Return to...where?????

There we are - back in Kawagoe, back with the family, back with the memories.

We did it! She did it. I did it. He did it. Success.

Along the way....oh.....ho ho ho.....

First of all: she enjoyed it. She got noticeably brighter when we arrived in Kawagoe. Lots of old chat came out. With the family she didn't know who they were at first ("Hello? I think we met recently?", but then understood and smiled and laughed and chatted.....and DOESN'T she look great? So young and beautiful!

It was a good thing to do. Worth all the work...all the work....for her and for her family members. One of Okaasan's brothers is not so well at all, and this may be the last chance for them to meet. 

But.

Oh, but.

You can imagine...the GETTING there was one whole HUGE puzzlement for Okaasan. Out of her familiar surroundings she was all at sea in confusion of place and time and reason. She depended on us a lot. Her dementia leaves her very vulnerable to confusion.

At 6 am on departure day she had no idea we were going anywhere. No idea there was a letter. Wanted to know WHY we were going. Wasn't at all interested. It was a major effort to get her up off the carpet and dressed.

Mind you: she then happily told everyone she met along the way: "I love going places. When they invite me to Tokyo I jump right up and say "Yes!""....yeaaaah. Right. Oyomesan groaning in the background...

The packing was a nightmare. Couldn't do it. All she could do - after a lot of pushing from me - was to put hand towels and handkerchiefs in a handbag. I packed her suitcase out of sight...and unpacked the towels and handkerchiefs....then unpacked and packed her in Yokohama and Kawagoe hotels.

And place: "Where is this?" was a constant, constant refrain. Every few minutes. At the airport, on the bus, in the hotels, in the streets, on the trains, in the hotel elevators, in the toilets...

Funniest was: "Is this my room?"...standing in the hotel bathroom? "Is this where I/we live?"

"Is this Yokohama? Is this Sapporo? THIS is Kawagoe?"

Return to Kawagoe.

And toilets: I KNOW I have been in and out of every single public toilet in Yokohama station area and then between there and Kawagoe, all over that town, and back to the airport. Know it. 

Actually maybe our trip was a tour of toilets.

We did well finding toilets and averting accidents - almost...in the final trip back to Tokyo airport I let Okaasan go into toilets alone and she chose the Japanese style squat cubical...minutes went by and she didn't come back...then started calling my name and banging on the door!

She had fallen down on the toilet floor, with her clothing round her knees...and couldn't stand up. Her body was wedged against the door - so I had to force my way into the cubical to haul her up off the floor....and get her dressed again and safely out.

While we were at the Elton John concert - 5 minutes away from the hotel - she was dozing by the TV in the room. But locked the door from the inside...had to telephone and bang on the door constantly to get her awake etc But she was safe.

And Kawagoe. The three of us walked and bussed around the old historic town, where little Kazuko had played long ago. She and I went inside the old house where a shogun was born, saw treasures and autumn leaves. She had great delight in showing off all the history and telling EVERYONE: I was born in Kawagoe!!!

We even found a town history exhibition with a friendly curator. He was obviously very interested in Okaasan and what she must know, but his questions confused her and she kept repeating: my friend lived in that shop, I don't know her name, where did I live? I don't know, I was born here!, my friend lived there, I played there, we went to the doctor's office in a rickshaw...

Frustrating for the curator. A child of course doesn't know the names of places and people. And now Okaasan has child-like memories. Lacking the facts.

"My friend lived here, we played together!"

Funny which experiences or information stick.

As we stood in the hotel foyer saying goodbye to family members I commented how well T-looked: "Was he here today? Did I meet him?"

But next morning: "H-san didn't come yesterday, because one of her husband's relatives is very sick."

So she forgot the brother who she sat next to for two hours. But remembered the sister who didn't come...and why.

And so. It is done. My good deed. I promised myself that she should go two years ago when I visited her hometown. And we managed to take her.

Success.

Today she is tired but seems fine. Chatted away. I will make up these photographs into prints and give them to her to aid her memory of the trip.

It was a huge amount of work - but the results for her and her family were good.

Now. Winter.

We're home!

That's me! That's him! In Rio!!!!!

It was amazing, a real holiday of couple time again. The football (although he was gutted that Brazil were knocked out), the homestay, the city, the food, the sights....the obligatory pick pocketing (small amount of local money and about $800 taken from two credit cards)....

