Fraying routines

Dinner is finished.
It's time to stand up and check there is water in the electric kettle.
Then flick the switch down to start the water heating.
Walk to the dresser and get a tea cup and the green tea can. And a wooden spatula.

Put them on the table. Open the tea can. Put a spatula of tea in the cup. Close the tea can lid.
When the water boils - the click of the switch and the light off indicates - pick up the kettle from its holder and pour the water into the cup. Stir a little.
Sit and drink.

That's the routine. Okaasan's lunchtime and dinnertime routine. Without fail. After a meal, time for green tea.
She doesn't cook now. She hardly sets the table. Clears her dishes from the table sometimes, washes a dish sometimes, wipes down the kitchen counter...

But the tea making is her solo task.

We've noticed it is fraying a little. Usually she manages to do it all in order and complete the task. But sometimes ...recently more times...not.

Right from the start actually. From the decision to make tea - sometimes she finishes eating and we are busying around the kitchen (well, ok...trying to escape) she just sits. And sits. Doesn't actually make any move to get up and start the tea process. Just sits and watches us washing dishes, putting leftovers in a box, changing the trash bag.

If we say: "Okaasan, there's water for tea!" she starts in on the routine. But often not.

Then the whole kettle/tea/cup/spatula process gets all mixed up.
Cup with only hot water.
Tea into the dirty bowl which has traces of curry on it.
Tea and water BACK into the kettle.
Tea in cup placed slightly to one side and a second cup made straight away.
Tea and cup left forgotten on the table.

More and more we notice that the routine isn't going smoothly.

Could she? Breaking it down.

Okaasan whinged at Dear Son the other day: "I don't need  that woman, I can go out on my own in a taxi shopping.

"That woman" would be the wonderful, patient care helper from the local authority. Who comes for two hours every week to get Okaasan dressed and out to a local supermarket by taxi.

Dear Son told his mother bluntly - NO, your mental condition is far worse than you know. You need help in going out and in winter is safer with a helper.

I thought about it afterwards.
Could she do it alone?
What could she do? Couldn't she do?

Task:
Order a taxi, get dressed, get handbag/phone/gloves/key/money - go shopping. 
After shopping get another taxi and come home. Pay the taxi.

Well, to be honest it isn't that hard. 
What areas would be difficult for her? End in confusion.

Ordering a taxi.

Would she just sleep the afternoon away? After lunch fall asleep and only when we come home at 5 or 6 pm, wake up? So, too late to go out? Probably. Usually her days are spent dozing with the TV, hour after hour blending into the same time. The actual decision "Now I will order a taxi and go out in 30/45 mins" - the ability to make that decision and act on it. Gone.

Even with a taxi company number and her telephone - I don't think she could do it. Have the conversation to tell the taxi company where and what time. And then be ready for the taxi when it arrives.

Get ready for going out - don't think she could do it alone. I think the taxi driver would be hovering in the hallway, with the car parked in a narrow snowy street while Okaasan fussed about gloves, or heater, or key, or phone...impossible for a middle-aged Japanese male taxi driver to come into the house and assist Okaasan.

After shopping - coming home by taxi. Maybe she could get a taxi, give them the address to come home. Would she have enough money to pay each time, or would she have used it all for shopping?
And then if there was no taxi outside the supermarket at the moment when she emerged, would she try and walk home in the snowy, icy streets...

Yes - we could arrange it ourselves. Pre-book a taxi to come every Wednesday at 3 pm.
But we'd have to telephone her at 2.30 pm ...and 2.45 pm to make sure she was getting ready.
And still I worry about the poor driver having to hover while she fussed.

Mainly the problem is Okaasan WANTING to go out or not.
I can easily imagine a pre-booked driver arriving at the front door - and Okaasan peering out at the snow and saying: "Oh, a bit cold today, I don't feel like it, thankyou....I don't want to spend that money".

Part of the day helper reason is the cheerful conversation and interaction she gives Okaasan. Monday to Friday in front of the TV alone isn't good. If I am working nights, the amount of conversation with me is limited to a few sentences about the weather or the heater as I rush in and out.

So. We use a day helper.

That is the breakdown of why we don't think Okaasan could order a taxi and go shopping herself. Impossible to explain that all to her, of course. 
And in fact, we are VERY lucky that - until now - she hasn't tried to do any of this. She has a phone, she usually has some money, there is probably a taxi company number on a city public service newsletter - she could decide to head out independently. But she doesn't. Usually sleeping with the TV.

* And in happier news today.
I managed to get her into a bath, then she climbed out of the bath alone and I got the timing precisely right for me to go into the bathroom and start washing her hair. While she was sitting on the edge of the bath.
Just marched in, took the shampoo and set about it with what I hoped was a day service helper kind of brisk, friendly efficiency.
Success.

