Things that go...dump...in the night.

This is our dinner-with-sushi-view last night at our nearest, dearest revolving sushi place...


Had to put our names down 90 minutes before we got to eat and had to sit in the car in the restaurant car park watching the rain fall for 30 mins until the order pager rang - but hell - it's a crazy public holiday in Japan and that's what people do!
And the sushi is VERY good.


It was our family trip out to spend time with Okaasan and let her enjoy the public holiday atmosphere. We sat at the counter and scoffed ourselves.


I was a bit worried that Okaasan had had a toilet accident in the car, while we were waiting - because the smell in the car was awful and I opened the windows and waffled on about the windows steaming up. We kept offering her chances to go to the toilet, but she declined.


Anyway, we got her home and the car seat seemed unstained...so I thought maybe it was just a giant fart filling the car.


Wrong................


Later on we went to bed. Yujiro as usual, was dead to the world in seconds.
I lay awake, listening to the rain and worrying about my terrace. I heard Okaasan slip-slapping in her slippers to the toilet. 
And there she stayed. The minutes went on...and I realised I hadn't heard her going back to her room. And then the toilet flushed. And again, and again, and again.
She stayed there 15 minutes...or more, flushed the toilet many times.
It could mean only one thing. I got up and went to the top of the stairs. A wall of foul smell hit me from the toilet door below.
Should I go down and check she was ok? Would that be even more stressful for her?
I hovered.
And went back to bed. All too stressful for her and I was ready to end my day and get back into oblivion.


This morning damp patches on the toilet room carpet tiles, stains on the toilet mat....yuk, yuk.
No half-washed pajamas or pants in the bathroom - which means they are lurking in a plastic bag or wrapped in newspaper in her room.
I changed the carpet tiles. Washed the mat.


Okaasan only had soup for lunch, complained that her stomach was "a bit upset".
So she remembers something about it. But we can't go into her room and get the soiled clothes - she'll either deny having any or say she'll do the washing herself. But she hasn't.
Today the rain continued, so she won't go out.
Somewhere in there the clothes will fester.


And of course the toilet pads are there unused in the corner of her room.
Don't need those.....

I keep forgetting things...

Okaasan IS aware of her mental condition, for sure - but not to the extent of it.


"I keep forgetting things" she said last night, as she was reading about an exercise class for oldies in the community newsletter.
The class info listed lots of good reasons why joining the class is good for you: and one of them was of course "to delay the onset of dementia".
I'd got Okaasan to help me read it over KFC dinner - hoping of course that SHE might feel interested enough to go to the community center and give it a go.


But seconds after commenting on her own forgetfullness, she counter-acted it swiftly with:
"...but I'm not that bad, I don't need this kind of class because I go walking downtown every day!".


I gently commented that the "every day" was more like "3 times a week" in winter....between long spells of sitting in front of the TV...but...but...


Complete Truthfulness is never going to happen in this family. It's a Japanese family and brushing stuff under the carpet is in the DNA. I sometimes read the blogs of dementia sufferers - usually Americans, who in a far more direct and pro-active society are fully aware of their own condition and doing what they can to counter-act it.


Here, just the gentle comment stage....


Okaasan wasn't mentally great at dinner last night: rambling on and on in a hamster wheel story - it started out as I-don't-eat-breakfast-Nishi-guru-told-me...and somehow got stuck on the school teacher who had first introduced her to Nishi-Guru - and then she couldn't escape the story - told me about 10 times about how he'd come to the house to discuss which university the older son should apply for, and the difference between the universities, and how the teacher didn't know, and how he'd come to the house to discuss.......and how...and how...


on and on and on.


Rambling meant not eating too, so finally I had to stand up and clear my plates and start washing up to get her to stop talking and finish her dinner.


My students and friends who occasionally meet Okaasan say: "Oh she's sweet, she seems ok!"...because Okaasan is able to do polite chit-chat for 5 or 10 mins. I wish people could see her real conversation ability...this endless story hamster wheels, how a sentence loops back on the one before - with no recollection that she used the exact same words 30 seconds or 50 seconds earlier.


Yu and I are in this together, we can suffer thru these conversations and insert the required responses. Carers who are alone with dementia sufferers have NO escape.


*  Cup of Water or Not? Haven't decided yet. Thankyou to everyone for comments on blog and off it. 
I do kind of agree that deception isn't a healthy thing. But, having the real world example of WHY she needs to start using incontinent supports would be so, SO useful.
This morning the toilet mat was soiled again...so I shall try and get into her room and find the soiled pajamas/pants etc and maybe use that as my lead-in.
I've got the pink trash box with it's trash bag, I've got the ST pads, and I've got the diapers.
All I need is the lead-in and a VAST amount of courage to go in and have the conversation......

Talking toilet.

No - not a Japanese Super Loo that chats while you squat..although I expect that exists somewhere.

He and I - sitting talking about "What to do with Okaasan's toilet situation?"
Strange conversation to be having.
Prompted by yet another "accident" on the toilet floor mat last night. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and I could hear Okaasan taking a looong time in the toilet and using up loads of paper...I found it this morning...the mat anyway...haven't found the clothes yet because we can't get into her room while she is there.