He called our home almost every day to check in with the carers and Okaasan. One of our friends also visited a few times to make sure Okaasan wasn't trashing the house. He called the vets to make sure the cats were ok.

That's what it's like to go on holiday and still have responsibilities at home...

We came back late on Thursday night. Okaasan was sleeping.

Next morning I met her in the kitchen as she was heading to the toilet. She just said "Good morning" and shuffled on. Did she even realize we'd gone? 

Later we sat with her at lunchtime and chatted. Souvenir biscuits etc She listened to our chat and only showed interest in our observations that Brazilians were really kind to strangers on public transport/that Brazilians eat a lot of sugar....because she could quickly relate that to something she knows about - "Japanese people were like that before the war"..."they all have diabetes from eating too much!".

But she didn't ask any questions: it is a feature of the dementia. A kind of wall of disconnect from things which are beyond HER own world/knowledge.

If DS came home and said a huge purple monster had ridden his bike taxi I think Okaasan might comment that monsters eat too much and get diabetes....

Day care people had left a report file. Everything was fine, Okaasan had been out sometimes when they came - but after they called her she came home quickly. She ate dinner, she chatted, she had one bath, they did a little of her laundry, tidied a little in her room.

By Day 3 she had taken down all the signs DS had made for her about "Don't Forget to Take When You Go Out"....and for several days she wasn't really understanding that we'd gone to Brazil...then she got the idea...but by the next few days seemed to think we'd gone to South Africa...then by Day 7 she was telling the calling friend/care staff "Oh I don't need help now, they came back already, they are upstairs..."

But basically she was ok.

Such a relief. It means we can take trips together. We really can. Because it WAS so great to be together on holiday, to remember who we were before care duties and responsibility.

I wonder a little if there will be a basic knock on effect of this experience for Okaasan. That we won't see immediately. She appears to have coped with a change in routine, but all of us react to stress some way. I hope not...but I do wonder.

Anyway...

Our first dinner as family again - pretty strange!

DS had booked day care for yesterday too, in case there was a travel disaster and we couldn't get back in time. So, rather than cancel it and let the woman have a probably welcome night off...he asked her to cook THREE dinners and feed us too!

He has a nerve. Really. I was amazed.

So was she. But she agreed to do it. Went and did the shopping. came back to our kitchen and while DS sat there chatting about his holiday....and I watered the garden...and Okaasan watched TV...this lady cooked dinner for us!

There can BE no better home coming from holiday than to have someone shop and cook for dinner.

She served us dinner while we sat at the kitchen table. We joked about booking her for every night. Okaasan looked confused about why this woman was here cooking for us all and we were all chatting and laughing and showing cat pictures on our cell phones etc.

It'll probably give Okaasan the final push into another stage of confusion :-)

Me as Okaasan

Hi - sorry. Long week. Xmas holidays are over and it is back to work on a full schedule.

Me as Okaasan. Me as a mother. To Okaasan......

Wednesday was hair salon day.
I took Okaasan downtown to have a cut and perm.
All went well, she looked great afterwards and felt happy.

But, you know....these trips are feeling increasingly like me and my child. I don't have kids and this role is new to me. All the pre-thinking, planning and double-checking. How do mums DO it all every single day, with multiple offspring?

Hair appointment was for 11 am.

So that meant a 10.30 am departure in the car.

And that meant: should Okaasan eat something at home before we left? 
She doesn't usually eat breakfast, but a cut and perm starting at 11 am was likely to go on until after 1 pm....

At 9.30 am (after my own breakfast and shower and dressing) I was offering Okaasan a little bit of food. She didn't think it was necessary.
Fine. So countdown to departure. 9.45 am. 10 am reminder, 10.15 reminder....at 10.25 am Okaasan was STILL in her pajamas in front of the TV!

What IS this complete disconnect from time? She appeared to know we were going downtown for hair salon. The "10.30 am" time was repeated constantly..but still she made no move to get ready. Day care is the same, she is usually getting up and getting dressed right up against the time of the activity. It's getting worse - I am sure.

Is it actually not remembering what I'm saying? Or is it losing the ability for time management? If I am leaving the house at 10.30 am I should get up and wash my face and get dressed...and  those things will take time...