Now I've given her lunch.

And I am going out to a local cheapo steak place to gorge on steak. I have a cold coming on and my European body-in-the-land-of-tofu is craving MEAT. That will make a difference.

Head cold. Injured cat. Old lady and her bath.
Happy Saturday.

Will just have to open up yet another Adam Lambert video on YouTube and make myself happy.

Out...and down :-(

And. Another fall.
How many times can an old lady fall down without seriously injuring herself? We are finding out.
Not sure MY nerves can stand the stress, though.

It was a beautiful day - getting warm, sunshine and springy.
I called Okaasan from the office at 2 pm. Told her the weather was great and that now was the time to go for a walk. I'd given her some money at breakfast time.

So. A little surprised, and worried that I got home at 6.10 pm and she was out. Now the spring day had turned dark and cold.
Tracked her on the GPS and saw that she was near the local MacDonald s. I called her and told her to come home soon for dinner. I asked about her legs and she claimed she was fine and didn't need a ride in the car.

THEN I realised her winter coat was still hanging in her room. She'd gone out wearing a blouse and a cardigan?
So I jumped in the car and went looking for her, in the evening rush hour. Couldn't find her and had left my phone on the kitchen table.

So, back home. Started cooking dinner...waited. Checked the GPS again....finally near 7 pm could see her on the GPS in the next street.
Waited. 10 minutes, she didn't return.

I walked outside to look: found her sitting in the dark, cold street - with legs nearly drawn up in front of her...like a prim girl sitting at a picnic.
84 years old and sitting in the street at 7 pm on a March night in 5 C.

She seemed ok though. Kept saying it was too soon to stand up,  getting testy with me for worrying. I brought a chair out of the house  so she could get to her feet. Then took her hand firmly and walked her inside.
Gave her dinner - and watched her do the whole tea/water/powder/cold water/hot water dance while the food got cold on the table.

Finally I escaped.

Luckily, luckily she seems ok. I haven't seen her body - I am sure there will be bruises/cuts from falling on the road surface. But no broken bones. Amazing, really.

What could I have done differently?
Is it too soon for her to walk alone outside?

I should have hunted for her more in the car and brought her home. That's for sure. Despite her refusal of a lift. My decision making about her ability is better than her own ability.
I should have called her again at 2.30 pm to make sure she really WAS going out for a walk in daylight?

We shouldn't be letting her walk out alone yet?

aghhh..........have to talk to DS (who is away at a ski resort for 4 days)....

Mean thought of the Day: I wish she WOULD injure herself and end up in hospital. Life would be easier.

Can't say that anywhere else....but here.....

Happy ??? Birthday

What's a good birthday present for somebody with dementia?

It's a thought that has been rattling around my brain this week.

We took Okaasan to a Day Spa last weekend and she seemed to enjoy it ok...I guess. She enjoyed being with us and chatting, the car ride, the fruit farm...maybe she enjoyed the hotel and the spa and the lunch.
Maybe.
I'm not sure because I do think the new place - the hotel - and the new activity - going to a spa in this hotel, then buffet lunch in a new restaurant - all of that...I wonder if she really could enjoy it or not. A lot of it was confusing for her really. Was that a good birthday present?

On Monday a student whose mother is a bed-ridden invalid mentioned that it was her mum's birthday and we discussed what on earth would be a good present for someone who basically stays in bed and sleeps 90% of the time....

Made me think some more.

Yesterday I did some cleaning in Okaasan's room - actually WITH her, for a change.
I did it in stages, and stopped it when she started getting stressed.
First I asked her if she could help me by neatly tieing up the newspapers for recycling - a household job she is good at.
Then I introduced the vacumn cleaner and while I used it, asked her to pick up a few things....well "few" means "tonnes"...in front of the vacumn machine.
She gathered up stuff and dumped it in other places - the clothes, the bits of paper, random plates and cups.
I tried to help her sort some of the clothes: basically into winter-and-don't-need-now stuff....and dirty/clean.

It's hard this: to tackle the pile of clothes Okaasan keeps permanently around her on the carpet and sofa, on the table, under the table.

But I got an insight into her thinking about this jumble of clothes. She seems to think that all of it is out in sight at the moment for a reason:

- this needs mending
- this needs washing
- this needs to go to the dry cleaners
- this is old and I will show it to Dear Son who will buy me a new one
- this is clean and still drying

Of course, sadly, these plans hardly ever turn into action. Days and weeks go by and the clothes stay where she has dropped them.
She picks them up and examines them occasionally, then there is something on Tv that catches her focus and she puts it down to be forgotten again.
Okaasan doesn't go to the dry cleaning shop. She doesn't actually DO anything with the needles and threads in her sewing kit, she doesn't talk to Dear Son about needing new clothes.
It's all in her head. She is permanently in the middle of doing all this clothes sorting out, always in that loop of necessary activity - but never finishing it.

