
When Okaasan has something she wants to do, patience isn't foremost on her mind. It must be done NOW! Today! Now!
Mid-morning she remembered?/invented the tale? that she had in fact already BOUGHT and asked the shop to hold the gloves at the department store downtown and had to go RIGHT NOW and pay for them.
Sighing, he gave her the money and she got dressed and ready to go out in 15 minutes flat - and went. No mid-morning breakfast. No thankyou. Gloves, Department Store. Now. Amazing. Usually takes her an hour to get it together for going out.
When there is something on her mind that needs doing - 15 minutes.
Anyway, it left us a whole day to enjoy ourselves. We left her lunch in the new flasks on the kitchen table and set off for a noodle and tempura lunch at a restaurant I was know and then a hot spring...where we found we could book one of the private rooms for 90 minutes!!!! Couple time for Y3,000. Goooooooooood.The autumn leaves are going, going, gone around Sapporo now, amazing to think that in 7 weeks from now it will all be snow covered. I hope I can ski more this year...I NEED to ski more this year!
Nice couple time out. He is off next week for his annual autumn trip to the Tokyo area to see old friends and drink the city dry. So it is good to have some time to ourselves for now - gives me good memories to hang onto when I am stuck at the kitchen table with Okaasan having dinner next week...
And we came home and Lo! and Behold! Gloves! She had bought them. Excellent. We over-worried about it. Easy to do this - to think she can't do something, when maybe...maybe she can. I think Carers do this a lot. It is hard to get the balance of how much supervision/care/life management Okaasan needs.
All ok now. New gloves bought.
Until these get stolen of course....
* And...look what I have bought....New Year lunch/dinner! I ordered it at the supermarket, for delivery on December 31st. A box of all the traditional stuff I am NOT GOING TO COOK WITH OKAASAN. NOT. COOKING. NOT. Learned that lesson last year after a 5 hour shopping/cooking biathlon. Ordering it is far, far better.
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