SO frustrating. My stress levels rocketed. I should have gone into her room at 10 am and started picking up clothing for her and offering her sweaters etc.

Anyway. Drive downtown and deliver Okaasan to the salon. Via: "Do you need toilet before the salon?" checks.  Lots of young male stylists on duty: so Okaasan looked happy :-)

I actually went out and bought her a rice ball and took it back to the salon in case she DID get hungry while it was all happening. Left my cell number with the salon.

Off to escape for a few hours of stuff to do downtown.

1.20 pm the salon called, and I go back - move the car near the salon doors, wait for Okaasan, go upstairs and get her, pay for her etc and get her back downstairs and into the car...and quickly drive away from downtown before she can suggest eating anything in a coffee shop etc.
Get her home and then prepare lunch for her and get her sitting down to eat it etc.

Rush off to work at 2.30 pm.
All duty done.

It doesn't sound hard. Just take someone by car to a hair salon. It isn't hard. But....arranging it all and making it run smoothly takes effort.
Gone are the days when Okaasan would look in the mirror and think "Hmm, very straggly, need haircut" and then book an appointment, go to the salon on time, have the perm and cut and come home and make lunch for herself. Gone are those days.

Dear Son came home for 1 night this week between ski jobs and is gone again. I did all the rest of stuff I usually do. MUCH easier this winter with the car. I can go shopping and get heater oil and cat food cans between classes.
Okaasan chatty at dinner times with me. Had a slightly disconcerting time slip conversation about how to cook the New Year rice cake decoration...."We should display this until January 7th, when is New Year? It isn't yet, is it?" - before I dragged her back to January 17th. Funny - she laughs about her mistake, but doesn't seem particularly shocked that it isn't the date she thought.

Day care good. Requests for non-smelly clothing etc. Spare trousers to change Okaasan after toilet accidents at the center.

**** EXCITING News! Nothing to do with Okaasan and me.
The stuff I had to do downtown on hair salon day?
Reserve rooms at a community center for April screenings of the documentary film "Hafu". It's about the growing mixed-race  community in Japan, people born between two (or three) countries/cultures.

I've been a supporter of this project for a while, even when it was in planning stage. Now the film is finished and getting showings around the world at community and film festival screenings. There were two screenings in Sapporo at a university and a school. 

Now I am trying to arrange a more public screening downtown, near the main station.

Reserved rooms for April 26 and 27th! Exciting! I wasn't quite brave enough to book the big hall for 90 people, But I went for a medium sized room for 70...but more likely 50 plus if we move the tables and chairs.

So: two screenings for 50 plus people. I've put in the application for the screening kit to the film distributor etc and am starting to make the contacts locally to get the word out.

Very happy and excited about it.

Here is the trailer for the film. If you are interested in organising a screening please check out the website for details. It's a great little documentary about Japan and its future citizens.

I'm guessing that as you are reading a blog about people in Japan you might have an interest :-)

Home for the holidays

So - it's snowing.
And snowing some more.
Oh...and more.

Winter holidays in Sapporo, north Japan.

But - this year I got a car AND a snow blower!
Makes  a big difference.
I can get out to ski and shop :-9 Easily.


Okaasan is ok - a little strange, but seemingly ok. She enjoys the mealtime chats I give her and the softcare.
Softcare is my term for the little things I try to do for her to brighten a day. Give her a cup of coffee, show her a funny xmas card, give her some season flowers to arrange .....anything to break her monotonous days in front of the TV.
Of course - she isn't really conscious of it BEING monotonous, but at some level I am sure she knows it's a nothing-time. There are no day care trips until January 7th - until then I am this old lady's only source of fun and interest.
God help her!

I can entertain cats who are stuck indoors with bits of plastic,  crackly plastic bags, dangly toys and balls of paper.
Okaasan too needs little bits of softcare.

And keeping in the right time/year.

Lunchtime yesterday I mentioned end-of-year-shopping and crowds.
"End of year? no! That's finished! It's January 5th now! End of year was a week ago...."
"Um no....end of year is Tuesday next week....it's December 29th today!"
"December? No! It's January 5th!!"
And she gets up from the lunch table and goes to her room to search for a newspaper with a January date to show me - shows me her table calender opened on January 5th and gets very stressy.
All very odd. WHY does she think it is January?
Is it a date on one of the many supermarket flyers that litter her room? Why has she turned her block calender to Janaury 5th?