She and I sorted clothes a little, I managed to get out some beyond repair pajamas. Take out one sweater for dry cleaning. Change the blanket for a summer one. Put away a winter muffler out of sight.

Then I sensed she was getting a little loud-voiced and over excited about WHERE I would go for the dry cleaning. In her mind there is only one good dry cleaning shop in the whole city and it is right back across town, near the first apartment she lived in when she came to start her life with us. I don't go there now - it's too far - but I tell her I do...and cut off the shop tags when I return any dry cleaning to her.

So. A productive 30 mins cleaning with Okaasan.

And today?

After an internet search for ladies fashion brands I located a shop in a department store downtown. I went in today and bought two pink flowery, summer pajamas - exactly like the ones that Okaasan has had for years, which are now tattered and beyond repair.

Tonight I will give them to her: maybe they are a better birthday present. Something familiar and important to her, the clothes she lives in every day. The same brand of clothes. The same pattern.

I hope I am right :-)

But, before we all get warm and fuzzy here. Let me admit: it was far, FAR easier to go in and buy the pajamas myself, alone. If I'd taken Okaasan to the store and let her shop for them herself - although she would enjoy it....I know for sure I would hate it: the endless toing and froing, the decision making, the trying to buy other stuff, the wandering around looking at the same stuff repeatedly.
I couldn't do that. Just can't. Not patient enough.

So, I am a good daughter-in-law...up to a point.

Hope she is happy with the pajamas though.

Waiting to exhale................

And THAT my friends - THAT is Okaasan going to see an expert about her own body.

THAT is something worth taking a picture of! :-)

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....................let it all out. Exhale.

Such a normal thing, every day, in every place in the world: people have something wrong with their body, they go to someone who has training in body problems and they ask for help.

It's like child/school. Or food/kitchen. 

Just one of those normal equations of life.

But to get to this point has been so so long. Enormous struggle. You'd think Dear Son was taking Okaasan to open brain surgery,followed by leg amputation. Not a little bit of massage and muscle checking by a kind woman in a suburban chiropractic place.

Rewind to Friday: Okaasan decided to go for a walk late afternoon. Of course she doesn't know/remember that she hasn't been out alone for a walk for more than 2 weeks. So she gets to the Seicomart store, and has no energy to get back. Dear Son locates her with the GPS and as I am using the car for work he has to bring her back by taxi. (There's a whole mix-up about this between them, but I'll skip that in the interests of your sanity).

He gets her home and we all eat dinner sometime around 8.30 pm.

Saturday morning: I am hassling Dear Son from the moment we are awake to get ON with it. Find a chiro guy and GET Okaasan a booking and TAKE her there. He is getting testy with me, because I am on his case.

"This situation is not finished! Come ON! Stop watching TV and get on it! etc etc etc" I am nagging, he is snapping. We are so happy. Not. He does actually agree that this temporary improvement in Okaasan's condition shouldn't be the end of our efforts, because we've seen this before....he does accept that.

He gets on the computer and finds a local chiro. Makes a reservation for Sunday morning. I sigh with relief. He tells Okaasan that tomorrow she'll go and see someone who is just like the place she went to 20 years ago. She starts resisting, - not pain, not bad, I can heal myself etc etc etc etc etc etc..

THEN we have a cat crises to throw into the mix. Popo-chan has a cut above his eye, so we box him up and carry him yowling to the vets.

We get home, Okaasan is calling Dear Son stressily. She is up and walking round the kitchen: "Look! I can walk! I can walk well! I don't need help! etc etc etc etc"

Dear Son and Okaasan go for a walk to the local supermarket. She gets tired and leg pain, and he brings her home slowly.

We eat lunch.

Throw in another cat crises. The other cat has a similar injury to his eye! What on earth have they been doing? (Beating their heads against brick walls with frustration, like us?)

4 pm. Catch 2nd cat, box him up, transport him yowling to the vets.

Okaasan is sitting up in her room, putting on a jacket and looking like she might go out for another walk......

Saturday  evening. We actually have plans (cancelled before cos of Okaasan) - plans to go down to the city park and enjoy the German-theme beer festival. Drink away out stresses and remember that we are a couple who love eachother, and not just a nagger and nageee.

He preps a dinner for Okaasan. I hide her shoes from the entrance hall, so we hope she won't go out alone for a walk. And we escape.

Sunday morning. With hangovers. Dear Son goes in to tell Okaasan that they are going to the chiro soon. He has to go all thru the rigmarole again of why and why not, and why and so on. Absolutely exhausting.

Not sure if it is worse when she is actually in deep pain and reacts emotionally, or like now, when she has less pain and is reacting with all the reasons she can pluck out of her brain.