So. What to do?
This is going beyond the occasional accident that Yujiro could explain away by saying Okaasan had accidents when she couldn't stand up and walk to the toilet in time.
From Internet searches I am guessing we have two problems; a) elderly people lose power in the bowel muscles and the shit becomes softer and b) dementia sufferers don't remember and act on the "must go to the toilet soon urge".

It's time to move onto diapers - called rehabili  (rehabilitation) pads in Japan - and a special trash box in the toilet and her room so we can throw away the soiled pads easily.

But how to approach this topic with her?

I am all for getting the nurse at the health check hospital to do it in May. Maybe send a letter to the hospital now outlining the situation and asking them to have a private, gentle chat with Okaasan when she goes for the free health check. Then having the diapers and trash boxes in place. Let the professionals give Okaasan some semblance of privacy on the matter.

Yujiro thinks HE can talk to Okaasan about this topic and suggest the time has come for diapers and toilet trash box etc. He looks pretty depressed about it, as you can imagine - it won't be an easy conversation to have with your own mother.

I feel like I'm trying to a balancing act: trying to support him in this new strange role in his life, but trying to push him to do what I feel is best for all of us. I WANT the outside world (doctor/health center/care people) to know about Okaasan and our situation - but Yujiro wants to take care of it all himself....for love/guilt/pride reasons?

And so. aghhhh...............

Whatever we do it'll probably have to wait a while; until we've got the Fallen Out Tooth situation dealt with. I made an appointment for Okaasan for next Monday afternoon and prepped my dentist about her aversion to modern/Western medicine ideas....so we'll see if we can get her to go to THAT first.
Yujiro will be working as a cycle taxi driver - so it'll be my responsibility to get her ready and out to the dentist.
She seems fine - yesterday she actually went downtown to meet Yujiro (he'd forgotten to give her money for lunch) and she ate dinner with us in the evening, seemed a bit quiet...but basically ok.
The dentist visit isn't essential of course - but if the tooth has fallen out I am guessing the gum isn't healthy and there could easily be infection which will spread.

So, first Tooth....then we'll tackle Toilet.
Or Yujiro will. I feel a bit helpless - I don't have the language ability and I don't have the close relationship with Okaasan to be able to talk about such a personal topic with her.

Falling, falling..........

Okaasan's tooth fell out yesterday.
Top front.


She's had a crooked, nasty-brown colored tooth there for ages and yesterday afternoon she suddenly said to Yujiro: "did I eat something hard? My tooth has fallen out!".


So now we have the saga of will she/won't she go to a dentist.


Over a year ago she was complaining of tooth pains, so we finally got her to go to a local clinic. She went twice, but when the dentist said he was going to give her an anesthetic injection Okaasan decided with all HER medical-wisdom that it wasn't necessary. So she stopped going.


And now. Occasional pain you quickly forget is one thing, a gaping gap when you talk or smile is another. And we haven't found the tooth itself yet. Did she swallow it? Is it under the newspaper mountain?


She didn't eat dinner last night, returning predictably to Guru Nishi-sensei's "don't-eat-and-your-body-will-heal-itself" mantra. But she did agree that a dentist should have a look to make sure there is no infection. 
Friday starts a series of public holidays in Japan so we'll try and get her along to my dentist quickly.


AND!!!


The other falling...


Yesterday I went back to my indulgence: woodchip sauna bath salon, after a break of almost 6 months.
And it was too hot for me. And I almost fainted! Had to be rescued by the salon staff armed with iced towels etc.


It was scary actually. I haven't fainted in years, not counting menopausal dizziness from standing up too quickly.
After 10 minutes buried up to my neck in woodchips I felt a bit hot, after 15 uncomfortable. By the time the facepack went on...not too good. Got out...into the shower and felt dizzy, into the locker room and it was spinning.
I luckily got out to the reception area and lounge - "feeling bad!!! bad!!" to the staff, and just as my legs went like lead and I felt I was falling the staff steered me into a massage chair, pulled the curtains and brought me  round with iced towels and water.


YIKES! Scary. 
I canceled the much-longed for Facial treatment and came home gently. Felt ok at home, but stayed off the beer/wine.


Hmm. I hope it was just because I was too hot. Maybe a menopausal hot-flush came on strong at the same time too. New customers usually only do 10 mins., but as I am an old customer the staff and I thought 20 mins. was ok. I guess not.


* More double incontinence Sunday. Well, we FOUND it on Sunday. Three pairs of soiled pajamas in Okaasan's room. Thankgoodness for washing machines.

Back to reality.

After all the elation of the Walkathon success...which by the way is featured here in the Hokkaido Newspaper...

After all that....um...Okaasan basics.

Toilet...err.. problems again.

Came home Monday evening and Yujiro said he thought Okaasan had had an accident in her room because he saw her suddenly stand up, grab some newspaper and run from her living room into the tatami room...and then she was there for a long time.
Sure enough. On Tuesday while she was out he got into her tatami room and found very soiled underwear and newspaper and tissues and stuff. All had to be bagged up and thrown out.

What to do? It's SO hard to talk about this. For either of us really.
Recently she has double incontinence more and more. It must be embarrassing and disgusting for her, but lucky if it happens at home. But eventually I think she'll stop going out.
Does she remember it happened or not? Does she know that we've cleared up after her in her room?

I hope when she goes for the very basic free health check at the clinic this spring that we can get a nurse to mention it and maybe recommend old person diapers. Hope.