I have no idea. But finally - with the evidence that all the newspapers on the carpet have December dates, that something from the fridge has an Eat by Date of 12/30 - she kind of accepts that it is still December.

In the afternoon I offer her the chance to get out - and she chooses to go by car to the subway station and head into town alone on the chance of meeting her "friend" at the coffee shop. 
I give her Y2,000 for shopping and hope she doesn't come home with too much that I have to factor into New Year cooking plans.
She comes back 3 hours later and I pick her up at the subway station - no shopping at all and a slightly sore knee.

Home for dinner and chat.
She spends the evening staring at her calender and bits of paper.
The TV and newspaper and supermarket flyers are full of end of year sales and news.
But she has a nagging suspicion that it's January 5th.

Once upon a time...a time...a time...

Time.

Funny thing with dementia.

Okaasan often not sure if it is morning or afternoon....spring or winter.
If we set a time for going somewhere she will usually be ready WAY before necessary, sitting ready with her coat on and all ready to go.

How long has something been happening? That too...a bit of a fog.

"How long have you lived in Sapporo?" asked the city office staff recently.
"Sapporo? Oh, 10 years...."

This week I took the nice winter coat to the dry cleaners and returned it to Okaasan. Hoping she will wear it again, instead of summer coat or cardigan.
"That's an old coat, I bought it years ago, it's all old and dirty...I should buy a new coat..." Okaasan kept telling us.
"No, no - you only bought it 4 years ago, with Dear Son, in a department store in Tokyo...it was dirty, now it is clean again..."

The coat IS a little damaged on the arm, where Okaasan fell on the road last year. Will she notice the damage? Will she refuse to wear it? If she doesn't, can I wear it instead....such a waste...it was an expensive coat only 4 years ago.
Ho hum....maybe have to buy a new coat.

Once upon a time...a time...a time...

4 years ago today I started this blog. I'd just accpeted my boyfriend's plan to bring his confused old mother to live with us....and I had no idea how life was about to change.
I've grown up a whole lot. So has he. We became adults...in our 40s...
I never thought I'd continue writing this blog. It was suggested by one of my students, and she translated many of the early entries - but got overwhelmed by my endless postings and stopped....
Friends have suggested turning it all into a book - which I might after Okaasan has popped off to the big kotatsu.
But for now, it is what it started out as - a place for me to vent and moan, as well as a place where friends and friends-I've-never-met catch up on what's happening.

Once upon a time...Okaasan and Me started.

And ANOTHER night...

He was due home tonight.
But come 6 pm I got the call from the ski area...he'd got a booking for another day's work, sorry etc etc etc...but won't be home.


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That's actually how I feel.


But, good little Oyomesan. I put a smile on my face and cooked dinner for Okaasan and Me.


In fact, after a vast, 3-hour lunch with a friend at the French buffet in town, food was, unusually, the last thing on my mind...but have to go through the motions for Okaasan.
And hope she doesn't go thru the "motions" all over the carpet tiles.
I reckon this time the toilet carpet tile isn't worth cleaning and rescuing. Better to throw it out and put down fresh carpet tiles. The toilet bowl mat I cleaned this morning....while I was having a shower.....


Tonight.
At 6.30 pm I went into check that Okaasan wanted dinner.
She had her mouth full of something and waved her hand and shook her head.
You don't want dinner? I looked back at the kitchen where it was all coming along nicely.
Nohmmmmmmwwnnn!!!


???????????


"I don't eat".
??????
"You don't want to eat? You feel sick again, is it your side?"


"No, I don't eat at this time. I don't eat in the morning."


???????????????????????


"It's 6.30 in the EVENING!!!!"


"Is it? It's evening now? I thought it was morning? oh, ok...I'll eat then..."


And she did. And I guided the conversation around here and there and got her chatty. I did my duty. 


But oh,,,, I so hoped he sould come home and make tonight easy.


I lied to Okaasan. Told her he was coming late tonight. Tomorrow I'll tell her he left early.


Okaasan's grip on time isn't great. is it January 1st now? This food will be delivered on December 31st....when is that? Is it afternoon? I was asleep...


MY grip on time is all too accute, I am counting the minutes and seconds till he walks back thru the door and I can take a back seat in the conversations...such as they are.




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