From her view: I feel fine. I can walk. I know how to care fotr my body because I studied the great Nishi-guru. WHY am I needing to go a doctor? Why?

From our view: 5 weeks of pain and reduced life, pain and drama. Despite temporary improvements in the condition, it ain't getting better.

I stay away from the discussion. It should be between son and mother. But it is tiring to listen to him trying. He is a master salesman. This is probably his hardest ever job.

And so. They have finally gone. Left the house. Gone to a chiro.

Let's see what happens next.

a) The chiro will say: "My GOD! No, this condition is way beyond what I can do, get theee to a hospital".

b) Okaasan will run away down the street and plead with passersby to adopt her?

c) We will bang our heads against more brick walls, box ourselves up and go yowling to the vets?

d) The chiro lady might...y'know...HELP ease the pain in Okaasan's legs.....

Oh. d). Let it be, pleeese let it be......

And then....?

After the joy.
Comes the worry.
WILL the doc see what we see? WILL she give Okaasan a low/high? enough score on the Hasegawa scale that the city office will approve day care.
Hell. WILL Okaasan go at all next Friday?
All of these questions go round and round my head.

I think on the last point it'll be ok. I think Dear Son will take my advice and tell Okaasan that "every 80 plus year-old in the city has to have a doc interview check", just to get her to go with him and walk into the clinic.
He is always overly honest. But he is also overly lazy and wants to take the easy way in life. Telling the little, white lie to get her to go is the easy way in this situation. I think he understands that. (I tell him enough...nagging power is in the DNA of every woman :-))

But the rest? I worry. Of course the doc is a professional and used to interviewing people who are good at consciously/subconsciously masking their selves. Okaasan can chat along politely with someone for a while...and then....and then....in an interview with questions about dates and times and Prime Minister names - I hope the truth will emerge.

Should I go too? Should I write the doc a note to explain Okaasan's home abilities? Will Dear Son tell it like it is? Will he be sitting in the same room WITH his mother, and thus sugar-coat it all a bit? Will she deny what he is saying and the whole interview get stressy?

You can see I've already played out the visit a million times in my mind.

I will be 400 meters away in my classroom actually working at that time. I don't think I should go with them - because I think Okaasan would feel embarrassed to have me there and it would just add to the stress.
But should I do a letter? I can write it and ask a student/friend to translate.
Outlining what Okaasan Can and Can't Do.

????

Don't know. Would the doc think it strange? Too much. Not trusting of her professional ability to suss out dementia level? I don't want to antogonise the woman.

This week I have this bloody Rotary club ladies' lunch speech to do - Thursday - so my time and stress is also focused on that. Doing a thing about Okaasan too...is that a good use of my time?

Agh.

Yesterday we went out for a nice relaxing trip to a local hot spring, nice family trip for the three of us. Just a short shuttle bus rode away from our local station. Actually, we went there last year too - just a few hours of hot water soaking and lunch.

Agh. Hard work. Hard. Hard. Hard.
For me.
While Dear Son was soaking away his worries in the men's baths, I was in the women's baths with Okaasan who was fiddling around with all the new things and decisions-to-be-made.
The locker keys; the towels; the toilets; the washing places and the water/shower functions; the body soap/shampoo choices; the baths; the steps; the locker rooms; the clothes; the hairdryers; the wet towels.....aghhhhhhhhh.
The worst point was when she came and got into a jacuzzi style bath place next to me. And then couldn't get out...

The bath had this kind of swimming pool ladder.

Okaasan was trying to out her first foot BETWEEN the ladder and the wall, over the top! I was trying to show her where to put her feet....but she was all confused about this new fangled thing.

Then, I got her sitting on the side of the bath and swinging her legs around so that she was sitting next to the ladder outside the water - and showing her how to pull herself up by the ladder rails. She couldn't. Recently no power in her legs...and she has got fatter.

She kept refusing help. I left her to it and went and sat in a nearby bath. Other women tried to help. She refused. Other women commiserated with me in big whispers...and after 5 mins. I went back to her and put my hands under her armpits and helped pull her upright....great for my gammy knee of course!

This physical situation isn't really connected to dementia, many elderly people have problems getting up from a low position - but it reminded me that Okaasan is needing help in life situations.

 

We finally got out of the bath and met Dear Son in the restaurant for lunch. Only 45 mins late. I was knackered. Don't think we'll be doing a family trip to a hot spring again, anytime too soon.

 

Last year we went to this place and Okaasan was much better at doing things herself. All the little decisions in a Japanese public bath. Small stuff like how to operate the hair dryers or push the shower button. Looking for information about where and what and how. This time she really needed guidance. It all took much longer.

 

Just another sign, that slowly but surely Okaasan's abilities are slipping.

 

Anyway. Sunday morning. Time to focus on my Rotary Club speech thingy. Bugger.

How NOT to sell the next Hula Class.

"Okaasan...there's a hula class at the community center near my classroom!"
"Really? How interesting!"
"Yes, one of my students told me about it...here is the leaflet. Look, on Wednesdays at 2 pm, I can take you there if you like this week."
"Where is this? What time? What is today? Where is this? Is this near here? Is this tomorrow? Where is this place.......... " (repeat x 10)
"You have the leaflet, so you can think about it. If you want to go I can take you there. I'll write it on the calender so we remember when..."




One hour later...


"Dear, kind, thoughtful Oyomesan...I've been looking at this community center leaflet...look! There are two other hula dance classes! The one you showed me is the Elderly Club, I know I am elderly, but I've been doing hula for many years, I am pretty good at it, I don't want to join a class full of old women, I want to go to one of these classes! Look!".


"FUCK" (said under breath).


"Um...don't you think the Elderly Club hula class might be more fun, more relaxing? You are 82 years old...and the other ladies will be similar to you in hula experience and energy...
Last year you were in a class with many younger members and all those performance days - it gave you a lot of stress, you couldn't learn the new dances, you sat here crying and refusing to go, it made you so unhappy....wouldn't an Elderly Club class be more relaxing?"


"I did? Me? But I can do hula, I don't want to be with old people doing it, I have been doing it for years, I can do the dances. I want to go to this class. It's better for me". (repeat till Oyomesan beats head on wall, thru to the neighboring house).


Yujiro: "Sigh. I told you so. You shouldn't have given her the leaflet with information about ALL the center classes. Now she will go to a high level, performing class and get stressed all over again".


Yes. Epic fail.


Bugger.


* and in case you are still thinking of nominating me for Oyomesan Sainthood. I should, in all honesty, admit to a nasty little meltdown and bad behaviour on Sunday night.


I cooked dinner, made Korean style pancakes and served it with rice, soup, veggies and pickles.
Then Yujiro helpfully reminded me: in Japan, we never eat wheat-based food like pancakes with rice.
So I got all stressy with Life in Japan with Japanese Cooking Rules. I snatched up the rice from Okaasan, poured cheese and basil salad dressing over it, ate it myself in furious, emotional silence and stormed out of the house.
Walked round the streets and came home 30 minutes later to calm down.
Sometimes living in Japan with a Japanese family just gets tooooooooooooo much. :-(

Excuse hunting........

Nope.
Didn't go!
Okaasan 1/The Rest of the Confusing World 0.


I came back with shopping early afternoon to find Okaasan reluctantly getting ready to go.
Yujiro had just called her to make sure she was coming to meet him.
I unpacked shopping in the kitchen and made supportive noises.
But she was pretty negative: I don't want to go, Yujiro says I should go, I don't like Folk dance, it's boring, I want to do a different class, why do you think I want to do this, I found another class I want to do, I don't like folk dance, Yujiro says I should go...on and on and on.
It was also starting to rain lightly, so I drove her to the subway station and cheerfully waved her off with her dancing shoes and a hula dance skirt in a bag.
I returned to work.


Came home at 4.30 pm to prep her dinner (we are going out tonight...couple date nite :-))
Okaasan came home at 5 pm.
The folk dance had been from 3.30 to 5.15 pm.
Obviously...something fishy.


She looked tired and old and confused. So different from the lady who came home from the hair salon on Tuesday with her nice new perm.
No, I didn't go. Downtown? Um...maybe, I went. Met Yujiro at the coffee shop? Um.....not sure. It was raining, nobody came. I didn't go to folk dance......um.................don't know...can't remember.....


She's flopped by the Tv now.
He says she came to meet him, obviously didn't want to go to the class. So he didn't force it. Instead he went back to work and  left her go off to a coffee shop for coffee and cake......but she didn't have enough money for the coffee shop...they called him...he went back and paid for her...and went back to work...and ...and...and...


Exhausting. All of it. We've all been thinking about this folk dance class all day...with various degrees of stress....


But no, she DIDN'T really want to go. And so, she didn't.
Guess we'll learn from that experience then. Not sure what yet. To let Dreaming Okaasans Dream On? Let her study leaflets about dance classes, but just let it stay at that stage and not set it up for her to go?
Probably.


I need a drink. 
Friday night. Loong week. Loong day.
I am heading out to meet my man and his Groupon vouchers.
I need alcohol.

Lilac ladies

Lilac time in Sapporo.
Spring is like this in Hokkaido - it all arrives at once, the skunk cabbages, the cherry, the plum, the forsythia, the daffs, the tulips...and now the lilac.


Odori Park in the center of the city has a Lilac Festival. Most years, the bushes don't flower in time for their own festival and I think city office staff are sent out with hairdryers, under cover of darkness, to fan the buds with hot air so at least one or two bushes near the festival site are in blossom.
But this year it's glorious. All lilac scent and blue sky, and the inevitable eating frenzy at the food stall areas which are a necessity at ANY Japanese festival.


So.
We took Okaasan yesterday. Pretty sure she doesn't take herself to walk in the park and look flowers. She walks round the underground shopping streets and department stores. So we took her down to the city center for lunch and a look in Odori Park.


I've said before: it's hard for Okaasan to choose things. Because she can't remember what she saw first. We walked and looked at the different stalls: kebab, paella, fried noodles, chicken, curry, barbecue lamb, oysters etc....and then finally we sort of suggested paella to Okaasan.
We sat her on a bench while we got the food, and then managed to snag a table so the three of us could finally sit and eat. Okaasan likes festivals and festival food - in her childhood this WAS the entertainment, way before TVs and computer games.
But it was cold - the brisk wind became a freezing gale. Finally we looked at some lilac flowers, used the toilets in a big hotel and took a taxi to a nearby subway station, and went home.


Okaasan had a good time though. Little family day out. Animated and chatty, she enjoys looking at flowers, kids, cute dogs etc. Out in the windy cold it was a bit tiring though.
I notice that when she gets tired, she says random, crazy stuff.


Yesterday, after lunch she pointed to the next block of the park (it's 1 km long and various roads cross the park in the city center) - anyway, she pointed to the next block and said: "is that Nakajima Park?"
That's a park in the south of the city, near where we lived when she first came to Sapporo....the whole Lilac Festival, lunch and day out was all in the city center park Odori. :-(


And then later in the taxi, I pointed out a city center flower bed with a lilac tree in it, and she said again: "that's Nakajima Park, isn't it" - which it patently wasn't. It was a 2 meter by 1 meter flower bed...


I think when Okaasan is tired she says these random things, which are vaguely connected to what's happening now - but really more a phrase or question that her brain is supplying for the moment.


* But in positive news: The other day Okaasan did good House Wifeing by doling out drinks to the painters at home. In fact she went out for a walk EARLY in the afternoon and came home before 3 pm, just so she could dole out the drinks. Amazing that. She usually sits vacant in front of the Tv and only stirs when we come home and the noise in the kitchen stirs her to go out.


The painters are almost done, and the final job will be cleaning out the house heating oil tank and pipes. A workman will have to come in and check the pipes in Okaasan's room and the bathroom. I hope I'm home when they come - I think Okaasan will go into a panic of room cleaning if a strange man is going to come into her room.

Shop 'til you droooooooooop.

Happy Mother's Day - in Japan.
We went.....SHOPPPPPING.


And how.
Shoes, a bag, trousers and yet another pink scarf.
And sushi dinner.


Quite a day out. Okaasan loved it. She adores department stores, she comes alive with all that musac, and displays and people and light.
Yujiro and I? Fishes out of water. Neither of us ever go near a department store.


We hit the store late afternoon to give Okaasan a Mother's Day outing.
Two hours of solid shopping, actually easier than we'd feared because she wanted new versions of what she already had: same black, laces shoes; same little, black nylon shoulder bag, same black trousers...and another pink scarf.
So, once we'd realized she wanted "the same" it made it (slightly) easier for us and the sales assistants to hunt it down and show Okaasan her options. She was actually pretty definite about what she wanted and liked.

My idea of hell: a department store packed with shoppers...

But.


We had to keep Okaasan on the right path: dementia in a shopping experience makes you do strange things, I bet many, many shoplifters are actually dementia sufferers.


She held onto something, or wore something and wander off and focused on something else...while sales assistants got stressy ;she picked up and looked at the same thing, with the same comments all over again; she forgot that the sales woman had gone off to get a different size/color and started to to choose other things or leave that section of the shop; and she didn't  know which displays we'd already looked at or not....


And of course: at 82 - shopping is exhausting. By the time we got to the black trousers and the changing room without a chair poor Okaasan was exhausted.
The final sales assistant and I actually put the trousers selection on AND off Okaasan slipping it under her skirt as she was standing out in the shop, because I don't think she could have managed alone in a changing room.


But she loved it all. That was the most important thing. She was mainly animated and laughing and happy.
And she got new clothes to replace the slightly tatty stuff she has, the shoes with holes in them, the scuffed old bag, the shiny nylon trousers.


I wonder if she will use the new things? Or keep them for "a special occasion"? I think the trousers are too tight in fact, because she is a bit fat now with all our cooking , her constant snacking and less exercise.,


We rounded it all off at a popular revolving sushi place in the station complex, where Okaasan sat next to Yujiro and did her usual complaining about "XXX hasn't come yet, has it?", minutes after eating XXXX. It's a giggle...she really doesn't remember that she just ate XXXX. Does it every time.


And we came home to collapse. 

All shopped out. One happy Okaasan. Yes, she IS in this picture!!!!

Prizes of aloe yogurts and Taiwan bananas to the first people to spot her.

My next duty: to get the Daimaru bags and boxes, and the old shoes/bag/pants OUT of there.

Somehow.

Let's NOT have a bath....

"Let's NOT have a bath!"


Which part of that didn't you understand?


You know that old joke?


Conversations with Okaasan run along these lines - she gets the topic, but not the detail.


After we stood in the kitchen talking about bath - should I have one, no I had one yesterday, so maybe I don't need one, should I have one before the hair salon?, maybe no, it would take too much time, no bath is ok - I came upstairs to switch off the computer and returned a minute later to the kitchen to start prepping lunch.


Okaasan was in her underwear in the kitchen, fussing around with a towel and running a bath for herself!


No point in stopping her once she'd started in on the activity, so off she went to have a bath and I moved the lunch plans back an hour.


Dementia really screws up the understanding of conversations: the topic stays in the memory, but the details of it fly away as soon as they are heard. A decision isn't a decision 1 minute later. A need or a like - it has gone, or changed.


So, bath, lunch, get dressed, get ready to go 30 minutes early - and off we went together across the snowy local roads to the subway. Ride the train companionably into town. Guide her to the hair salon.


Do I have my subway pass? I usually get on the train here, I use this exit usually, where are we going, have I been here before, why are we here, did I come here before?....all the usual worries, the checking questions, the anxietes.


Delivered her on time to the hair salon and came home to relax.
Yujiro picked her up in the car on his way home, well almost didn't because he hadn't read my mails to his cellphone after work, but by 7 pm Okaasan was back home ok with a stylish perm and looking tired but happy.
All ok for another month or two.

Walking. Carefully.

Little Family Outing yesterday.
Two days of snow and ice and Okaasan hadn't been out at all.
So yesterday we took advantage of sunshine and a slight thaw and walked with her to the next station down from us for lunch.
Okaasan NEVER goes here, so it was all new to her.


She is very dependent on Yujiro for help with walking on potentially icy places, holding into his hand and following his directions. Her walking is slower now, her balance not great - at one traffic signal crossing, Okaasan appeared to teeter on the slight slope to the curb...and as I rushed to hold her she grabbed the traffic signal to lean against it.


But all was well, she enjoyed the walk in the sunshine and looking at new things. It was a public holiday, so not many shops were open - but a good change from the living room and the TV.


She takes a long time to do things: folding up her shawl to drape it over the chair in the restaurant took several minutes, deciding HOW to put her handbag over her neck/shoulders...each decision seems to take more time.


At home we got done a whole lot of Prepping for Winter stuff, I even made a Xmas card list and thought about end of year things. It's a useful holiday.
I got my icky samples into the hospital the other day. Now I have to wait 2 weeks for the test results. If questionable, I  will need a camera stuffed up a place where NO camera should ever go. In Japan these kind of tests are very regular - I am getting a free one as a 50 year old.I think in the UK only people on big company private health insurance schemes get regular tests.


Slightly nervous about the results.
I've never had much to do with hospitals in my life - until last year of course, when what I thought might be a stomach worm-infestation caught from the cat toilet box...ended up being multiplying ovaries and an operation to whip 'em out. But thankfully, no cancer.
Health can change so suddenly. In 2 weeks time I could get a call back for a closer examination,  then suddenly Xmas and end-of-year could all be a hospital drama....


The other week I was just leaving a private student's home when she got the call from her sister to say that their mother has advanced lung cancer...the late-afternoon "feeling hot" and subsequent health checks had revealed a shaddow in the lungs etc etc. This family have just been celebrating the arrival of the first grandchild....so to have THIS news now is a shock.


So. Nervous. I am not ready for "Camera! Action!" in any part of my lower body....I am very grateful for all that KKR Hospital did fior me last year, but I don't want to spend Christmas there...

The autumn family day out.

Just realize we are doing this every year: taking Okaasan out to see the autumn colors.


So today the weather played nice and we got out for that annual happy-family-thing. Got Okaasan to have a bath first (she never has one on her own decision, we always suggest it), and then via a quick panic about where-are-my-nice-gloves-that-woman-on-the-train-stole-them.....to the front door...and OUT!


Took the subway to the campus of Hokkaido University, one of the big old universities of Japan, where the Ginko Tree avenue was glorious in yellow and everywhere else was pretty goregous too. 
We enjoyed it. Okaasan enjoyed it - all very nice.

Mum and Son.

Okaasan and Yujiro.

Oyomesan!

We walked a looong way. Okaasan is amazing with this: she can walk and walk. By the time we got back to Sapporo Station she was looking a bit starey eyed and tired - hardly surprising really as she hadn't eaten breakfast or anything.

In the station we found a real autumn treat: deep fried oysters. YUM. After talking about it etc it was great to actually find a restaurant serving it and stuff ourselves.

And then we went home. Mission Accomplished.

Meanwhile....

I asked Okaasan if she'd telephoned the hair salon with the telephone number etc I gave her last week....a look of blankness. Last week I'd actually given her a A4 size piece of paper with the name and number of the salon etc all highlighted with pens, and talked to her several times about wouldn't-it-be-nice-to-have-a-haircut-hint-hint....but she hadn't done anything. Somehow dementia seems to have the effect of robbing people of decision making and carrying out a plan - Okaasan sometimes decides to go to the drycleaners and manages to gather the clothes she wants cleaned and go to the shop (but of course forget to pick up until the shop telephone months later) - but that's about it.

So, acting on all the good mood after the autumn colors viewing trip I marched into her room with the salon number again, dialed it on Okaasan's phone and handed it to so that SHE could make the appointment herself.

"What am I calling about? Who is this?"...and then she managed it, I sat by the phone too so I could hear the conversation and write it all down on the calender...because Okaasan had forgotten the day and time within seconds of putting the phone down.

Tomorrow at 2 pm. I'll take her downtown to the hairsalon. A weekend of family duty.

It's ok, has to be done. Last week he and I were working in the evenings three times, so Okaasan got a lot of left food on the kitchen table dinners. This weekend is time to give her some human interaction. 

She was GREAT last night: I noticed immediately. She came back from her evening walk and stood in the kitchen chatting to me, almost...almost normally...bring and  engaged and eye contact and everything...just forgot once or twice who we were talking about...but a very normal conversation.

But that conversation stands out because usually, it's a few stock phrases and not much give and take or conversation.

But this year's autumn day out was a success. :-))

Message...half received.

Okaasan increasingly grabs at a word in a conversation..and comes out with a different understanding.

The other night Yujiro's idle dinner table chat about "talking of strange souvenirs" got the instant response from her of: "are you going on a trip? what are you going to buy?" which left us both mystified.

It's like us foreigners when our language skills are very ropey grabbing on the one word we DO understand in a flow of incomprehensible and trying to wrangle meaning from it.

Okaasan does quite a bit of wrangling.

Yesterday morning I set out her lunch in the kitchen and gave her some chat. Snow Festival etc etc. Yes, she thought about going today, such nice weather etc etc
Bingo! Realized that if I gave her enough money and set her in the right direction - she'd eat down in the park again at the food stalls and I wouldn't have to do dinner.
I had a Couch Surfing party and Snow Festival...Ice Festival...karaoke night-out ahead. So perfect.

Okaasan too thought it was a good idea: festival food again. I gave her Y2,000 and happily set off to work.

I got home at 5.15 pm - ready to feed cats and convince them I still cared, before a quick turn around and back downtown for a 6 pm meeting with Camille, my Couch Surfing guest this weekend.

Okaasan was still home. Sinking feeling in the entrance hall.
"Ahh! Amanda! I'm waiting for you! Shall we go soon?"
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
WTF?

She thought we were going TOGETHER! Was waiting for me to come home.
Somehow between this morning and this afternoon: the elements of Snow Festival/Go/Eat/Enjoy had got all jumbled up and come out as: My dear, caring Oyomesan will come home from work and take me down the festival again for dinner!

Not.

Then followed 10-15 minutes of sorting it out.
A)  Go out now in the dark and cold and eat in the festival?
B)  Stay home in the warm while Oyomesan whips up some leftovers?

I started doing B). Then Okaasan said she'd prefer to do A). Then she came out into the kitchen and noticed the preparations for B) and thought that looked good. And then A) again.


AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Useless big brother in Saitama is probably just settling down with his second cup of sake right about now and snoozing by the TV.

Finally A). Maybe.
Anyone else noticed that dementia seems to remove the Choosing Skill from the brain?
Two options for Okaasan is very hard work. Three options is even worse. A menu of 20 options is mind-blowing.

So. Maybe A).
I got the cats back inside from their ice-explorations. Put away most of the food preparations and fled. Left Okaasan still hunting round her room for socks that matched. Just fled.

GREAT evening out with Couch Surfers from all over the world in a cheapo restaurant overlooking the Susukino ice festival, a walk in Odori Park before the lights were switched off, hours of noisy karaoke, taxi back to the classroom with Camille...set her up ok there...and another taxi home.

Found the remains of the leftovers on the kitchen table and some dirty plates.
Was it B) afterall?
Who knows! Okaasan doesn't.
She's just happily told me that she had a good time in the Snow Festival last night...

Oh. And Yujiro's ski school or someone buggered up the schedule and he isn't back tonight...maybe Tuesday instead.

Think I need another classic movie.
Doctor Zchivago! Omar Sharif (who was born in Egypt) YES!